All The President's Women

Well. it's finally happened. After months of trying to avoid the subject, to just hope it would go away, I'm finally forced to break down and make some sort of official comment on it. I am, in actuality, not talking about Puff Daddy's Grammy nominations, but rather the recurring and ever growing sexual allegations against dear President Bill Clinton.

At first I avoided the topic out of apathy. I had no desire to fuel a fire that I felt was burning in disproportional relevance to the world of "real" politics. There were simply too many people commenting on the subject and far too many of them making terribly bad puns about the matter (usually my main literary device), I simply could not see what the value of me sticking my two cents could be. Would it really be possible to make the shots any cheaper or take the depths any lower than had already been done by the mainstream media? As usual, I surprised myself. I finally realized that this was simply too good an opportunity to not only embarrass myself, but the entire country as well.

With this debate over the sex allegations, it's the newly inserted Katherine Willey element that most interests me. Whereas Paula Jones was all trash and Monica Lewinsky all fluff, Willey seems precisely the worst missile that could possible be fired off at the President. (Not that the President seems to have any difficulty firing off his... well, anyway) She's a Democrat, she's middle class, (which seems to be the only group political feminists will take seriously) and she seems genuinely shy of the spotlight, thereby giving herself a validity that has been lacking in earlier Clinton accusers. Granted there are points against her, conflicting versions of events being contributed by voices such as the infamous Linda Tripp and others, as well as the gushing letters Willey apparently wrote to the President after his alleged fondling. But there are undeniably disturbing accusations being made in Willey's basic narrative - that the President made sexual advances to her (perhaps, on her, might be better terminology) while cooing one liners such as "I've wanted to do this ever since I've laid eyes on you" and other lyrical tritisms that really only work in 1970's John Travolta films. To these advances, Willey says she felt "overpowered." Well yes, overpowered by the all out banality of his amorous clichés. I don't know if we should be more disappointed in the President for being a libidinous lout or his lack of modern seductive material. Why, I've never had the "... ever since I laid eyes on you" line work, and there's nothing the President’s got that I don't.

Now perhaps we are ignoring the obvious here. It is possible, as Bill Clinton has said, that he was simply trying to comfort her in her time of need. Why, it's quite often that while I'm consoling a female friend who is undergoing a difficult situation, like losing a loved one or gaining weight, I reach over and fondle her breasts or put her hand on my genitalia. I believe it helps them get their mind of their dilemma by allowing them to instead focus on attacking me with mace or threatening me with a sexual abuse lawsuit. Granted, I have taken my blows for this sort of generosity, but by nature, I'm a very giving person. Perhaps too giving, some would say.

There is one way the President could gain my respect back, and that is by having a sense of humor about the whole thing. Any president who doesn't see the brilliant gag-making opportunity that comes out of a national scandal, simply is not worth his weight in salt (though I suspect, Clinton, with his predilection Big Macs, is quite close to his weight in salt.) I more than forgave Bush for the wanton slaughter of 50,000 Arabs (was it 500,000? Whatever.) after he did his hilarious appearance on Saturday Night Live. Reagan's stream of giddy one-liners after his eight year term made it clear that selling weapons to sworn enemies could be a forgivable sin. Clinton, who may actually be grilled by Perry Mason style accusers in court, should start saving up a healthy truckload of zingers right now. For instance, if they happen to push a query like "Mr. President, did you or did you not on the date of February 23 1994, fondle Ms. Lewinsky in the Lincoln bedroom?" he could reply, "How could I, I was busy killing Vince Foster at the time." or "Of course not silly, I spent the whole day shredding Whitewater documents."

We live in a funny age where this sort of thing can even go on. We've learned to expect zany sexual antics from our actors, our rock stars, our television evangelists, but when even the President can't get felated in secrecy, what is truly happening to this country? (At least the original "Deep Throat" kept their identity secret.) And though we laugh now, it'll come around that we'll all suffer when our beleaguered President has to compose some type of tough foreign policy. How can you drive a hard bargain with Middle Eastern fanatics like Saddam Hussein when they're throwing panties at you and making cooing sounds?

However, this is exactly sort of thing that makes Al Gore look all the more promising. As someone who was neutered long before Buddy, the White House dog, and whose wife finds the lyrics of Journey offensive, I think the chance of getting some kind of sex scandal out of this guy is nil. (The most surprising thing would be if it turned out that he actually had sex.) I suspect catching Gore with his pants down would reveal the same sort of anatomy one finds on a Ken doll. And with any potential sexual imbroglio out of the way, Gore could be the type of man who could return the office of the President to its proper vocation: you know, policymaking, increasing taxes, starting wars. Of course the question then will be: Do any of us care anymore?

Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - acidlogic@hotmail.com

Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.