Top 5 Star Wars Disappointments.
By Wil Forbis
Remember Oliver Stone’s controversial JFK film? Remember how it made a myriad of allegations about who killed Kennedy, allegations that on their own might have had merit but collectively would have been impossible? (i.e. Kennedy couldn’t have been killed by the Mob AND the CIA AND the FBI AND the Cubans AND the hawks AND the National Organization of Apricot Farmers etc.) This essay is a lot like that film. It proposes several potential flaws in the upcoming Star Wars film that may turn off fans. On their own, each may come true, but it will be impossible for them all to occur. Read on and you’ll see why.
Disappointment 5: The Sock-Puppet Swindle
Yes, Lucas did create an array of digital characters such as the already exposed droopy-eared Jar-Jar, but what if it turns out he did that only for the trailers? It may well surface, that the rest of the film has the production values of an old Roger Corman B flick. Droids are badly painted cardboard boxes who’s arm movements are dictated by hanging fishline. Strange alien races are created from leftover sock puppets. Samuel Jackson is forced to duck low hanging boom mikes that appear at the top section of the screen. In general, enough shoddy filmwork to make Chewbacca choke on a Ewok salad.
Disappointment 4: "Hey, Down in front!"
Imagine this. The film is spectacular. The effects are mind-blowing. The plot development and characterization is compelling and earnest. The only problem is that the lower portion of the screen is taking up by those Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys, offering their glib and sardonic wisecracks and generally ruining any possible enjoyment one could derive from the film.
Disappointment 3: "Are you sure you’re the child of Frank Zappa?"
Take the above scenario and make it even worse. Once again the film is great, with wonderful effects blah, blah. Unfortunately, every 15 minutes the film goes to a break with Dweezil and Ahmet Zappa, who are hosting the new USA Network Saturday night show, Happy Hour, a limp attempt at swinging Austin Powers campiness featuring bad alterno-bands, dancing girls and a schlocky film classic from the past rudely interrupted by the Zappa boys. Dweezil, if Frank didn’t disown you for playing on Don Johnson’s Heartbeat video, he’s doing so now.
Disappointment 2: 90% of the film is images of members of Yoda’s race having sex.
Need I say more?
Disappointment 1: "Is that a light saber in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
Midway through the film, Camille Paglia strolls on screen and begins dissecting the psycho-sexual meaning of various bits of Star Wars iconography. Light sabers are revealed to be phallic symbols (which they probably are). Wookies are exposed as walking vaginas. Luke’s desperate attempt to shoot a missile into a small three foot porthole on the Death Star is a metaphor for the human male’s search for sexual gratification. Fortunately Camille is eaten by a stray Dewback and the film goes on.
Bonus Disappointment: Will you take two dimes and a tic-tac?
I thought of this one after posting this article so I thought
I'd add it as a "bonus." You go into the theatre, sit through 15 minutes
of trailers and the film begins. The opening is stirring and soon you
find yourself cast back into the Star Wars universe of your youth. The
plot developes and fifteen minutes into the film you're seriously enjoying
yourself. Suddenly the screen goes blank and a sign comes up that says
"To Continue Watching This Film, Please Deposit 25 cents Into The Coin
Receiver At The Front Of The Theatre." Of course you just spent your
last three bucks on that Yoda costume you're wearing and leave in disgust.
Wil Forbis is a
well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending
chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the
world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy,
he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.
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