If you don't check out that site, you are a communist.
posted by wil forbis 11/29/2002 04:23:18 PM

You know, I hate to admit it, but I'm kind of a sucker for Christmastime. I remember when I was a kid I used to go to the Ala Moana Mall in Honolulu where I grew up and they'd have all these Christmas displays and visits with Santa Claus. Now, everyone will tell you that those were merely blatent marketing attempts that encouraged crass consumerism, but at the time, in the eyes of a child, it was still a great time. Even now, when I hear Christmas music, I feel a longing for those days.

I remember one trip to Ala Moana when I was walking around and peered into the bottom on a trash can. There at the bottom was the severed head of a homeless man. I pulled it out and started playing with it. I reached in and pulled out his eyeball and then put in my mouth. I went over to my Mom and said, "Mommy, look! I have an eyeball in my mouth!" She started screaming and freaking out and this crazed look came over her.

It was about that time that they took Mommy away.

Good times...
posted by wil forbis 11/29/2002 04:12:18 PM

How come all these terrorist groups who claim to be fighting for the poor, oppressed people of the world spend so much time blowing up the poor, oppressed people of the world?
posted by wil forbis 11/29/2002 04:04:12 PM

Thursday, November 28, 2002
When I heard Bush had pardoned a turkey for Thanksgiving I thought, "Wow, they're going to let out Mumia Abu-Jamal!?"

Just a little Thanksgiving humor for you folks.
posted by wil forbis 11/28/2002 09:48:23 AM

Wednesday, November 27, 2002
I've really been getting into the Lifetime channel lately.
posted by wil forbis 11/27/2002 11:56:59 PM

Right on. Two searches at acid logic last week for the phrase "fish testicals." One for "do fish have testicals?"

posted by wil forbis 11/27/2002 09:13:06 AM

Monday, November 25, 2002
I think Thanksgiving is on its way out, holiday-wise. I give it 20 years, tops.
posted by wil forbis 11/25/2002 06:51:47 PM

Sunday, November 24, 2002
It's funny how poeple use the word "ass" to imply something extreme. Like, "Man those are some big-ass feet!" or "That was one crazy-ass nigga that came by Delroy's last night." How did this trend get started?

You can find out in my upcoming Simon And Shuster book, "The History of Ass."
posted by wil forbis 11/24/2002 05:45:05 PM

I dropped in this local club called the Distillery last night. Normally I'm pretty down on clubs and bars, but I gotta say, this is one place that gets it. Most music venues are tied down to one "scene" be it punk or latin or metal or whatever. But over the various visits I've made to the Distillery I've seen:

A surprisingly good hardcore band

A Johnny Cash cover band

A Mogwai-ish instrumental band.

Local garage rockers Magnolia Thunderfinger (They sucked, by the way.)

Then I walked in last night and it was this sort of Mexican rock band singing half the songs in Spanish. You gotta admit, that's pretty fly. Or is it dope? Yeah, it's pretty dope.


posted by wil forbis 11/24/2002 12:09:23 PM

Friday, November 22, 2002
Well, I'll be damned to enternal hellfire and suffering and may my eyeballs explode out of their sockets from the satanic heat. I'm blogging from Starbucks using their wireless service. It's one more reason why Starbucks is great and all the Starbucks haters will be flown to Iraq just in time for the bombings. (It was in Bush's speech last week.)

For some reason I was just reminded of one of my all time favorite comebacks. It was several years ago and I was at a bar in Seattle with several friends. There was this chick there who had to get back to Bainbridge Island before 2:00, so she said to this friend of mine, "Can you drive me to the terminal, I have to catch a ferry before 1:00." I quickly replied, "Catch a fairy? Why not get yourself a real man?"

Sometimes, I'm delicious!
posted by wil forbis 11/22/2002 10:52:15 AM

Wednesday, November 20, 2002
Personally, I don't get what this fuss is in regards to Michael Jackson holding his baby out the window. It's not like he dropped the kid. How many times have you seen some parent throw their baby up in the air and catch it? If they missed and the baby fell to the ground, the kid'd be just as fucked as Michael's kid if he fell, but no-one ever gives those people a hard time. Basically, everyone think Michael is a baby-fucker, so they get all wigged out when his baby comes anywhere near harm's way. In my day, our dads didn't worry about this crap: They shot us out of cannons, lets us sit in the open mouths of alligators and taught us to drive when we were six weeks old. Today's kids are soft.

Besides, let's review a few facts about babies:

* Babies are stupid

* All babies deserve to die

* Babies make good footballs

With that in mind, Michael doesn't seem like such a bad guy.
posted by wil forbis 11/20/2002 05:06:29 PM

Tuesday, November 19, 2002
You know I'm one of those people that's constantly wondering if I left the stove on, or locked the glass door or removed the thermonuclear device I joking left in Osama Bin Laden's basement the last time I visited him. So it's not uncommon that I will actually go out of my way to return home and check on those sorts of things. (I once drove 2 hours from Nevada back to my apartment in Sacramento to see if I'd left the screen door open. I had.)

And the funny thing is, when I arrive home and see that I didn't leave the stove on or didn't leave the window open, I'm kind of dissappointed. I'm like "Ah geeze, I just drove all the way back here. At the very least the house could be burned down or all my stuff could be stolen!"

Hey, join me in welcoming Ordinary Boy (blogged by alex kidd) to the loving family of acid logic blogs. (By the way, where the fuck is Tarryn?) I have to admit, I was, at first, reticent to add him as I wasn't sure I wanted to link to a site filled with pornography and pictures of violence. (The pictures of obscenely fat people or naked cripples were fine.) But I just kept returning to the site to read up on Alex's latent adventures with manic depression. Check it out, I think you'll dig it.

By the way, Alex, I'll will get around to linking your site of my blog and a few other places.

posted by wil forbis 11/19/2002 09:18:17 PM

Friday, November 15, 2002
Hey, if you pick up the new issue of Cool and Strange Music Magazine (web site here) you'll see that I have an article inside about Science Fiction Movie music. It's available at most Borders, Tower Music and Tower Books stores. I am a God.
posted by wil forbis 11/15/2002 02:17:47 PM

You know, after a lot of musing I find that I have serious apprehensions about the war on Iraq. But I also find myself very uncomfortable siding with the anti-war movement. For reasons I can't put into words I don't really trust its intentions.

If you read this letter to Salon and Michelle Goldberg's response, you'll find she does a pretty good job of putting it into words.
posted by wil forbis 11/15/2002 02:15:23 PM

Thursday, November 14, 2002
Man, you seen how puffy David Arquette is looking? Won't be long before Courtney comes crawling back to me.
posted by wil forbis 11/14/2002 10:47:28 PM

Wednesday, November 13, 2002
Here's part of an email my girlfriend sent me:

"...the Campbell's "mega noodle" I discovered is awesome! Beats even "double noodle" hands down."

Remember folks... the Mega Noodle. That's where it's all happening.
posted by wil forbis 11/13/2002 06:52:33 PM

Sunday, November 10, 2002
I just spent a bit of time surfing through the latest at Oliver Willis's site. Don't know of you've checked it out, but it's worth taking some time for.
posted by wil forbis 11/10/2002 11:33:38 PM

Thursday, November 07, 2002
Whatthefuck! The California tax Board says I owe them 2500$! Revolution now! (Before I have to pay taxes.)
posted by wil forbis 11/7/2002 10:47:31 PM

Wednesday, November 06, 2002
I just got the following email about a piece I wrote on Davy Jones of the Monkees.

my name is brogan and im a 14 year old girl who is madly in love with davy jones his optimistic outlook on life helped me get throught 2 years of cancer and hardships he sang to me on stage and brought me ever so much joy and just because your a square who has no compassion doesnt mean you have to be rude about the worlds greatest monkee and the worlds greatest all around man.

yours angrily

brogan

Tell me people... am I scum?
posted by wil forbis 11/6/2002 09:16:32 PM

One of the great tools for a master comedian like myself is a repertoire of funny words. "Pickles" is a funny word. Let me give you an example. First, read this standard unaltered dialogue between a man and woman:

Ted - Maybe the reason I get angry when you don't show up when you're supposed to is because I love you!

Thelma - What?!

Ted - I... ummm

Thelma - You've never said that before.

Ted - Well, you know.. it's hard for a man.

Thelma - Oh my God. I love you too, Ted!

Ted - Let's get married!

Thelma - Yes, darling yes. Make love to me here and now!

Now try the new version:

Ted - Maybe the reason I get pickles when you don't show up when you're supposed to is because I pickles you!

Thelma - pickles?!

Ted - I... pickles

Thelma - You've never pickles that before.

Ted - Well, you know.. it's hard for a pickles.

Thelma - Oh my God. I love pickles too, Ted!

Ted - Let's get pickles!

Thelma - Yes, darling yes. Make pickles to me here and pickles!

You tell me which is funnier.
posted by wil forbis 11/6/2002 06:19:31 PM

Tuesday, November 05, 2002
You better all have gone out to VOTE! Otherwise you're pretty much handing the keys to this

country to Osama Bin Laden.

As I mentioned, lots of people were shocked by my inclusion of Extreme in my top five bands

("Lots of people" = 3) I kept wanting to address this but shit always got in the way. Now

that I'm comfortably settled in with a martini and a Thai Cabana boy fanning me with a giant

peacock feather, I will try and provide more detail.

First of all, let me say that I'm aware this explanation will be lost of a sizeable amount of

my audience since most of you probably have your musical interests dictated to your sheeplike

brains from a variety of sources telling you what is hip and cool (e.g Spin, MTV, Maximum

R&R.) Presuamably you unquestioningly accept that alternative or independent music is a

Godsend and all other music should be despised unless it's some sort of world music created

by opressed brown people in which case you give it a polite nod in the interests of being

politically correct.

Anyway... I freely admit, the first Extreme album was pretty faggy - a standard offering

out of the late eighties hard rock explosion. I feel it has a few good moments, but didn't

really make the band stick out from the crowd. It was their second album, Pornographitti,

that caught my attention, as it really focused on to genres of music I love, being AC/DC/Zep

style hard rock and 70's funk. I'm a big fan of that omnipotent monstrosity called the "rock

riff" and felt Extreme really laid it down on this album. There were some terrible moments

like that awful ballad, "More Than Words," and their stupid jazz number but the rest of the

cd had some great elements: kick ass riffage, kick ass guitar playing, kick ass horn

sections, and a sense of humor - just when you thought a tune would go left, it took a sharp

right.

The third album, "III Sides to Every Story," took me a while to get used to. I guess you'd

have to classify it as a sort of offshoot of progressive-rock. It was a theme album, though

I've never been clear what the theme was and really had three different flavors. 1) Funky Van

Halen riffage pulled off Pornographitti, 2) light accoustic numbers that were fortunately a

far cry from More than Words, and 3) almost symphonic passages - piano, horn and string

sections glued together with solo guitar. What finally got me hip to this album was the sheer

variety. Your standard rock album is like eating a hamburger, maybe a small side of fries.

But III Sides had additions of Tacos, baked salmon and apple pie - it was a full fuckin'

meal!

The fourth and final album, "Waiting for the Punchline," took off in a whole new direction.

It was now the mid-nineties. Grunge was king. Extreme layered back the heavy production of

that last two albums and went for a stripped down sound. It sounds like something I'd hate -

a metal band trying to sound grunge - but it turned to be yet another great album. Extreme's

guitarist Nuno Bettencourt used a particulary tinny tone for a lot of the songs which

supported the bitter tangents of Gary Cherone's lyrics. I remember being in community

college, blasted on caffein, listening to "Waiting..." while typing out a 10 page essay.

It really gets down to what a person values in music. I can't list them all, but here's a few

of my favorite elements:

Good tone - Even a shitty song can sound good with a nice crunchy guitar sound. Even fags

like Nirvana pulled this off. And don't forget
href="http://www.forbisthemighty.com/pages/the_donnas.htm">The Donnas!


Layered parts - Most songs revolve around an obviosu riff or chord progession. I find what

keeps me coming back to the music I never tire are little sub parts that you don't notice at

first. Devo was great at this, and Extreme wasn't bad.

Interesting chords - Something different from the standard barre or power chords. The

Police are a perfect example. So (surprisingly) are Stone Temple Pilots. Even Trail of Dead

come to mind. To me, taking the time to explore these weird chord variations shows you care

about makinf intersting music aren't just playing guitar because you're some poser trying to

pick up snatch!

Interesting vocal harmonies - I never used to be a big vocal fan but over the years I've

really started to take notice of clever vox parts. The Beatles were great, but the kings are

probably the Beach Boys.

Of course all that stuff is worthless without good songs. What makes a good song is

ethereal, transient, but certainly not limited to genre or style. That's why I don't get

people who talk about songs being "guilty pleasures." Why would you feel guilty about enjoying

something? The only reason I can think of is that you're a dumb homo. When our alien

overlords come they'll send you into the penal colonies of Xarcan-II.

Anyway, that's it for me, but here's some links to stuff I've written about my 5 favorite

bands. Enjoy it now cuz' you won't get to read it on Xarcon-II.

* Look at Nina Hagen

* AC/DC vs Judas Priest


(Priest is definately in the top ten. And thanks to a reminder from Cody, so is Ween.)

* Devo's Freedom of Choice review

* Interview with Gerry from Devo

* Waiting for

the Punchline review

Damn! I've written a lot of shit!
posted by wil forbis 11/5/2002 08:21:43 PM

Monday, November 04, 2002
Man, I love Nilla Wafers!*

*Nilla Wafers is a registered trademark of Nabisco and the term and relevant imagery should not be used without permission. Nilla Wafers in no way endorses the views present on Wil Forbis "My So-Called Penis" and reserves the right to rescind any association with "My So-Called Penis" at any point in the future without prior or written notice. Nilla Wafers should not be confused with Nilla Crackers, Nilla Cookies, or Nilla video and stereo equipment. The term "Nilla" in Nilla Wafers does not imply the use of real vanilla.
posted by wil forbis 11/4/2002 02:50:42 PM

Sunday, November 03, 2002
I've got a fundemental disagreement with this article about horror films, particulary, this quote:

...when I was a budding young feminist I read a bunch of theory about how horror films function in society to punish female sexuality and power.

Horror films get a lot of flack from feminists but I've always argued that horror films are the best things to come along for women since my penis. Take a look at Halloween. Who's the main protagonist? It's Jamie Lee Curtis, a waifish young woman who overcomes her much larger male aggresor using her quick wits and intelligence. Who's the star of Nightmare on Elm Street? Well, I forget her name, but she too defeats a menacing adversiary by outthinking him. Ditto for a lot of the Jason films, Neve Campbell in Scream, Jennifer Love Hewitt in I Know What you Did Last Summer, etc. You can make some argument that it's always the provincial girl next door who defeats the killer as opposed to the slutty hos who almost certainly get killed (that's the horror movie formula.) but chicks still get a lot more respect in your average horror film than your run of the mill thriller. I've long said it goes back to the heyday of the suspense film - the mid forties when Hitchcock was making flicks like Rebecca or Suspense, all which featured female protags. Because men were at war, Hollywood had to appeal to the dottering housewives who were sitting at home playing Mah Jong while their men were defending democracy and sticking it to Uncle Fritz and the Japs.

I think my love affair with horror had a lot to do with why I respect women. It helped me see them as equals who could be just as effective fighting of crazed serial killers from another dimension as a man. It made me realize that woman should be treated with respect, with dignity, with compassion.

So you bitches better get your act together before you start dissin' horror!

|And I can't say it enough - you should check The Ring. It too features a female protagonist.
posted by wil forbis 11/3/2002 07:25:21 PM

Have I mentioned to you much I hate the people at real.com? Back in '97 or so, the Real Player and associated goodies was a pretty cool web app. And their web site had a nice feel that really pushed the whole concept of the web as a new media - you got the impression they really wanted to participate in a technology revolution as much as make some dollars. But since then, they've become the worst form of corporate scum. For one thing, whatever version Real Player I'm using sparks about 15 pop up windows asking me to register for all sorts of shit. You also might notice that Real Player tries to take over all sorts of functionality (like downloading ftp files, or playing mp3s) unless you explicitly tell it not to. And trying to find the free player on their site is a ridiculous burden, they do everything short of pickpocketing you to get you to buy the pay version. I hope everyone at the company has their genetalia devoured by fire ants.

I just linked up to Miss Jenn, one of the few blog links going to someone I've met in reality. Was that reality where we met? Or was it Cleveland? Anyway, you might get out of her post entitled "The problem with drug addiction."
posted by wil forbis 11/3/2002 03:36:39 PM

Saturday, November 02, 2002
Here's an example of why I like reading Pete Moss's blog.

"I'm not having sex with Jeff and I don't plan to. The only reason I said that was to watch Cassie go apeshit."

Hey, check out this cat I've been conversing with: An Ordinary Boy
posted by wil forbis 11/2/2002 10:58:25 AM

Friday, November 01, 2002
Hey look, Tarryn not only lists her top 5 favorite bands, she lists what my supposed response to them would be. I'll have to follow up on that one too. And don't forget Cody.

Let's start a new one: Top 5 favorite kitchen appliances!
posted by wil forbis 11/1/2002 07:17:45 PM

I saw "the Ring" last night. Maybe it was just the mood I was in but that film freaked me out! Seems to be a love it or hate it situation as I've heard a lot of people say they we're bored.

It turns out that listing Extreme on my top five bands list is the most controversial thing I've done since listing Adolph Hitler as "My Favorite American." Well, I relish controversy and will offer my feedback in a few days.
posted by wil forbis 11/1/2002 07:15:10 PM