Within the April 19, 1999 issue of The New Yorker, in an article about
several women whom carried on a pen-pal relationship with a man on Death
Row, Barbara Sproul, a one-time board member of Amnesty International
states "If you are a letter writer, you know how intimate that connection
can be over the years." Barbara is not the sort of person who designates
the term "letter writer" on the occasional scribbler of informal notes
or the yearly Christmas card. Indeed it is a phrase to be applied to
those who consciously apply themselves to what they view as an art:
the ability to achieve the fullest of human relationships primarily
(sometimes solely) through written communication. It is, as some say,
a dying art form, being replaced by such newfangled devices as the telephone,
the audio cassette and the video camera (with which one can send "video
postcards.") However, is it truly a skill set on its lasts legs or one
about to be pulled (kicking and screaming) into the modern age?
The salvation of letter writing would assumably be the e-mail. Through
the advent of Internet communication, letter writing is back with a
vengeance. This time however, the words are not recorded on paper documents
and hand delivered by the friendly postal carrier, but converted to
digital information "packets" and piped through a matrix of wires and
connections to be reassembled on your computer screen. Whereas only
ten years ago people had serious fears that the human race would eliminate
the need for the written word and delegate itself purely to vocal communication,
now we of the internet age are bombarded daily with miniature notes,
blatherings from old acquaintances, sales pitches for Viagra or inane
mumblings from series of newsgroups.
Every form of communication needs a style guide, a way of spelling
out simple rules for its practitioners to follow. E-mail has yet to
have created this guide, and indeed the lack of such rules have created
some interesting problems for people unskilled in transferring their
ideas to digital paper. Certain phrases work fine in spoken communication,
yet suffer when converted to the written word. Other verbage works fine
in the formal setting of Victorian letter writing but loses something
when scribed into the less casual setting of e-mail. This article hopes
to pinpoint some of these problems and spur society towards the creation
of some standard guidelines of this new communication form.
Addressing the Issue of Over-Politeness.
One of the big problems with e-mail currently is the abundance of over-politeness.
E-mail is indisputably a disposable communication tool, the equivalent
of an electronic post-it note. Nonetheless people seem unable to release
e-mail from the inanities of modern "smile-till-it-hurts" business protocol.
The result are e-mail strings like this:
JuliaGlibb@Hotmail.com
Subject: Barney, Need favor
Barney,
How’s
it going. I meant to stop in at your office yesterday during lunch and
say ‘hi.’ How’s Peg and the kids? I thought little Todd was absolutely
adorable in his junior theater version of "Death of a Salesman."
By the way, do you have the Excel
spreadsheet for the Timmons account we worked on together last year?
Alicia’s computer went down Thursday (Surprise!) and the network boys
wiped her hard drive. Any chance you could forward it to me?
Thanks, and I look forward to seeing
you at the Little League championships. Of course you must know the
Boilers are going to wipe up the mound with the The Owls.
Julia
MadDoctor@FarleyAssoc.com
Subject: Re: Barney, Need favor
Julia,
Zoicks, I’ll have to see if I can
track down that spreadsheet. I pretty sure we backed it up to zip a
couple months ago but I’m not sure how well those were labled. I’ll
see if I can track it down during my lunch break.
Unfortunally, you are sadly mistaking
with your prediction for Saturday’s game. The Boilers are powered by
very little other than hot air. The don’t call us the Owls for nothing.
Hoot, hoot!
Barney Thompson
Executive in Charge of Accounts Payable, 3rd Division John Farley and
Associates
"What have you done with Spock's
Brain?"
JuliaGlibb@Hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Barney, Need favor
Barney,
I hate to think of you wasting your
lunch hour to track down the Timmons spreadsheet. We don’t need it ASAP,
just whenever you’ve got the time. I know you like to use your lunch
break for that martini at MacFlannery’s.
Just kidding!
Julia
MadDoctor@FarleyAssoc.com
Subject: Re: Barney, Need favor
Julia,
Just so you know, I haven’t forgotten
about your request, I just ran out of time yesterday. One of our temps
spilled a cola on the fax machine and it started smoking and ended up
setting Lori’s dress on fire. I finished up supervising our cleaning
staff to mop up the floor because the fire extinguisher went off.
I’ll get to it as soon as possible.
Barney Thompson
Executive in Charge of Accounts Payable, 3rd Division John Farley and
Associates
"What have you done with Spock's
Brain?"
JuliaGlibb@Hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Barney, Need favor
Barney,
Thanks once again for doing this.
Sounds like things are just as crazy over there as they used to be.
I really appreciate this.
Also, Barney, I thought about my
martini joke the other day, and I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t make jokes
about things like that especially when Peg tells me you’ve been trying
so hard and doing so well. When I talked to her at the Spring Cleaning
sale at Sears she said you were like a changed man. I’m sure they’ll
eventually let you get your license back.
Hugs,
Julia
MadDoctor@FarleyAssoc.com
Subject: Re: Barney, Need favor
Julia,
Thanks for your apology. I guess
I didn’t want to admit it, but your joke really did hurt me. It reminded
me of the old me, someone I’m trying to forget. The truth I wasn’t able
to find the spreadsheet yesterday because I really didn’t try. I’m sorry.
I have to tell you, I wake up every
day just thankful I didn’t kill that women.
Barney Thompson
Executive in Charge of Accounts Payable, 3rd Division John Farley and
Associates
"What have you done with Spock's
Brain?"
JuliaGlibb@Hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Barney, Need favor
Barney,
The important thing for you to know
is how many people out there love and respect you. You’ve just got so
much to live for, three wonderful children and beautiful wife (Tell
Peg I don’t think she looks overweight at all.) In truth, we all saw
what you were doing with your life and didn’t make any attempt to step
in a do anything. We were your enablers.
We are all God’s children,
Julia
MadDoctor@FarleyAssoc.com
Subject: Re: Barney, Need favor
Julia,
You shouldn’t blame yourself for
what I did. I’m my own person and I made my own mistakes. But the important
thing is that I learn from them.
Attached is the Timmons spreadsheet.
I was able to retrieve with my usual expediency, huh? (LOL)
Thanks for your support.
Barney Thompson
Executive in Charge of Accounts Payable, 3rd Division John Farley and
Associates
"What have you done with Spock's
Brain?"
EXCUSE ME PEOPLE BUT AREN’T WE SUPPOSED TO BE WORKING HERE?!?! Maybe
we should start charging by the letter. Couldn’t that conversation have
gone much more efficiently along the lines of
Julia: Barney, Do you have a copy of the Timmons Spreadsheet.
Barney: Here you go. (See attachment.)
The Loss of Tone
It also needs to be understood with e-mail, that the tone one can communicate
with the spoken word is also lost when translated to a computer screen.
Often humorous techniques like sarcasm or mock-seriousness can get lost
and little to sometimes painful miscommunication as the following illustrates.
BadMothahhh@triffod.com
Subject: tan-go-ray and chronic
Dude,
that hash recipe kicked ass. Me and Stone Doggy cooked up some brownies
on Sunday and they ripped! We sat around watching Heavy Metal, like,
12 times.
However, the leftover stuff in the
bowl was all fuckin’ weird. Wet and sloppy, like the time I had sex
with your mom!
Chill, D
charmshool@peace.org
Subject: Re:tan-go-ray
and chronic
Dude,
fuck you! I don’t need to hear that shit, you cocksucker! Fuck off and
die!
RastaMan
BadMothahhh@triffod.com
Subject: tan-go-ray
and chronic
Dude,
mellow brother… I was just joking. Of course I didn’t have sex with
your mom, that’d be like fucking a ball of hair.
Take a chill pill brother.
Chill, D
charmshool@peace.org
Subject: Re: tan-go-ray
and chronic
Dude,
Your the one who needs to chill.
I can’t believe you thought I was serious about that. You must think
I’m one thinned skinned motherfucker to get pissed off about something
like that. Ever heard of sarcasm? Look it up on your computer dictionary
you trust fund hippie.
RastaMan
BadMothahhh@triffod.com
Subject: tan-go-ray
and chronic
Give
me some credit man, I knew this was all a joke form day one. Can you
say the same? I think maybe that women of yours is turning you all sensitive
and stuff.
Peace
D
charmshool@peace.org
Subject: Re: tan-go-ray
and chronic
Dude,
It’s great how we can joke about
all this stuff and insult each other and we both knows it’s cool. It’s
like my brother Chet, if you talk to him like that he gets all pissed
and uptight and shit. Fucking establishment motherfuckers.
Catch you at the Rage show on Friday,
I should have some killer Pink blotter.
RastaMan
P.S. Check out this great porn site
http://www.sluttymammas.com
The Technical Aspects of Carbon Copying
The ability to CC (Carbon Copy) an e-mail and send it multiple addresses
is a tremendous time saver and communication tool. In the business world
Project Managers can update various teams with a single click of the
send button. Home users can send digital Christams Cards out to large
lists of acquaintances with ease.
However, problems often occur when people send response to CC’d e-mails
not realizing their response will go to everyone on the list. For example,
the following discourse could lead to a multiple of problems:
JimB@ColoradoMutual.com
Subject: Blanket Notice CC:RonB@ColoradoMutual.com,CarolXavier@ColoradoMutual.com,
TimLeschi@ColoradoMutual.com
Team:
Great work on the reassessment for
the Navajo Blanket Loan’s Kid’s and Fun Internmenship program. Just
a few final words:
Ron: can you gather up the postscript
documents we got from the Indian Heritage center and forward them to
me and Carol.
Carol: I still need those 1998 brochures.
Tim: Work with Ron to compile a
contact list for next years event.
Thanks people,
Jim Brewson Information Technology Specialist in charge of Digital Networking
and Special Projects
Colorado Mtutual Foundation
JimB@ColoradoMutual.com
Subject: Blanket Notice CC:RonB@ColoradoMutual.com,CarolXavier@ColoradoMutual.com,
TimLeschi@ColoradoMutual.com
Jim,
You realize of course that if I
have to work with Ron on any project I’ll have no choice but to finally
snap and kill him. His utter inefficiency and painful lameness have
proven themselves time and time again and I feel we would all be better
off if he was replaced by a lobotomized spider monkey.
I wouldn’t mind poking his wife
though.
Tim
It can be assumed that Tim did not intend to send that message to
Ron as brief perusal of his CC field indicates he did. This sort of
event could be problematic in any business office, especially if Ron
is much larger than Tim.
E-mail at the Speed of Thought
With the advent of technology designed to enable paraplegics to interact
with computer by literally "jacking in" from their brain directly to
the computer, it’s is presumably not far off that technological citizens
will be able to simply "think" their e-mail. Though on many levels this
could be advantageous to society, problems may occur. Human nature would
dictate that e-mails such as the following would be sent.
Webby@webster.net Subject:
No.. Don’t Send…
Mom,
I was wondering if you could forward
this month's living allowance early (Don’t tell her it’s for drugs!)
My car died and I’ve been catching the bus into campus (Don’t tell her
they kicked me out of college!) Once my paycheck comes in from work
I should be able to cover next month. (Don’t tell her that I was fired
for shooting up in the bathroom! Damn it, I’ve got to stop thinking
this stuff! Can’t send it now, No don’t send, No… Don’t press "sen…."
As one famous scientist once speculated, if you are told not to think
about bananas for a minute, the next sixty seconds of your thoughts
will be filled with nothing but.
E-mail is a wonderful and convenient new way for us to communicate. However,
as with any for of communication, a protocol must be established to
dictate it’s use. Ideally, this article will stimulate thought on the
design of this protocol and its use.
Wil Forbis is a
well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending
chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the
world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy,
he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - acidlogic@hotmail.comVisit Wil's web log, My So-Called Penis, and receive complete enlightenment.
