If I was to say whom my least favorite Monkee was, I'd have to say that is was Davy Jones. I mean, frankly, I detest all the Monkees, I think Danny Partridge could kick all their asses with one hand handcuffed to a transexual prostitute, but Davy was the lamest of the lame. That annoying optimistic grin, that nasaly limey accent, and that stupid, stupid fucking dance... like Axl Rose on valium or whatever medication they give Tourettes patients. Plus, Davy was the most worthless of the Monkees... he couldn't even play an instrument, he just lip synched (badly) over that arhythmic tambourine beating.

It's funny, 'cuz I was talking to my old girlfriend about this recently and she was saying that when she was a kid, Davy was her favorite (which had a lot to do with why we broke up.) She says that she related to him because Davy was the kid of the group. However, I know the real reason: The Davemeister was a good looking, buff motherfucker. Ever seen the first Monkee's episode? It involves a lot of Davy running around without his shirt on and I've got to say, he was a surprisingly toned individual. Not bulky buff, but definitely someone who used a Norditrac or whatever they used in the 60's. He didn't want to get too in shape though, or else they said him off to Viet Nam where he could sing "Last Train To Clarkesville" to Charlie at 12:00.

I guess that's why I've never liked Davy; his attractiveness. The other Monkees, they had to work to get where they were, they actually played instruments, they had to rely on their vast wealth and celebrity status to get women, not simply good looks and charm. I could relate to them. Like Peter, I've always been something of an underdeveloped ectomorph. Like Mickey, I've always had an underappreciated knack for physical comedy. And like Mike, I've always had a seething wit and fondness for young Tahitian boys.

It's well known that the Monkee's show was based on Beatles cinema, such as "A Hard Day's Night." But as the years pass it becomes how clear what a watered down version of the Fab Four the Monkee's really were. No one shot Davy Jones in the chest as a way of proving their love for Jodie Foster. None of the Monkee's had sucessful careers after their first band, the way Paul McCartney did with Wings. The Beatles may have had tons of money, but they had angst, man! They had soul! The Monkees wouldn't have any soul if they underwent gene splicing therapy with Marvin Gay. Yeah, the Monkees sucked.

 

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Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - acidlogic@hotmail.com

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