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Preach on Brother, it's still more of two Saleeby articles in one !~!

Roll the dice on...


Man, poor dead dumb Andy Warhol. After all those paintings, all those movies, and all those parties the only genuinely lasting contribution he's made to our culture is that stupid "In the future everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes" crack. Every cocktail party quipster who ever got a laugh with something like "Tom Green, your fifteen minutes are UP!" should have a Cambell's Soup label tattooed all over their face and the top of their head opened up with an electric can opener. "Cream Of Cerebellum! Allright!" And in most of your cases I don't think we'll have to add water, if you know what I mean. Yeah, we're gonna need to run out and get another box of crackers if we're gonna make a decent meal outta . . . Oh boy . . . When it comes to art I prefer Jackson Pollock. His paintings look like the inside of a can of soup. I also like Van Gogh. He might have made a pretty good bowl of soup, as long as he didn't overdo it with the Q Tips first. And don't forget Marcel Duchamp's "Noodle Descending A Staircase". Did you know that Picasso invented bullion? That was in his cubist period.

Actually, there's one quote of Warhol's that I kinda like. This caught my eye when I looked at "The Andy Warhol Diaries" in the bookstore - "Why is Bruce Springsteen popular? He talks the stupid way, like Sylvester Stallone." Yeah! You tell em, Numb Nuts! "The stupid way"! Yeah, that's allright.

But I'm still glad he's dead.

Yeah, they broke up the band but they've still got that hard headed PUNK ATTITUDE!

Joey's a a barber- "He only knows how to give people crew cuts!" "We all look like we're in The Marine Corps!" Joey don't care! "I'm makin' a statement, man!" "Ramone, YOU'RE FIRED! Yo, Boy George! Whip out them wigs and extensions and fix these skinheads up with that crazy Flock Of Seagrams look!"

Johnny's a bartender- "He won't serve us anything but straight whiskey!" Johnny won't back down! "Ain't you ever read about 'mimimamism'?" "That's 'minimalism', you jack ass!" "Ramone, YOU'RE FIRED! Yo, Frampton! Crank up that electric blender and whip up some of them frozen fruity rum drinks with the little paper umbrellas!"

But Dee Dee's a hit at White Castle! "He's a wizard of fast food mass production! Everyone of these burgers is exactly alike in every way!" Dee Dee is totally oblivious of his brilliance! "You mean I made more than one of them things?" "Ramone, YOU'RE HIRED! Yo, Bootsy, Wootsy, Cutesy, whatever your stupid name is, get that Quadruple Swiss Cheese With Guacemole Turkey Burger the hell outta here and hit the bricks!!"


>John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email -