Let's Hear it for Genetically Engineered Foods!
(Or, "Attack of the Killer Troumatos.")

There's been much fuss made in the news lately about the fact that the food industry is now producing fruits, vegetables, grains, and other food stuffs via non-natural methods. One such method is called genetic engineering and as usual, hippies, neo-luddites and other assorted filth are up in arms about it.

Well, damn them all to hell, I say! Damn them all to hell and let them be tortured by Satan with his hot flames of hell and his pointy trident thingy.

I, for one, am all for genetically engineered food, cloning and scientists generally messing with nature. Everyone always talks about the "perfection" of nature, but it seems to me that nature sucks. It's filled with diseases and aging and animals violently attacking each other. Ask any pregnant women to tell you about the beauty and efficiency of nature and most likely they'll throw up yesterday's ice Cream and pickle sandwich on your shoes. Years ago, George Carlin had a routine based on the argument that AIDS was Mother Nature's way of fighting back against humans. If that's the case, I say "Step back, grandma, cuz mankind's coming at you guns 'ablazing."

And the best way we can do this is by taking Mother Nature's purified treasures and perverting them for our own uses. That's where genetically engineered foods come in. The other day someone was telling me about how they've somehow genetically crossed a trout with a tomato (creating a troumato, I suppose) and in some strange way this aided the corporate food industry. I fail to see what the point of this is, but if it screws up Mother Nature, I'm all for it. Some people complain that these new unlabeled trout tomatoes will wreck havoc for people who are allergic to fish, but what good is a person that can't wolf down a troumato? They're a relic from a bygone era and they should get the hell out of the gene pool. It's called Darwinism, baby, maybe you can read up on it as you wheeze out your last gasps from that salmon asparagus you just had.

If there's a lesson here, it's avoid all fruits and vegetables, and stick to a diet of meat. Meat is already so perverted with preservatives and lord knows what, it's probably as safe as randomly drink smoking viles in a mad scientist's laboratory. And that's just how we like it. Life isn't worth much without danger and an all meat diet provides just that. We get to enjoy the juicy suculance of lamb, and burgers, and chicken wings, all the while depriving Mother Nature of her works or art (animals.) That should keep her at bay long enough so that we can invent space travel and fly of this rock (but not before we line the surface of the earth with a series of timed nuclear explosives.)

So to all you scientist out there who keep trying to cross a pear with a platypus, I say "Keep at it." We need even more interesting contortions of fruit and vegetables. I for one have always wanted to try a banalmi (banana crossed with salami.) Or a Tsaotato (Potato crossed with General Tsao's chicken.) Or a lunawhich (lime combined with Tuna salad sandwich.) And to all you hippies and other scum… "Go choke on a Blowbean!" (Blowfish and soy beans.)