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Anyone For Flaming Teletubbie?

By Wil Forbis
I was understandably disturbed when I came across Jerry Falwellís recent announcement that televisionís Teletubbies had a homosexual Judas in their midst, in the form of the giant purple Teletubbie, Tinky Winky. I was shocked at Falwellís accusation, and more than a little let down. How could Falwell, say something so stupid, I bemused. By mouthing out such malicious nonsense, heís only making himself look bad, and moreso, clueless to the rhythms of modern culture. To implicate poor Tinky as the gay member of a show aimed at 4 years old was simply ridiculous.

I mean, letís be honest, itís pretty clear theyíre all a bunch of queers.

For that matter I think itís safe to say pretty much everyone on PBS is gay, from Barny to Elmo, from Mr. Rogers to the entire cast of This Old House. And doesnít Bill Buckley from Firing Line just seem a little too into classical music?

However, I really have no problem entrusting the well being and nourishment of generation after generation of American toddlers to a group of homosexual muppets. Letís face it, theyíre great at that sort of thing. Who would you really rather have raising young Jimmy, a slightly fem, blobby purple creature who has a genuine concern and respect for the well being of children or the army commandos and vice cops over at "The Big Three" whom have shilled out Saturday morning to toy companies and "edutainment?"

I really think the whole liberal media crowd is taking the wrong track here by saying Tinky Winky isnít a bit swishy. Instead of denouncing Falwellís homophobic blather as false they should stand up and say "Damn Right, heís gay and proud of it. He is purple because thatís the gay pride color (though I always considered it more of a mauve) and he does have a triangle on his head because thatís the gay pride shape (though I always thought it was an upside-down coat hanger. Perhaps heís a gay abortion doctor. Thatíll really get olí Jerry riled!)"

And canít we just "come out" and fess up that the rest of the Tubbies are "that way?" One of themís named "La-La" forchristsakes! There are certain rules in the universe and one of them is that you canít be male and be named "La-la" and not be a homosexual. Thatís right up there with "The earth is round" or "Beer is good!" Donít fight it, people!

It really does show how far weíve come from Ellen Degeneres coming out. That whole travesty was a painful series of Mid-western television cancellations and Ann Heche tantrums ("Donít say that about my wife!"), but the Teletubbies outing has been much more sedate. At best, Falwell is simply lampooning himself as the country looks on with amusement (something heís developed a knack for.) Besides, I hardly think someone who lost his virginity to his mother should really be lecturing us about sexual morality.

Anyway, I have to go get ready for my date with Big Bird.


Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - acidlogic@hotmail.com

Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.

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