Columbine Massacre for Total Idiots
time someone slammed them against a locker or threw a bottle at
them, they would go back to Eric and Dylan's house and plan a little
since the tragedy at Columbine, I have been reading everything I
could get my hands on about it. In a saturated media market, that
means I have read a HELL of a lot of newspaper and magazine articles,
and watched countless dozen hours of televised crocodile tears and
agonized hand wringing on the part of hired ninnies.
have heard every stupid-ass explanation you can think of, and quite
a few you would never imagine. All the usual suspects were trotted
out, horsewhipped, and put back in their stables for the next tragedy.
perpetual favorite target was Marilyn Manson. Granted, when you
wear fake plastic breasts and work as hard as he has to be scandalous,
you cannot claim complete innocence when scandal follows you. It
takes work to be as outrageous as he is. I hate to break it to the
(obviously extremely naïve) members of the press, but Marilyn
Manson is a joke. Let me let you in on the big secret.(stage whisper)
HE'S F**KING WITH YOUR HEAD.
Manson is your baby, boys. You created him. Correction- he created
himself intentionally to fit into your niche of "Parent's Worst
Nightmare." Hey, we haven't had a good scandalous satanic shock-rocker
for a while (Ozzy Osborne?) We had to settle for Judas Priest being
dragged into court and accused of inciting teen suicide, and as
much as I like their music, they just ain't scary. Gangsta Rap was
terrifying, but not in the same way. Gangsta Rap was scaring parents
into locking their doors when they drove through bad neighborhoods,
but for the most part, their children were not morphing into inner-city,
drug-selling African American teenagers. They just dress like them.
was different. MM was created for the sole purpose of bugging your
parents. The band is a [expletive deleted] Chinese menu of offensive
and disturbing images (Take Satanism from column A, Cross-dressing
from column B, and naming yourself after a serial killer from column
C.) Voila - Lunch. Or, in this case, rock-n-roll. In a way, I feel
sorry for Marilyn Manson. Forty years ago, all you had to do to
be shocking to middle-class America was gyrate your hips on national
television. Now you have to have ribs removed so you can fellate
yourself on stage. From pelvic wiggle to pelvic surgery - this is
what's wrong with the America of today!
the media never got the joke. Then again, the columbine incident
(remember that? The subject of this page?) points out the alarming
fact that members of the media apparently believe everything that
certain people tell them. (Certain People = Anyone they happen to
be talking to at the time.) I wish I had known about this salient
fact earlier in my life. It would have opened up vast new vistas
of employment opportunities. I could have been a talking head! I
can sound like I know what I am talking about with the best of them,
and I can expound extemporaneously on any topic for hours at a time.
What else do I need to have my own news discussion show on cable?
favorite suspect in this latest atrocity was the Internet. Over
and over again I heard that one of the boys had a web site (the
sure sign of a deranged mind). This web site supposedly had a drawing
of a devil like figure and a man shooting an Uzi at a crowd of people.
This web site was thoroughly dissected by child psychologists hired
by the networks - another possible career path overlooked in my
naïve youth. ("Tonight on the 6 P.M. News - Dr. Joe Headshrink
will talk about the 5 warning signs every parent should watch for
to predict if Johnny or Janie will walk into the scout meeting and
mow down the whole troop with a tek-9."
Internet is even being directly linked to the choice of weapons
used by the protagonists in this fairy tale. Next thing you know,
the WWW will be indited as an accessory before the fact. According
to some completely unverified accounts, Dylan and Eric used the
Internet to get information on how to build the bombs. Some people
have even speculated that they accessed that den of pure evil, the
Anarchist Cookbook. EEEEEEE. Wrong answer. Thanks for playing.
The only thing that they, or anyone else, could have gotten out
of recipes from that infamous culinary lexicon is flash burns and
serious structural damage to their house. I have it on good authority
from chemist friends of mine that none of the recipes for explosives
will produce a usable product. The best possible result is a big
smelly mess that you have to explain to Mom and Dad. The worst possible
result is a compound so unstable that a slight change in temperature
will cause it to explode, blowing up not only your arm, but the
basement as well. Just imagine how many years you would be grounded
for THAT. What no one has been mentioning is that the killers also
used low-tech weapons such as cooking fuel and nails. But there
is no national outcry for parents to carefully monitor their children's
exposure to hardware stores.
then there is the old favorite, taken out of its cage, given a bath,
paraded around, and then dropped back in the mud. I am talking about
the perennial crowd pleaser, "The moral decay of America."
[Insert religious rant here]. Honestly, I have trouble giving precise
details about the rant, because I subconsciously tune them out as
soon as they start. It's a Zen thing.
must be incredibly stupid (my 150+ I.Q. apparently doesn't mean
much). I can't figure out how posting a piece of paper with the
10 Commandments on it next to the Principal's Office would have
prevented this tragedy (unless, of course, the piece of paper was
bulletproof). I don't see how prayers at the football games would
have stopped Dylan and Eric from going on a shooting spree. They
didn't seem to be the type who went to school-sponsored extracurricular
events, anyway. Though if others in their school had read and taken
to heart Jesus' instructions to let he who is without sin cast the
first stone, perhaps Dylan and Eric would not have been harassed
and persecuted to the breaking point. But somehow I don't think
that is what the religious nuts that talk about the Moral Decay
had in mind. And I am obviously a tool of the Devil.
these are the most rational of the reasons people have floated as
motivating factors of our two young natural born killers. There
were other reasons cited that were just plain goofy. The absolutely
ludicrous thing is that someone believed that these factors actually
played a role. They ran these stupid things up a flagpole like a
pair of boxer shorts, and someone actually saluted!
reason #1 - The Goths (a nationwide cult) recruited these
boys through the Internet into the Trenchcoat Mafia (recruited them
into a clique IN THEIR OWN SCHOOL) and brainwashed them into doing
the dastardly deed.
unto me an f**king break, already. Goths and Marilyn Manson wannabe's
may be guilty of some serious fashion crimes (I can see CourtTV
gearing up for that trial - Marilyn Manson Vs. The State. Prosecuting
Attorney - Isaac Mizrahi) they are about as dangerous as.as..as
any other teenager. I was laughing my ass off though as I watched
and listened to "Serious Journalists" (said so tongue
in cheek I nearly bit my tongue in half) reading the lyrics to Marilyn
Manson songs and trying to have a serious discussion about them.
Their attempt to stay objective was waging trench warfare against
their inclination to recoil in horror at the sight of Marilyn Manson
in a garter belt. The last time these men were up on modern rock
culture was in the Pleistocene era, when rock was rock, and rolling
stone wasn't a magazine, it was an avalanche.
is a subculture that likes to be misunderstood, so it is no surprise
that many people on the outside do exactly that. (Funny how people
tend to do what you set them up to do.) Goths, for the uninitiated,
are a group of people from 14 to 40+ who listen to depressing music,
wear black, and have elevated angst to a religion. These kids don't
buy the party line that these are the best years of their lives.
Sorry, grownups. These people are also some of the most articulate
and intelligent of their generation. Most Goths get into the culture
because they feel like outsiders in their schools, their homes,
and their lives. They think too much, they feel too much, and they
don't fit in well in their high school where thinking will get you
expelled and alcoholism and date rape are varsity sports.
- the war in Kosovo. Yes, some notable individuals actually said
that the bombing of Kosovo was the cause of these two students bringing
automatic weapons and pipe bombs to school in Colorado. This particularly
daffy leap of logic (it sounds more like logic was thrown off the
building on this one) came from Gerry Spence, famous criminal defense
attorney. Gerry Spence is also the man whose daily uniform includes
a fringed tan suede jacket. Gerry - a word of fashion advice - if
you don't hunt buffalo and live in a teepee, STOP WEARING THAT [expletive
deleted] JACKET!! Mr. Spence's reasoning behind this claim? On Larry
King live, he claimed, "Violence is the way we solve problems
in this country." Can anyone in the studio audience please
explain to me how that makes the carpet-bombing of a small European
country the cause of a massacre in a Colorado high school? (Looks
around assembled crowd, sees lots of blank stares.) It's nice to
know I'm not the only one who is confused. Let's just move on to
the next one, shall we?
- It was the 110th birthday of Adolf Hitler. Some reporter
had to dig deep into the encyclopedia for that one. Is there any
evidence to support it? No. Is there any evidence that the two protagonists
of this tale knew that it was his birthday? No. Then again, who
needs proof? In a world with no real explanations, the loopiest
explanation is king.
are real explanations why Dylan and Eric did this. They said it
themselves in the letters they left behind. Let's be really honest
with ourselves for a moment. Let's stop feeding ourselves lies for
a little while and look at the truth. We, the American public,
do not want to know the real reasons why. We want to assign
blame to our favorite whipping boy, and move on. To actually pursue
finding out why this tragedy happened would involve looking at things
we don't want to look at, and learning things we want to ignore.
Finding out the truth also involves a commitment to make the changes
necessary to prevent this from happening again. That involves hard
work. We, the American people, don't like hard work. We would rather
find a convenient patsy, hold them accountable, pat ourselves on
the back, and move on.
is the deep, dark truth. Here is the reason why fifteen people,
fourteen of them teenagers, are dead.
MADE IT HAPPEN.
and Eric were not born that way.
were made. By us.
formed them in our schools, in our communities.
put the guns in their hands.
wound them up and pointed them.
then we had the nerve, the sheer gall, to act surprised when they
are responsible for this tragedy.
the American people, knew that our schools were a breeding ground
of hatred, harassment and violence.
made excuses for it.
did nothing to stop it.
then we act surprised when a student finally can't take any more
have no one to blame for this mass murder but ourselves.
will be responsible for the next massacre too.
there will be another one.
lives in the midwest. Overeducated and unemployed, she now works
as a glorified secretary at the state Deaf School while she decides
which career path to send her life careening down next.