The Clinton Scandal and its Effect on Children.
One of the most discussed areas of the Clinton debacle has been the concern of what the effects of a world leader caught in lie will be on our children. Henry Hyde recently trotted out a letter from a wee lad that essentially stated, "If Clinton can lie, why can’t I?" While at the time I was mocking of Hyde’s assertions that the President’s faults would lead to a lost modern generation, I became concerned a few weeks later when my nephew, Spike, came to visit. A hearty lad at the age of eight, he raised some legitimate points about the effects of Clinton’s indiscretions on the whole of our youth."Uncle Wil" he bleated on the first morning of his stay, awaking me from my methadone induced bliss, "I’ve got a question for ya."
"What’s the matter, Spike?" I queried. "Are you already tired of playing with my knife collection?"
"That’s boring, Uncle Wil," he festooned. "I want to talk politics."
"Politics!" I yelped. "That’s hardly suitable for a young man of your age. Why don’t you go look at some online pornography?"
"I do that at school all the time, Uncle Wil. I came to visit you to do different stuff. Now answer my question!"
"Well, all right youngster," I conceded. "I suppose it’s futile to try and keep you innocent in this day and age. Pass me a cigarette and fire away.
"Sure thing," Spike said while handing me a Clove from our previous night’s shoplifting binge. "What I want to know is this: What’s all the fuss about President Clinton?"
"President who?" I innocently queried. "I’m afraid I’m not familiar with whom you’re talking about. Is he one of your generation’s new-fangled rap musicians? Like Master P?"
"Cut the bologna, Uncle Wil," Spike said. "You know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s in all the papers."
"Well, I never really had much call to learn to read Spike," I said, continuing my plea of naiveté. "In my day there wasn’t much use for it what with we could get a good job raising dinosaurs and all."
"Uncle Willlll!" Spike bellowed, "If you don’t tell the truth I’m going to start eating Legos again!!"
"Oh all right," I sighed, realizing that no barrier I constructed could withstand the force of youthful curiosity. "The fuss is about the fact that President Clinton had sex with a woman who wasn’t Mrs. Clinton and then lied about it."
"Was this that Gennifer Flowers, I’ve heard about?"
"Uhhh... no. Change that to ‘President Clinton had sex with two women, etc.’" I corrected myself.
"Ohhh, it’s that Paula Jones woman everyone says looks like a dog."
"No, no, no, Look Spike, the sex part isn’t the main thing anyway. What Clinton is on trial for is the lying. For lying under oath that he had sex with another woman and I suppose in a more symbolic way for lying to Mrs. Clinton and Chelsea. And a lot of people want to see that he’s punished for this."
"How did Chelsea feel about all this?" Spike asked, empathetically identifying with the child of the Clinton family.
"Well, I suppose she felt the same way you did when your father ran out on you and your mother with a 22 year old stripper and the mortgage money for the trailer."
"But Uncle Wil," Spike spoke up. "Mommy said Daddy died fighting for America’s freedom in Viet Nam."
"In 1994? Suuure he did, Spike. That’s what I meant to say."
"See, Uncle Wil, now you’re doing it. You’re lying."
"Well, there are certain kinds of lies, Spike," I hastily defended myself. "There are lies that you tell to protect people, there are lies that you tell to protect yourself, and there are lies you tell when you feel yourself going into caffeine withdrawal while an annoying toddler prattles on at you about the state of the Nation."
"Are you ever punished for your lies Uncle Wil?"
"Well, Spike, I’m beginning to think that you’re part of my punishment."
"Okay, one more thing Uncle Wil, What’s this oral sex I keep hearing so much about?"
"Well, now we’re talking Spike. Oral sex is one of God’s great gifts to mankind. In the Clinton case it basically entails what Bill and Monica did in their private time. They would wait until they were alone and then the President would pull his johnson out of his pants and..."
"President Johnson? I thought we were talking about President Clinton"
"No, Spike, his JOHNSON. You know, his wanker, his wee-wee, his Big Daddy, his penis!"
"Uhh, hold on, Uncle Wil" Spike said. "I’m not sure I want to hear this."
"No, Spike, this is important, " I said. "I’m not going to try and dodge your questions any longer. So Bill would pull out his penis and Monica would take it in her mouth and..."
"Uncle Willlll! I really don’t want to hear this"
"They’d continue in this manner for quite some time, Clinton’s manhood going in and out of..."
"I’m not listening!" Spike clamped his hands over his ears. "I can’t hear you. I’m singing a song and I can’t hear you! Sabbath Bloody Sabbath..."
"Anyway, Spike, they’d carry on this way for quite some time, often while Clinton was conducting affairs of the state. Eventually he’d have an orgasm in which case a white fluidy substance would come out of his.."
"Aaaargh! Shut up. Shut up! Please, Uncle Wil, SHUT UP!"
"...would either spit or swallow this milky substance. And that Spike, is oral sex in a nutshell (No pun intended.)"
"That is totally gross, Uncle Wil," Spike moaned. "I wish you hadn’t told me."
"Well Spike, now you know how the American people feel. And why it’s always best to lie."
Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - acidlogic@hotmail.comVisit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.