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The First Rant of the Millennium

By Wil Forbis
Sometimes, it just doesn't pay to be good. In fact, most times it doesn't pay to be good. Scratch that, it NEVER pays to be good.

I hate to sound jaded, as if the Emperor has finally convinced me to use my Jedi powers for the dark side, but take a look around. It seems we live in a world where the money, the power and yes, even the women are granted to the morally vacuous, the spiritually corrupt, while decent noble folk (like myself) totter along hoping that at the end of day we'll at least be able to raid our grandmother's Vicadin prescription and down it with a scotch and soda. Just look at the sellouts and scum who parade through the newspapers and magazines of today's godless society: Donald Trump, O.J. Simpson, Mariah Carey, Bill Clinton, Courtney Love, George W. Bush… filth, every one of them. They got where they are by stepping on the little people around them and once they arrived they had no problem abusing their position. But still the public fawns over these ilk, excusing their every transgression. We've become a nation of yes men for every wife-beating, money-hoarding, intern-fondling germ culture that generates a six-digit income or is labeled one of People's "50 Most Attractive."

Need a more specific example? Take Mike Tyson. To me he's always stood as an excellent model of the concept that evil always wins. He takes home million dollar purses and fornicates with supermodels as a reward for his date-raping, brain-smashing, ear-chomping thuggery. And all the while he shows no remorse or regret. Why should he? Despite his transgressions he has legions of fans who acclaim his ability to pummel and whom hang on his every paranoid, self-pitying word. Women wrote him love letters while he vacationed in prison for raping one of their sisters. Don't get me wrong, the problem isn't Tyson, it's the society that rewards Tyson for his brutality. It the society that told him "Be a brute and you will be worshipped."

And it's not just the celebrities. I don't think I'm overgeneralizing when I say ALL rich people are scum and should die. They claim to deserve their wealth but how much work is it to inherit your uncle's millions or sit around the water cooler discussing real estate? Work is laying down railroad tracks with your Chinese brethren, wrestling crocodiles in the Louisiana swamps or prostituting yourself to migrant farm workers in Southern California. Work drains sweat from your brow, blood from your fingers and tears from your eyes. Most of these Gucci wearing, Oxford graduating, BMW driving Yuppies wouldn't know real work if it came up and twisted their nipple.

I suppose you can look at one of these platinum blondes driving on the freeway (whom you know married rich and has every concern taken care of for them) and say "Ahh, but she'll never gain the self actualization and spiritual understanding I've come to know through my life of struggle and pain." But deep down, you know it's a hollow victory. The truth is, the Ivana Trumps of this world triumph: they divorce rich and lie around on alligator-skin lawn chairs drinking cosmopolitans served to them by Chippendale dancers. Meanwhile, the most the Sylvia Plaths of this world can look forward to is getting to do their best impression of a Stouffer's Lasagna.

Don't get me wrong - I'm no commie socialist making desperate pleas for the people to redistribute wealth, nor am I a grunge superstar advocating a class war from my home in Malibu. I'm just a simple man, and if I draw strength from hating and despising those around me, so much the better. Besides, we all know I'm a hypocrite. If Mariah Carey came up to me tomorrow and offered me a position licking the grime between her toes, I'd jump at the opportunity (hoping that it may lead to a position licking other parts of her body… and I think you know what I mean by the word "position.") And then I'd waste no more time associating with the underclass and writing rabble rousing columns such as this. Nay, instead I'd lay around Mariah's pool, taking designer drugs and telling Puff Daddy his new album was "mad cool!" Praying that eventually I'd be able to forget all semblance of my former life.

See you around, suckers.


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Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email -

Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.