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Herbie, the Love Virus

By Wil Forbis

"Hey Wil," Igor, one of my co-workers, blurted at me this past Wednesday. "Have you heard about this "I LOVE YOU" virus going around?" Yeesh, I thought to myself, assuming his warning to be the foretelling of some flu-like epidemic that would cause my co-workers to roam the halls as if they were dosed up on ecstasy, freely copulating and telling everyone around them "I Love You" in gruelingly amorous tones. It would be last year's New Year’s eve party all over again.

Fortunately, this turned out to not be the case as my co-worker explained, "It’s a computer virus being delivered through e-mail. It has the subject line "I LOVE YOU" and when you open it clones itself and wipes out your hard drive."

Whew, I thought, swapping my brow and peering up at Igor. "So this means I don’t have to worry about you chasing me around the office in an attempt to snare me in your passionate embrace?" I queried.

"It means nothing of the sort," Igor stated, dropping his pants and assuming a Flo-Jo stance. "Here I come, my pretty!"

Hours later, when I’d finally managed to trap Igor in an empty elevator shaft, I was able to return to my desk and go about the day’s tasks. Of course, priority number one was to start up my email and continue my ongoing discussion with an Acid Logic reader on the feminist subtexts of 1980’s horror films. However, as Outlook sprang to life I could not help notice the first message awaiting me in my inbox. The sender was unknown, but its subject header spoke loud and clear: I LOVE YOU.

Yikes, I thought. The nefarious " love" virus actually made its way to the mail box of little old me. Kind of interesting really… gives a fellah a chance to feel as though he’s a part of current events. Nonetheless, I wasn’t going to give the bugger a chance to reproduce. I readied my finger above the delete button, poised to strike.

But then I hesitated. What if… my mind raced.. what if this isn’t the much touted ‘I LOVE YOU’ virus, but someone who actually wanted to say ‘I Love You’? Sure the odds were very slim... someone falling in love with me… astronomical really… but shouldn’t I… just shouldn’t I… take a chance on love?

Who could it be, I pondered. Could it be the barista girl from the nearby coffeehouse, who always smiles so sweetly when she gives me my change? Or the waitress from the corner bar who so kindly listens to my woes? (Most of my interactions with females occur through buying caffeine or alcohol from them.) Perhaps one of the many women who had rejected me had finally realized the error of their ways. Yes, all sanity would scream that it was none of them, that this was simply some pubescent hacker’s idea of a joke, but I still had that nagging doubt. That doubt whispering that I could be throwing away my one chance at happiness, my one chance at love. Finally, someone to ease the lonely nights, to give my life meaning. What was I to do?

Well now it’s Friday, and I’m writing this on a laptop computer I borrowed from our accessories division. Our network technician says he thinks he’s managed to restore my machine, but the Intranet was pretty much destroyed when the love virus started reproducing itself. They’re still estimated the actual dollar loss to the company from being offline for two days, but the numbers are, well, big.

However, I’m not ashamed of my actions. Sure, under conventional wisdom what I did was a little naïve… perhaps even totally stupid, but wisdom was not my master that day. My master was love, the deity that raises us up above the common animal and offers us hope for a better future. Though the odds were against me, I was willing to brave catastrophe (and the complete disgust of my co-workers… no, wait, I earned that years ago), and take a chance that the email I received was a fellow human, lost in the cyber wilderness, seeking the gentle gift of human companionship. And you would do well to remember that, my friends. Always take a chance on love.


Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email -

Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.