Baseball Caps and Padded Bras: America Battles its Insecurities
By Wil Forbis
It's a shame really, that we live in a world where people feel the need to cover up their flaws. In truth we should be celebrating our differences, celebrating what makes us unique from one another. In fact, I often wish I had flaws, so I could take part in all this celebrating.
But that's not how we do things is it? Instead we hide our defects -- whether they be physical or psychological --- behind a mask of cosmetics, fashion accessories, psychotropic drugs and bloated egos (or so I'm told.) But I think you'll agree with me, dear reader, that eventually these castles come a crumbling and our failings are exposed.
I think these two recent conversations I had make this point clear.
Conversation one: (my conversating partner was "Bob" a 35 year old charity consultant who proposed we work together on a project. We recently got together over coffee, he dressed in Friday casuals and a baseball cap, I wearing my standard turtleneck and corduroys.)
Bob: "Wil, I'm really glad we finally got a chance to meet on this one. And I'm glad you've expressed an interest in the Ethiopian Immigration Project."
Me: "No problem Bob, I've always been concerned with starving Egyptians."
Bob: "Uhh, right. Anyway, we really feel you can contribute greatly to the fund drive. As you can see here we have a variety of strategies we'd like your opinion on."
(At this point the sun was getting hot so Bob removed his cap.)
Me: "Well, Bob, these all look like exciting concepts. I… hold on!"
Bob: "What? Is something wrong!"
Me: "I'll say there is! You're bald!"
Bob: "Well, uhhh, yeah, I'm getting a little thin up top but…"
Me: "A little thin? I haven't seen such clearcutting since Weyerhaeuser went to work in Northern Washington! It's as smooth as Venus up there!"
Bob: "Well, uhh look Wil, I don't think the state of my head is the issue. We're talking about starving immigrants who have suffered a…"
Me: "Bob, The state of your head is exactly the issue. I have one rule and that is: I can't be seen in public with bald people. People may suspect that I’m not actually cool"
Bob: "What? I… that's outrageous!"
Me: "Look Bob, it's nothing personal, but society has a stringent bias against domeheads like yourself. Look at Lex Luthor in the Superman comics. There's a clear message there and it is that all bald people are evil. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take my leave."
Bob: "But Wil, what about the children! They need you. What about helping the children!?! "
Me: "Leave me out of your wicked schemes, Bob. Besides, as long as they have Rogaine, they'll be fine. Sayonara cue-ball!"
(At that point I got up and left, neglecting to pay my share of the bill.)
After examining that conversation, I'm sure you'll agree with me that if Bob had been up front with his hair disability from the start, I wouldn't have had to waste time belonging to either of us.
However it's not like men have the monopoly on creative personal embellishment and I think the following makes this clear.
Conversation 2: (My conversating partner was Mia, a 26 year old secretary I'd had my eye on and had finally managed to get on a date by threatening to have a certain IRS officer I know audit her. It had been a swell night and by feigning a case of vertigo I'd manage to foil her attempts to leave me at her doorstep and had made it into her apartment. Midway through two glasses of Shiraz the following occurre.)
Me: "Boy, it sure is hot in here!"
Mia: "What are you talking about, it's the dead of winter and my air conditioner is stuck at "on.""
Me: "Whatever. I'm going to take my shirt off and I suggest you do the same."
Mia: "Well… this is clearly the only way I can get you to leave. All right, just don't tell anyone"
Me: "Great! Boy, I've been waiting a long time to get a look at those… waitasec!"
Me: "What's with your bra, it's got … stuff in it?"
Mia: "It's a fill up bra. They make me look bigger. Lot's of girls use them."
Me: "I can't believe this. You lied to me! I thought you had a set of real melons!"
Mia: "Jesus Christ, get over it! You knew I was part Asian!"
Me: "This is deplorable Mia. I really think we could have had something, a relationship, possibly a marriage based on the fact that I like giant funbags! But you've gone and made a mockery of the very concept of large breasts! Well, I've got standards, and they don't fall below 36D!"
Thus, with my righteousness intact and tears rolling down my face, I stormed out of the apartment.
There is definitely a moral here and I would like to pass it on to America's youth, so they can learn from Bob and Mia's mistakes. Girls, follow Britney Spear's lead and get breast augmentation surgery and do it as soon as possible. Guys, be sure to start saving for hair plugs now, unless you're black and can get away with that cool Ving Rhames look.
In other words: Be yourself.
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Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - email@example.com
Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.