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You rolled snake eyes, baby. Still more of two Saleeby articles in one!!!

By John Saleeby
By John Saleeby

While everybody else was watching the Republican convention to listen to George W Bush and Dick Cheney's acceptance speeches, millions of gays and lesbians all over America were solely concerned with whether or not Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary was accompanied in the VIP section with her . . . uh . . . What are they calling them now? Oh! Her "life partner".

Yeah, Dick's daughter Mary is a lesbian. She works for  Coors Beer, traveling around the country persuading gay bars to forget Coors' wicked right wing past and serve the watery brew to their techno boppin' patrons. As a matter of fact, Mary spent many months studying the most intimate customs and traditions of the gay male leather scene so she effectively peddle Coors to leather S and M bars from sea to shining sea. And now, of course, she will spend the next couple of months persuading gay voters to forget her dad's wicked right wing past and vote for the Bush - Cheney ticket in November. Look forward to a video of George and Dick leathered up from head to toe astride a couple of bad ass Harleys barrelling down Route 66 as Judas Priest roars on the soundtrack. Maybe George'll grow a mustache!

America's gay community were so totally focused on waiting for occasional shots of the Cheney family so they could feverishly search the screen in search of Mary's life partner (If straight women start pushing their boyfriends to call them that, we'll turn queer) that they were completely oblivious to the obscene joke Cheney told about a rabbi with a wooden leg who walks into a gay bar and Bush's promise that "When you make me President we're gonna send all the homos back to France where they came from!" The Democrats plan to deploy this clever diversionary tactic for their own convention by trickin NRA members into studying the VIP section to see if Tipper Gore is wielding a double barrelled shotgun or not while her husband tells the crowd "They wanna talk about their cold dead hands, we'll give those dumb ass rednecks cold dead hands and shove their goddam guns up their their cold dead butts!!"

On a final note: Joe Leiberman has an adult daughter and if she isn't practicing homosexuality with young women I'm sure she is causing it in young men.

Hey, all this election stuff done got me thinkin' what it woulda been like if I had gone into politics instead of heavyweight boxing. Yeah . . . I can see it now . . .

BLACKLIST PANIC RETURNS TO HOLLYWOOD!!! Just as Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy terrorized Hollywood in the fifties when his House UnAmerican Activities Committee threatened to blacklist members of the entertainment community suspected to be Communists, today Tail Gummer John SALEEBY has all of Show Biz in fear with his House Unamusing Activities Committee threatening to throw comedians who are not really funny into unemployment forever. Having rocked the nation with his yet to be proven allegation that the late night programming department of a major television network has been infiltrated by fifty seven members of the Harvard Lampoon, SALEEBY held millions of Americans transfixed when suspected unfunny comedy stars were subpeonaed for testimony in HUAC hearings on live television.
CSPAN: Committee Chairman John
SALEEBY(Sen.-Louisiana) and Co Chairman Izzy STRADLIN(Sen.-Indiana) are sharing a pepparoni pizza and grilling Richard Lewis, thoroughly unfunny stand up comic.

SALEEBY: Mister Lewis, are you now, or have you ever, been funny without a laugh track?
LEWIS:Under the advice of my agent, I am taking the Fifth Amendment.
SALEEBY: Mister Lewis! Are you now, or have you ever, been funny without a laugh track?
LEWIS:Under the advice of my agent, I am taking the Fifth Amendment.
SALEEBY:Mister Lewis! Are you now . . . or have you ever . . .
LEWIS:Under the advice of the neurotic jew I only hired because he once bounced a matzoh ball off of the top of Adolf Eichman's head, I-
SALEEBY:Whoa! What was that?!
LEWIS:I couldn't help it!
STRADLIN:That was a joke?
SALEEBY:That wasn't funny.
STRADLIN:That wasn't funny at all.
SALEEBY:That sucked!
STRADLIN:Big time!
SALEEBY:Get the hell outta here, Lewis! You'll never work in this town again!
LEWIS:Eh, I haven't had a decent gig since ABC cancelled that shit sit com I was on with Jamie Lee Curtis anyway.
SALEEBY:Maybe you can get a job at Burger King with Jenna Elfman and Paul Reiser!
STRADLIN: Jamie Lee Curtis?
SALEEBY:Send her a subpeona and get that damn Janeane Garofalo in here. I wanna wrap this up in time to catch "Boy Meets World".  


John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
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