All columns are
written by Wil Forbis
- Stop
or I'll Shoot! (Heroin) 11/15/00
A humorous and comical
look at the drug war that has imprisoned hundreds of thousands of Americans
and punished our South American allies.
- Kill,
Kill, Rock and Roll
11/1/00
Rock and Roll has
been the defining music for the past three generations of Americans.
Is it finally time to call it a day?
- My
Scariest Dream
10/15/00
Just in time for
Halloween, my most hair raising visitation to dreamland is retold.
- it's
funny how... 9/30/00
The plight of the
North American tortured artist is examined.
- Undressed
for Success 9/18/00
Welcome to the
first ever Acid Logic theme issue, with the current topic being the
messy subject of lustful, carnal relations. MTV's Undressed, pornography
and sex education are all examined in this column, with the candor you've
come to expect from Acid Logic.
- Bar
Grudge Match
9/1/00
On the main drag
of Seattle's Capitol Hill, two bars eye each other suspiciously, fingers
itching for their six guns.
- How
Jerry Springer Reclaimed My Childhood 8/17/00
The Jerry Springer
Show shines
the light on American dementia, sexual perversity and midgets.
- Naptime
For Napster?
7/30/00
Is it finally curtains
for the file sharing software? An analysis of
the art of accruing free music without shoplifting.
- The
Devil and Davy Jones 7/13/00
Average looking guys
like myself are always taunted by good looking, charming pretty boys
who take our women, and worse, our beer. The epitome of such Romeos
is The Monkee's Davy Jones. Let's fix him, but good.
- Britney
Spears VS Eminem for the Title of "Ruler of the Universe"
6/28/00
Sometimes I see Britney
Spears as a pop music princess, sometimes I see her as a talentless
whore. And some days I see Eminem as the last great rapper, other days
he's a misogynistic asshole. Which is which...?
- Baseball
Caps and Padded Bras 6/15/00
While ruminating
upon several recent conversations, I'm reminded that the human race
is still vainly protective of its physical flaws.
Ahh... if only I could relate.
- Fear
Me for I Have the Power to Destroy You 5/25/00
With each
passing year I become more aware of the fact that every generation must
watch the fruits of its culture destroyed by its sucessors.
- Herbie,
the Love Virus 5/10/00
Was the Love
Virus simply
the obnoxious prank of drippy nosed hackers? Or was it sent from the
heavens to fulfill a deep, spiritual need?
- The Goth/Metal
Manifesto 4/30//00
For years hard rock and goth music have stood in opposite
corners, eyeing each other suspiciously. Can they be brought together
by a little thing called love...satan?
- Adolph
Hitler Was an Alien (or, The Case Against MP3s) 4/13//00
After reading this you may say, "This has nothing
to with Adolph Hitler or aliens, it's simply a long winded rant against
the MP3 music format!" But look deeper, my friend. The truth is
not always obvious.
- Death
To the Multi-Talented 3/30/00
Don't you just hate people
who can do things better than you? Or worse, who people aren't as good
as you, but get more attention. Let's hate them together.
- Yet
Another Acid Logic Column 3/9/00
It finally happened: I
ran out of things to say. So I thought I'd write about that.
- Notes From the Road
2/11/00
My recent train trip across the southwestern part of
the United States provided many musings. I'm collecting them here for
your enjoyment.
- Man
or Pokemon - After boarding the train in
Austin I was confronted by a Pokemon weilding youth. It led
me to many revelations about the state of toys in America.
- Making
Friends on the Train - The fun continued
as I conversed with a variety of individuals posing as sane.
- The
First Rant of the Millenium 1/11/00
Since it turns out the world didn't end I suppose I should
celebrate with some positive words. But then I wouldn't be me.
- The
Bigger the Better 11/27/99
Can you divide the love of large women along the racial
line? Or are we all being subjected to more brainwashing from Madison
Avenue.
- Let's
Hear it for Genetically Engineered Foods! 11/4/99
Continuing with my food theme, I address the weighty
matter of genetically altered fruits. (And I'm not talking about Michael
Jackson.)
- Mustard:
The Forgotten Condiment 10/18/99
Ahh, mustard... the sexiest of all sandwich dressings.
- The
Protocol of E-mail 10/7/99
Letter writing is alive and well on the Internet. And
that's both good and bad.
- Smile,
You’re on Voyeurcam.com! 9/2/99
There's a new kind of Candid Camera in town. And it involves
lots of sweaty, naked men.
- Star
Wars: The Phantom Menace - What Went Wrong? 8/14/99
We may never move forward as a society until this question
is answered. Fortunately, I have answered it. Feel free to begin worshipping
me.
- Other
People's Misery 8/2/99
A wise philosopher once said, "When the going gets tough,
the tough get going." The rest of us just snivel and moan.
- Evening
at Club Rock-Za 7/15/99
No matter where you go in the world, strip clubs are
all the same.
- The
Hidden World of Airports 7/4/99
It's only after years of airline travel I've come to
see airports for what they really are: a paranoid, violent, sexual shagfest.
- Girls
Against Boys 6/13/99
The battle of the sexes starts out on the playground
and continues up to the nursing home. Can't we all just get along?
- All
the President's Women 6/2//99
I feel totally lame having to do this but I simply ran
out of time trying to come up with a column for this issue. Thusly I'm
presenting a "classic" Acid Logic from the early days of the Clinton
scandal. However, trust me, this one's pretty funny, I just read it.
So sit back and return yourself to a time when you actually had friends
saying "I really don't think he had sex with that women, Monica Lewinsky."
- Potential
Star Wars Disappointments 5/15/99
It could be the greatest film ever. But what if...
- Acknowledging
Some of the Lesser Known Y2K Issues 5/3/99
What is needed in the current Y2k debate is a sound and
learned voice. Once again you're stuck with me.
- Spider-Man,
We Hardly Knew Ye 4/11/99
Comic Book characters have always had a rough translation
to film. This article analyzes the causes of this national embarrassment.
- Anyone
For Flaming Teletubbie? 3/20/99
They're happy, they're friendly, they're loved by children
worldwide... therefore they're perfect targets.
- Make
Love To Your Television
The only bumpersticker more annoying than "Perot '92"
are those "Kill Your Television" ones. This article denigrates this
new form of political activism.
- Examining
Alternate Forms of Punishment for Clinton 1/15/99
Another Clinton article. Probably outdated by the time
you read this but worthwhile nonetheless.
- The
Effects of Clinton-Vision 2/7/99
One of many articles taking the serious subject of impeachment
and reducing it to comedy-fodder.
- Keeping
Up With The Jonesboros
An amazingly cold-blooded (I was quite proud of myself)
and humorous article about the Joneboro massacre and the roles we expect
of children.
- My
G-G-Generation
Being that the "Generation X" label will haunt me for
the rest of my life, I thought I'd put this down.
- Please
Let Me Kill You Pt. 2
A sequel to an article I did years ago, this one focuses
various scum who preach "Revolution" while driving to work in a BMW.
- I
Love Barney
No tricks or hidden messages. This really is about my
love affair with the Purple one.
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- Cheny
of Fools/Blacklisting Richard Lewis
8/17/00
By John Saleeby
Get set for a double shot of Saleeby as he points the pen at Mary
Cheny and Richard Lewis.
- Fashion
Tips for Mutant Superheros
8/17/00
By Spar Sperling
As the siege of X-Men mania descends upon us, peruse this synopsis
of superhero style.
- Art
Talk With The Ramones
7/30/00
By John Saleeby
Saleeby delivers
another comedic double whammy while discussing the art world and post
punk careers of the Ramones.
- Death
To All Taggers
7/30/00
By Anthony Passonno
"...a
modern day, hipster Zarathustra, waiting and watching, then crossing
the abyss in a frenzied state of berserker rage and Wagnerian bravado,
until I see IT!!! SOMEONE
TAGGED MY FUCKING BUILDING!!!"
- Chicken
Soup For The Serial Killer's Soul
7/13/00
By Patrick Raftery
We could all stand
to learn something from the soul enriching experience of a serial killer.
- Learning
From Your Shame
6/28/00
By Rev John D. Finkletter
One of the best ways
to grow as a person is to learn from the sordid moments in your past.
And the Rev's got plenty of them.
- Great
Forgotten Moments of the 1970's
6/15/00
By John Saleeby
Hold onto your pants
for two articles in one, as Saleeby gives the straight dope on the decade
of sin and the disdain of Kathy Lee Gifford.
- Are
You a Scumbag? 5/25/00
By
John Saleeby
Take the
quiz to find out if you're either an average guy, a serial killer, or
a bitter stand up comedian. (Which of the three options is not a scumbag
is left to the reader's discretion.)
- My
Prison Diaries 5/10/00
By John Saleeby
Ex-stand up comedian,
Saleeby, summarizes his years in the big house... a place where defending
the good name of Charlie Chaplin becomes a point of honor.
- Things That Annoy Me
4/30/00
By
Seana Sperling
- #2
The Noise Patrol: Seana continues venting,
aiming her rage at car alarms, construction workers and other ill
gotten noisemakers.
- #1
Hair = I.Q.: Seana
Sperling starts off her long awaited "Things That Annoy Me"
series by taking a jab at the lowest order of witticism: The Blonde
Joke.
- Kurt
Cobain 4/13/00
By Devora
Devora lays down the final word on the Gen X icon.
- Let's
Hear it For Anti-Depressants! 4/13/00
By Mad
Brunette
Goddamit, drugs aren't problem... They're the solution!
- Cubical
Spawn 3/30/00
By Tom
Skuja
The truth is, you can never say enough about how unattractive
babies are.
- The
Columbine Massacre For Total Idiots 2/11/00
By
Devora
Amidst the hype of all these school shootings it may
be hard to find the truth. Devora lays it out for the cerebrally impaired.
- James
Brolin Gets A Role 2/11/00
By Ian Wolfe
After years of struggle James Brolin has been offered
the role of a lifetime... and Ms. Streisand won't take "no"
for an answer.
- Assisting
the Disabled 1/20/00
By Seana Sperling
In true Acid
Logic fashion, Seana Sperling details the many ways we can help the
disabled in our society. And how many people already are!
- BucketHead...
Groove On 12/9/99
By Spoiks
BucketHead,
a masked, chicken lovin' demon has been mixing guitar solos and Giant
Lizards for years now. Isn't it time he got his due?
- Michael
Schenker is God 10/11/99
By Spoiks
In America,
circa 1987, metal ruled the land (to paraphrase Judas Priest.) And perhaps
its most fiercesome practitioner was Michael Schenker, a long-maned,
rail thin agent of darkness.
- Billy
Preston is the Funkiest, Grooviest, Motherfucker on the Planet
10/2/99
By Spoiks
"Outta-space," one of the funkiest songs of all
time, has fallen between the cracks of American music. Yet Billy Preston
has more groove in his little finger than the Chili Peppers and their
concubines combined.
- Conrad's
Night in the Big House
By Conrad Keely
Conrad Keely
sent me this article about his first night in jail. Is it a desperate
cry for help... or something much, much more?
- A
Dignified Analysis of Devo's Freedom of Choice
By Wil Forbis
An insightful and intriguing
look at this underated band. You will find your life changed or your
money back.
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