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Hey, Guys! Take The ARE YOU A SCUMBAG? Quiz!

By John Saleeby

1) You and your friends get together to:
a) Drink beer.
b) Worship Satan.
c) Write jokes for your next TONIGHT SHOW opening monologue.

2) You spent your youth-
a) Drinking beer.
b) Torturing animals.
c) Plotting to steal Johnny Carson's job.

3) Whenever you and a friend have a disagreement you -
a) Drink beer with him.
b) Strangle him and have sex with his dismembered corpse.
c) Screw him, he can just get his own talk show on CBS.

4) Whenever there is a lull in a conversation you-
a) Drink beer.
b) Make noise so no one can hear the door knobs singing about the eyeballs in your refrigerator.
c) Make a joke about Halle Berry's driving.

5) Your favorite kind of music is-
a) Beer drinking music.
b) Lead pipe rhythmicly pounding on prostitute's head.
c) Loud blasts of electric guitar to cover up silence after dud jokes.

6) Your most satisfying moment was-
a) Your last beer.
b) The look on that hitchhilker's face when she saw the door handles had been removed.
c)When they took Arsenio Hall's black ass off the air.

7) Whenever you need to boost your self esteem you-
a) Drink beer.
b) Go down to the basement and make fun of your mother's mummified corpse.
c)Watch videotapes of THE MAGIC JOHNSON SHOW.

8) Your greatest weakness is-
a) Drinking beer.
b) Crumbling into dust when exposed to sunlight.
c) Regular guys don't worry about stuff like that, I just like writing
jokes, working on cars, and thinking about how I can screw over my friends to achieve my selfish goals.

9) You most often tell friends-
a) Want a beer?
b) The dead body the cops found? No, I don't know anything about it.
c) Well, if you go on Dave's show you ain't goin' on mine!

10) These days you seem to spend more time-
a) Drinking beer.
b) Nothing. Not very much at all.
c) Writing jokes, working on cars, and wondering why it's so tough making "friends" with Conan O'Brien.

The Man On The Street Interview: How Should Billy Bob Thornton Be Punished For Breaking That Poor Laura Dern's Heart?"

Denise Kramer, 29 - Schoolteacher:
"I'd cut all his skin off and then I'd sew it into a Little Lord Fauntleroy suit and make him wear it in front of everybody while he bled to death."

Ed Stakes, 38 - Caterer
"You ever heard of The Chinese Water Torture where one drop of water after another falls on his head until he goes crazy? I say we give him The Chinese Bowling Ball Torture. Did you know that in China bowling balls weigh fifty seven tons? Yeah, drop one after another of those on his head and see how long until he goes crazy."

Connie Benderman, 42 - Housewife
"Transplant an elephant fetus into his head and pump pregnant female elephant hormones through his skull until his brain goes into elephant labor and the last thing he experiences before the most horrible cerebral hemmorage any human being has ever experienced is a great big elephant trunk bursting right out of what had once been his face and choking that whore Angelina Jolie to death."

Ron Blakemon,34 - Car salesman
"He's the guy who made that movie 'Sling Blade', right? Well, first of all, he should be tied up in a chair by someone who's dressed up as My Lord And Savior Jesus Christ - That's so he'll be aware of the severity of his offense - and then a whole bunch of Death Row convicts come in each one with his very own 'Sling Blade' whatever the hell that is and wearing a long blonde Laura Dern wig and the first one cuts off one of his finger joints and the next one cuts off another finger joint and . . . Hey, where are you going? I haven't gotten to the part where they chop up his intestines one inch at a time! Hey! Come back here!"

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.