Tuesday, March 27, 2001
Jeesus Christ, tarryn, you're making me feel guilty. I'll hop on the blog, write a sentence or two and that's it... but you write a whole goddamned essay about rock concerts, wound fucking and and breaking in to your own house...

I like that phrase, "hop on the blog." It's like when your mom would look at you and say "You're not hopped up on bloggers are you?" Blogs would make a great drug name.

I'm slowly starting to realize that Tracy Morgan's "Woodrow" skit on Saturday Night Live is of vital social importance. This is the skit where he plays this bum who ascends from the underground and convinces some famous celebrity like Britney Spears to come read his screenplay or listen to his song. What's really quite brilliant about the whole thing is how he is essentially tricking the celebrities into lampooning themselves. Basically the celebrities are saying "Ha - Ha, the idea of me actually showing some human compassion for some fuck up like Woodrow is absurd to the point of being funny!" Morgan really has a subverted genius and it's a shame he's not recognized as such. As much as I love all the SNL cast, he may be the one who can best use humor to make some profound, underscored points. He's got a kind of Bill Hicks thing going.
posted by wil forbis 3/27/2001 05:49:26 PM

Monday, March 26, 2001
Another thing I didn't get about Crouching Tiger is how these asian paeople are all great at flying around and fighting with utter precision but they still make such lousy drivers.
posted by wil forbis 3/26/2001 06:45:17 PM

Saturday, March 24, 2001
Saw "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" last night. As we left, me and the guy I went with were trying to figure out the meaning of the title. I think it basically means that life is out to get you, that there's a crouching tiger or hidden dragon around every corner.

And that's true, let me tell you. Just the other day at the office we found a dragon hiding behind one of the filing cabinets. She was hissing at us for about thirty minutes then animal control came and took her awy. THEN it turned out she'd actually had some baby dragons and they were hiding underneath my desk. Me and Randy, the main DBA, were gonna step on them but then this secretary chick comes up and is being all "No! They're just harmless and doing what's natural for them!" (One of them was eating a cd with some client files on it.) So we gathered them up in a box and put them on her desk so she could spend the rest of the day listening to them mewing. Crazy broad. I'll never get the way chicks go apeshit the minute they see a baby dragon!

Just for the record, the babies we're reunited with mom later that day, and released into the wild.

And don't even get me started on the crouching tiger we found by the espresso machine!
posted by wil forbis 3/24/2001 12:00:05 PM

You know, feminists forgive me, but I really think this "grrl" thing is getting taken overboard. Look, I was around Olympia when the whole riot grrl thing took off, I'm not clueless to the origin, but now it's like every chick movement has to use "grrl." The web movement became "web grrls" or "cyber grrls." The music scene became "rock grrls" or "activity grrls" (To quote the Joan Jett song.) Now we have stamp grrls (female stamp collectors) or ferret grrls (girls who who enjoy ferrets as pets.) When does it end?

Went to a strange blues bar tonight. It's this place called the Blue Lamp, perhaps I've mentioned it before. The bartendress has these wondeful, obviously fake breasts, and apparently the club used to be a strip bar. Now I believe it's owned by Bozz Scags.

There's a lotta blues clubs in this town - I'll never figured how bands like Poppa Roach and the Deftones came outta here. All I see are geezer blues bands doin' Z.Z. Top covers.

Man, have you heard this 'Crazy Town' shit? Music makes less and less sense as I continue to live.
posted by wil forbis 3/24/2001 12:59:05 AM

Friday, March 23, 2001
Pete: Nope, didn't get a chance to photograph that suffocated corpse. I wanted to, but before I knew it, he was gone. They grow up so fast.

the only other two dead bodies I recall seeing were in Hollywood. One of my neighbors, this 90 year old guy, died and rotted in his apartment for a couple weeks before they realized it. They carted him out, but he was mostly under a sheet. Then, right before I left Hollywood, I was walking down Sunset, when this bum stopped me and told me this guy had just killed himself on the steps of this church. I walked past the church and he was lying there with all these cops everywhere.
posted by wil forbis 3/23/2001 10:28:01 PM

Wednesday, March 21, 2001
Heyyyoooo!! I can't believe this. I actually went to the description of that Metrosexuality show Tarryn talked about and here's what I found:

METROSEXUALITY:

Rikki Beadle-Blair's new fast-moving, funky,
streetwise drama set in London's Notting Hill
which follows the lives of two gay dads, their
straight teenage son, his two gay best mates,
and their polysexual friends.

Can you believe that? It's like they based a whole tv show on just my life. I'm gonna sue! My straight son is gonna sue! His polysexual friends are gonna sue!

It's like these fuckers can't come up with their own material anymore. I gotta tell you, I'm getting tired of British television ripping off my life for their shows. Don't think I wasn't wise to that "Jeeves and Wooster" debacle!
posted by wil forbis 3/21/2001 03:54:44 PM

Tuesday, March 20, 2001
DONNAS UPDATE: After several recent listens, I'm starting to think "40s Boys in 40 Nights" is actually a pretty good song. I had hopes that "Are You Gonna Move It For Me" would be the first single, but doesn't look that way. I watched the video for "40 Boys..." on the Donnas web site (I'll let you guess the address) and it's starting to grow on me.

Oh did I forget to mention I plan to be posting these DONNA UPDATES, to just let people know what my thoughts happen to be on The Donnas at any given time, I think that's a vitally important thing for me to be doing. Eventually this should lead into a DONNAS UPDATE web video, a DONNAS UPDATE television special and finally, a DONNAS UPDATE puppet show.
posted by wil forbis 3/20/2001 09:59:22 PM

Monday, March 19, 2001
You know, it's amazing how many of the barriers that block us from physical activity are really placed there by our mind. I was at the gym today, and I have this little nautilis barbell curl I do, usually ten reps at around 70 pounds. So I sat down, did a few sets, then realized it wasn't set at 70 pounds at all... rather I had been doing reps of 10000 POUNDS!!!!

The human body really is an amazing thing.
posted by wil forbis 3/19/2001 10:13:21 PM

Sunday, March 18, 2001
A few people have raised the legitimate point that The Donnas are simply a female version of the Ramones. Kind of reminds me of Marvel Comics in the eighties and how they'd always try and spin their male superheros into sucessfull female versions. Remember She-Hulk, or Spider Woman, or Ms. Marvel or Man-Thing Woman? It never worked of course. Chicks simply aren't as cool as dudes.

Nonetheless, I may come to the believe that the Donnas actually rock harder that the Ramones. At least the Ramones of late. Which one was the dude that ran off and joined G.G. Allen for awhile? He wrote a book recently.

Ahhh... G.G. Allen... there was a rock star. Remember the female version of G.G. Allen: G.G. Allen-Woman? That never really worked out, did it?
posted by wil forbis 3/18/2001 07:57:41 PM

Pete mentions placing a paper bag over your head as a way to kill yourself. The first corpse I ever saw was this guy who did just that at the park near my High School. I got of the bus one morning and they were carting him away. He'd apparently placed the bag on his head, then handcuffed his hands to a bench to prevent himself from pulling it off.

posted by wil forbis 3/18/2001 07:47:35 PM

Saturday, March 17, 2001
Good Lord, I go away for a few days and the acid logic community goes to pieces! Well, I'm back - Pete, whatever you're decision with the blog, I understand. John, I don't hate you. Tarryn, happy birthday.

Heard just a tidbit from the Donnas album, The Donnas Turn 21, and I'm convinced that it may save rock and roll. Makes me realize that chick rock started out strong with The Runaways, then got sidetracked with all this riot grrl blabbering. But the Donnas may be just what is needed to get things back on track.

posted by wil forbis 3/17/2001 10:07:59 PM

Friday, March 16, 2001
w
posted by wil forbis 3/16/2001 06:26:12 PM

Hmmm... they just turned the lights out where I am and I can barely see the keyboard. Where am I? Well, if the lights were on I could tell you!

I appear to be in some sort of cave. I think I hear bears...

You know, Old Navy has some pretty good pants on sale for about 16 bucks. If you walk into Old Navy, you'll notice they have these robots of walking legs attached to the ceiling. Just ask a salesperson, "Where might I find the pants those gentlemen are wearing?"
posted by wil forbis 3/16/2001 06:25:28 PM

Wednesday, March 14, 2001
Okay, cocksuckers... a new issue of acid logic is up...
posted by wil forbis 3/14/2001 11:09:19 PM

Tuesday, March 13, 2001
Damn... Congratulations to John Saleeby for getting his blog listed on the blogger.com home page. The reviews have been pouring in and they're absolutely fabulous. I'm proud to step back in his moment of glory and watch him shine...

However, did you know there is no John Saleeby? It's really a pseudonym I use. Me! It's all about me! Pay attention to me!

Other pseudonyms I've used: Hunter S. Thompson, Toni Morrison, Jeff Stryker...

Also, welcome Tarryn X to the fine world of Acid Logic blogs.
posted by wil forbis 3/13/2001 11:17:39 AM

Sunday, March 11, 2001
You know, a couple of blogs back Pete Moss offered some handy tips on how to tell if you're dating a "cheater." I'd like to throw my knowledge into this pool as well.

Top 5 Hints that You're With Someone Who Is Being Unfaithful: (For men or lesbians.)

1) While you're having sex a guy comes into the room yelling "What are you doing to my wife?"


2) You're sleeping with a woman and you're trying to place why she seems so familiar. Then it hits you: SHE'S YOUR MOM!!!!

3) You go out to dinner with your woman and a friend of hers comes over and says to you, "You must be Mr. Smith!" (Hint: This only works if the chick you're dating is named "Mrs. Smith." Otherwise you're being approached by some crazy broad who calls everyone "Mr. Smith" and she's probably going to attack you.)

4) You're dating Laura Flynn Boyle.

5) You find out that... ahh, who cares if you're being unfaithful. It's been so long you'd probably sleep with Mother Mary herself.

Kids, these tips were gained from my hard earned experience with the opposite sex. Learn from my wisdom.

This really wasn't all that funny, was it?
posted by wil forbis 3/11/2001 09:43:18 PM

Saturday, March 10, 2001
Damn, Pete... hang in there.
posted by wil forbis 3/10/2001 09:13:01 PM

Thursday, March 08, 2001
HANNIBAL

An Acid Logic Film review

Hannibal, the recently released sequel to 1991's “Silence of the Lambs”
has been the subject of much revulsion from both, reviewers and
filmgoers alike, and after seeing the film this past weekend, I find it
easy to ascertain why. It is a revolting, gratuitously violent work of
filth that lowers itself to yet unseen depths of film depravity
while making insipid attempts to titillate the viewer with morbid blasts of onscreen violence. I personally was quite shocked and felt this is
was yet another example of Hollywood's obsession with degeneracy that
was so nobly decried by Senator Joe Lieberman in the recent presidential
campaign.

I won't be so crass as to describe the scenes of carnage that make
HANNIBAL the glob of filth that it is, but I would like to ask, "Why?"
What could possibly motivate the film industry to make a film like this?
What could have motivated director Ridley Scott to make a film like
this? Was he the victim of some youthful tragedy that scarred him for
life? Perhaps as a child he had to stand idly by and a lobster tank fell
over in a Chinese restaurant, releasing the creatures upon his mother
who slowly rendered meaty chucks of her flesh and skin while others stood
by aghast. Or did he accidentally pour a jar on honey upon a teenage
friend only to see him consumed by swarms of man-eating bees, who
devoured him in painfully small bites, while he screamed in agony for
what must have seemed like hours. Is this the terror that so haunted
Ridley?

Well, I checked, and the answer seems to be "no". Ridley Scott had a
fairly conventional, supportive childhood like most of us. Then what
would cause him to create such carnage? Why would he wish to inflict us
with scenes such as... well, I promised I wouldn't expose you the
readers to such gruesomeness, as I know you are a sensitive type and
would probably swoon at the ghastliness. I can only say that as I was
watching the scenes, I was over come with such horror, I felt like
plucking out my own eyes and crushing their gristly mass into chunky
globs. If that had not stopped the vileness I probably would have stuck
two straws into my bleeding facial orifices and demanded that a nearby
movie patron suck out my brains so I could be spared the unholy terror
that was on the screen before me. It was that bad. And I don't believe I
was alone in this view. As I watched a filmgoer seated next to me, a
mother with her young son, I could only imagine want was going through
her mind. Was she contemplating a way to strangle herself with the strap
of her child's backpack so that the quick shut-off of oxygen would cause
her face to swell up blue, and a flow of dark blood to vomit out of her
mouth? Was she considering killing her own child by jamming a fingernail
file up his nose and thrashing about wildly, thereby rendering her
offspring's face into an unrecognizable mass of blood and gore, all in
an effort to protect them from the horror they were witnessing onscreen?
Like you, I can only wonder.

As such, I believe you can see why I find it so offensive that people
like HANNIBAL's director, Ridley Scott, and author, Thomas Harris, are
considered celebrities in our sick culture. These men, who fill their
work with descriptions of violent carnage, are not "artists" at all,
but filth purveyors and violence pornographers. We'd all be better off
if someone rammed a car into them and 70 miles and hour, then backed up
over them, crushing their faces into a broken, brain spewing, eggshell,
with eyes, meat and brains all mixing together like a demented witches
stew. Only then can we return the classic cinema of
yesterday.

posted by wil forbis 3/8/2001 11:04:40 PM

Wednesday, March 07, 2001
If you're at all like me, you're shocked and appalled by an article the appeared in a recent People magazine. It describes a women who has written a book expousing her philosophy that women should completely give in to their husband's desires in marraiges. She says the only way she became happy was to surrender all will of her own. I can't believe people still exist who believe a women should give themselves totally to their husbands!

I mean, c'mon, women should should give in to all men... not just their husbands. It's like, "come join us in the 21 century!"
posted by wil forbis 3/7/2001 11:23:23 PM

If we agree that monkeys are funny and we agree that squirrels are funny, we have no choice but to agree that squirrel monkeys are really funny.

Or maybe I'm thinking of spider monkeys. Is there such a thing as a squirrel monkey? If there isn't, those gene splicing scientists should get started on one right away. Imagine and entire race of squirrel monkeys that we could use as our slaves. But... what if a human fell in love with a squirrel monkey?.. It would totally alter our perception of basic lifeforms.

Yeah, scratch that idea about creating squirrel monkeys. It's just asking for trouble.

Uh-oh... too late.
posted by wil forbis 3/7/2001 12:32:16 PM

Tuesday, March 06, 2001
Boy, you wanna know another funny animal for my funny animal list (see below): squirrels! They can be pretty funny. Funnier than chickens? I don't think so. But Mr. Iguana should start looking nervous.

That's an interesting sentence, "Mr. Iguana should start looking nervous." It has so many different meanings.

Why are squirrels funny but not chipmunks? It's a mystery. Remember Chip and Dale? They really were the premise for Neal Simon's The Odd Couple, weren't they?
posted by wil forbis 3/6/2001 11:27:35 PM

Monday, March 05, 2001
You are correct, Pete, there is no site where Britney Spears has sex with a goat. I guess my sarcasm sometimes loses something in the translation.

Speaking of goats, here's my list of top five funny animals:

Monkeys


Chickens


Iguanas


Pug dogs


Babies

I should tell you, it was a real quandry in regards to Chickens versus Monkeys, but you gotta admit; Monkeys can be some funny motherfuckers! Especially when they're angry.

I keep meaning to post my thoughts on Hannibal. Hopefully I'll remember tommorrow.
posted by wil forbis 3/5/2001 05:15:44 PM

Sunday, March 04, 2001
Saw a couple of crappy Iggy and the Stooges type bands last night. Whenever I see that stuff I feel like I'm at some Smithsonian exhibit for music from the seventies. It just seems so pointless, these attempts to recreate the past... Sometime I think modern culture has yet to create anything new, but I guess there's the whole ambient scene and modern rap. I guess most musical innovation does come from black people... Ultimately the Stooges were sped up rock, which was sped up blues.

Actually though, I don't believe that. I once got into an argument with this white chick in a community college class because she was arguing that American culture was an "anti-culture" e.g. it created nothing and destroyed other cultures. I said "what about country music?" It would've been a rather politically incorrect moment if not for the fact that one of the black chicks in the class vocally agreed with me. It was a sweet moment really... I think the white chick was looking for bonus points with the black kids in the class by feeding them the usual "white people are evil line" but I think they were actually turned off by her summation that their attitudes would be so predictable. Instead, they rallied to my defense and carried me out on their shoulders, arranging for me to shake hands with Richard Pryor. Toni Morrison called me "the first black community college student."

yeah, sometimes I miss community college....

On a similar subject, I went to have my car washed yesterday. A little history: I worked at a car wash for a bout five years in the mid nineties, but I never in my life had actually used one (I rarely had a car.) It was ... a discomforting experience, to say the least. Back then, I was hanging out with the white trash, the blacks, the mexicans, I was one of the boys. But yesterday, I was on the other side of the fence, an upscale honkey with his shiney new 2000 suburu, tape deck blaring a well worn copy of KISS's "Destroyer.". I knew exactly how the Car Wash employees regarded me, as I had regarded the patrons of my Car Wash the same way: with jealousy and disregard. Obviously, I like being well off financially, but I realize I miss being able to truely correspond with the lower class (which I once was) as equals. There was an honestly in relationships there, that I have to worker harder to find in my current station.

"My current station..." Geez, I sound like a Jane Austin novel.

Is this just white guilt? I don't think so, it's more middle class guilt. I tend to agree with Jim Goad that the racial divisions are merely handy tool to keep the poor at each other's throats.
posted by wil forbis 3/4/2001 02:07:54 PM

Saturday, March 03, 2001
First of all: People will hate me for saying this (the few who don't hate me already) but I actually think Stone Temple Pilots were a far better band than Pearl Jam. Course, I've always had a pretty low opinion of Pearl Jam.

Also, there's been a fairly amusing discussion going on at the acid logic guestbook (which all americans should sign.) on the subject of male/female relationships. I feel particulary enabled to comment on a remark made by main instigator, Tarryn:

"Having a desire to be unfaithful isn't a male thing - it's human nature!
It's only natural to want to check out other options... How do you know that you've got the best deal unless you research all the other offers? It's logical!"

Truthfully, I don't think this plays out. Men aren't sleeping around to find a better package, they're simply looking for a 'different' package (often for just a night or two.) Women may use philanderizing as a way to climb the ladder up to the perfect mate, with whom they plan to stay with, but I think in men there's an innate belief that there is no perefect mate, rather that "variety is the spice of life." Mind you I'm not saying all men cheat, (I, for instance, never have) but I think the desire is there. There's a common biological explanation for this being that men have the best chance of continuing their lineage by spreading their sperm amongst a wide variety of female recipticals, whereas woman stand a better chance of having one male around to protect their young. Hence, the reason so many men caught cheating will tell their women, "Hey, I was just protecting my linage baby..."

Men use cheating to travel horizontally (I will ignore the obvious pun), women use it to ascend vertically. And when women arrive at the top of the pile to find the embodiment male perfection, who's there? Why none other than little old me, enjoying a can of 211 Steel reserve malt liquor and reading a copy of the Whitman "StarStream" comic book from the 1970's.

Course, none of this explains why Laura Flynn Boyle is going out with Jack Nicholson.
posted by wil forbis 3/3/2001 01:54:45 PM