Hey, here's a solution - Pee in the shower!
posted by wil forbis 7/30/2001 11:42:24 PM

Friday, July 27, 2001
By the way, folks, since I managed to get the blogs working again, I posted some new Pete Moss material for him. He's been writing me daily and sent me a book by an old New Yorker author. Looks pretty entertaining. He also mention something about his sister trying to get him committed.

posted by wil forbis 7/27/2001 12:25:01 PM

Thursday, July 26, 2001
DIS-AMN. Don't even get me fucking started on what a clusterfuck it's been around here. Couldn't get to the server for what...? a fucking week? As such, there obviously haven't been any blogs around here. Well, I guess all this cursing and swearing isn't really entertaining in any way, so I'll chill out. But my hatred for life remains strong.

I did finally get my DSL set up. Once I started surfing, I had the same reaction I'm sure many people have had - I never knew porn could be this fast!!! Melon sized breasts that used to download with aching, snail-like speed now zoom in in milliseconds. Asian teenagers, bound and gagged, appear before my eyes as if by magic. Can my brain handle it? It's almost too much to take. Ahhh, here they come again!!!!!!!! Turn it offf! Turn off the porn!!!!

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
posted by wil forbis 7/26/2001 05:00:25 PM

are you working?
posted by wil forbis 7/26/2001 02:26:14 PM

Friday, July 20, 2001
Oh Lordy, it's been two days of hellish broken computers and out of control robots.

In the past 4 months in Sacramento, two people have told me that I looked like Peter Parker. It's rather flattering really. I always fancied that I looked like Peter Parker but no one seemed to agree. But two in people 4 months! That can't be a coincidence. And you must remember the chick who thought I looked like Clark Kent. I think you should ask yourself what superhero you look like. It's a wonderful personal growth excercise.

No, Snoopy is not a superhero.

posted by wil forbis 7/20/2001 07:23:32 PM

Wednesday, July 18, 2001
Ahhh, Jesss, the first flush of new love. It's sweet until you find out they're a drug addict, or hooked on porn, or have a midget fetish.

Course, in your case, I assume he knows you're a drug addict. Mum's the word on the midgets.

It's funny, I was talking to this friend of mine last night who's marriage is falling apart. He said he felt that he'd wasted all these years and he was so mad he wanted to hit his wife. "Don't do that." I said, "That's wrong."

You can stab her, maybe shoot her, but no hitting.

posted by wil forbis 7/18/2001 05:34:10 PM

Tuesday, July 17, 2001
Is this working?
posted by wil forbis 7/17/2001 11:08:59 PM

Monday, July 16, 2001
Hmmm, well looks like things in acid logic land are getting snappy again. I have a few more blogs of Pete's to post, for those of you dying to bath in his wisdom.

New acid logic will be going up tonight... well, tonight where I live at least.
posted by wil forbis 7/16/2001 04:43:25 PM

Friday, July 13, 2001
Hey, folks. Well, I'm going to be away from the computer this weekend, so I thought I feature a special blog - a selection from my soon to be published novel: “The Adventures of Zil Gorbis.”

******************************************

Zil arrived at the coffee shop earlier than usual, and as a result, Monique, the barrista who hid her love for Zil behind a mask of derision and disgust, raised an eyebrow. "You again?" she asked, her heartbeat quickening as she thought of Zil's wiry arms tenderly caressing her. "I thought I told you from now on we were closed during the day. We only serve coffee late at night now. Long past your bedtime."

"Gosh, that's what I thought you said too," Zil replied. “But I happened to drive past her and saw that you were open. You know I live just down the street."

"No you don't," Monique replied. "You live just down the street from the other Starbucks. The one I requested a transfer from."

"Heh, you're such a kidder," Zil said, his good-natured smile showing. "Well, I'll have a tall espress..."

"Sorry," Monique said suddenly. "I'm on break now. Phil will take your order."

A hulking, 350 pound man, Phil ambled to the counter. "What do you want, queer?" Phil asked.

Zil looked at his shoe nervously. Phil was obviously masking his homosexual attraction to Zil under a mask of derision and disgust, as did most men. "Uhhh.... I'll have a croissant," said Zil.

"Boy, I guess my mere presence causes Monique to flee, out of a very reasonable fear that she won't be able to control herself," thought Wil, I mean, Zil. "I'll have to find some way to subdue my vast charms.

**********************************

Well, that's all for now kids. But stay tuned for more from this groundbreaking novel.

posted by wil forbis 7/13/2001 03:34:24 PM

Thursday, July 12, 2001
So, I've had a lot of girls who are friends tell me, "You know, Wil, the reason you don't have chicks hanging off you is because your apartment is such a mess. Chicks like a clean dude, one who's couch isn't buried underneath a mountain of old clothes, obscure zines, and 60's pornographic videos." So I took their advice and cleaned the whole apartment the other day. Vacuumed, mopped, scrubbed. The place is spotless. And once I was done, I sat down and waited. Waited for the chicks to start showing up as my female friends said they would. Well, after an hour, nothing. I start pacing, saying to myself, "Goddammit, where are all the 'hos!" I'd see chicks walk by under my window, and I scream at them to get up here, but they'd just start running.

It looks like this "Chicks like a clean dude" line is right up there with "Girls love a sense of humor."
posted by wil forbis 7/12/2001 11:34:34 AM

Wednesday, July 11, 2001
"Then there are Seattle's lesbians. I have never understood how women who profess to love the beauty of other women end up looking like the Three Stooges."

Traci Vogel - Seattle writer who's as lefty as they come, so don't bother accusing her of being homophobic.
posted by wil forbis 7/11/2001 05:21:36 PM

Boy, you gotta love the cops with this whole Conduit thing. "We don't consider him a suspect, but, we thought we should interview him three times.", "We don't consider him a suspect but we thought we should search his apartment.", "We don't consider him a suspect, but we thought we should take those severed heads we found in his refrigerator into the lab for testing."

It's like, come out and say it already!
posted by wil forbis 7/11/2001 03:26:18 PM

Monday, July 09, 2001
Wow, for the first time today, I had a barber give me a facial shave, like the barbers of the old west. And it was kind of like that old Outer Limits episode, where the guy kills the barber's son in a car accident and then the barber tells him about how he hates him while he's shaving the guy and scares him to death. My barber was like, "Mind you, I don't fault you for killin' my boy, but these razors get mighty slippery... especially when I'm shaving near your throat." And I was like, "I think you've got me confused with someone..."
posted by wil forbis 7/9/2001 10:58:29 PM

Sunday, July 08, 2001
You know, we're always hearing about fucked up the Middle East is, and about how everyone there is some religious fanatic that cuts off the hands of thieves and rapes babies and such, but I recently discovered that there's a whole bunch of quiet, well behaved countries in the Middle East that no one ever talks about. Like, you ever heard of Turkmenistan? Or how 'bout, Kazakhstan. Or you know who deserves a serious shout out? My homeboys in Uzbekistan. And lets not forget the good folks in Oman.

So seriously, just cuz Iran, Iraq and all those fucks don't know how to play well with others, we shouldn't let them ruin our perception of the region. There's plenty of countries that aren't about to release biological germ warfare into the subways of New York, and they deserve much love.
posted by wil forbis 7/8/2001 03:00:39 PM

Saturday, July 07, 2001
Hey, got some new blogging from Pete Moss. I'm trying to work out a system where he sends me blogs via postal, and I scan them in at Kinkos. This is the first batch.

Saw "Baby Boy" last night. It was all right, but I found the ending somewhat disingenuous. It seems like Tyrese and the other dude "solve" the Snoop problem, and then it's happily ever after. No mention of Snoop's homies wanting payback. Besides, you can't "solve" Snoop, any fo' knows that. He's unstoppable. Don't hate the playa... hate the game!
posted by wil forbis 7/7/2001 01:02:49 PM

Friday, July 06, 2001
I think you'll agree with me folks, that the missing persons case involving Chandra Levy, the young woman who interned for California Representative Gary Conduit, is rife with tragedy. There's the tragedy of someone potentially cut down in the prime of their life. Or the tragedy of a powerful man using his political ties to stymie the pursuit of justice. But I'm sure you'll agree that the biggest tragedy is the fact that a young, hot chick like Chandra would get romantically involved with a fossil like Gary Conduit while I still can't get one of them to even look at me?

What is it with chicks and old dudes? Bill and Monica? Woody and Soon-Yi? Anna Nichole and... the old guy that died.. I mean, look, I'm hip to the allure of power and everything, but if Janet Reno said she could make me a kept man if I just tended her garden once a week, I'd still jump the next train to "Get The Hell Out of Here!"

Course, the up side is that maybe I'll snag one of these chicks when I'm 63. After all, you always see these ads in the Personals section "Young tart seeks older gentlemen of comfortable means to be my daddy etc..." I'll probably never be of "comfortable means" but maybe if I got three of my pals together we could split the cost. Like a timeshare.
posted by wil forbis 7/6/2001 05:28:32 PM

Thursday, July 05, 2001
Hey folks, if I can get a little serious here, I'd like to offer the following warning. If you're in the market for some sort of penis extension device, STAY AWAY from the Girth-Pump 4000 that's being offered at the site big-penis.net. I was foolishly enough to give it a try and all I can say is that I'm blocking payment on my second and third installments of 19.95$. The results were disastrous and I'm glad I discontinued the program when I did, or else I really could've embarrassed myself.
posted by wil forbis 7/5/2001 05:53:11 PM

You ever really listened to the lyrics in Elton John's "Your Song"?

"My gift is my song and,

This one's for you..."

I'm starting to realize that sounds like just a really lame way of getting out of giving gifts.
It's like, "Hey, congratulations on graduating! Even though all the other kids are getting new cars, I really think you'll like this folk tune for guitar and flute." Or, "Happy twentieth anniversary honey! Look what I got you... it's in G minor."

So... anyone seen "Crazy/Beautiful" yet? That might be on my plate for the weekend.
posted by wil forbis 7/5/2001 11:57:53 AM

Big news everybody. You must be the first on your block to listen to the newest Acid Radio episode featuring the exciting radio serial entitled "The Man With No Penis." Click here!
posted by wil forbis 7/5/2001 12:40:52 AM

Lord, it's fucking hot here. And to make matters worse, my air conditioner is stuck on "heat" mode, so when I turn it on, it simply pumps even more hot air into the house. I can quite honestly say that I wouldn't be surprised to find out that the apartment got over 110 degrees yesterday. Course, I can quite honestly say I wouldn't be surprised to find out that JFK was killed by a clone of Marilyn Monroe that then morphed into one of the kids from "Laugh In."

Whenever I think about how hot it is, I'm reminded of this TV ad that used to play in Hawaii. I will recount the gist of it below, but you must supply the pidgin' accents.

Local Guy #1: Man, it's hot.

Local Guy #2: (enters) Eh, howzit going?

Local Guy #1: Man, it's hot. Eh, how come you stay so cool?

Local Guy #2: What, me? I just come in from my car.

Local Guy #1: Your car get air conditioning or what?

Local Guy #2: Blah, blah, blah, etc...

Yep, folks, that was pretty much the soundtrack of my life while growing up.
posted by wil forbis 7/5/2001 12:38:40 AM

Tuesday, July 03, 2001
Christ... it's quiet as a tomb around here. Pete hasn't blogged for weeks, Tarryn for days, and Saleeby just threw a fit today saying he was off blog for a week. At least Jesss is hanging in there.

You might think I'm being metaphorical, saying it's "quiet as tomb in here" as if to imply we're all sitting around in some office space doing blogs, but actually I'm not. Basically, everyone comes into the acid logic offices, does a bit of blogging, answers fan mail and discuss future acid logic products, then collects their 80k salary every two weeks.

But now it's just me a Jess sitting alone, eyeing the last Snickers bar in the snack machine.
posted by wil forbis 7/3/2001 05:23:37 PM

Monday, July 02, 2001
I’ve reached that point in my life where I find myself attending a lot more funerals than weddings. Course, I happen to belong to the gay mafia, so I guess it’s to be expected.
posted by wil forbis 7/2/2001 10:59:23 PM

Sunday, July 01, 2001
I was recently reviewing the web logs for acid logic, and was somewhat amused to notice I'd gotten several hits from Yahoo for the phrase "gigantic cocks". I'm flattered, of course, though somewhat curious how this information made its way into Yahoo. Nonetheless, I would like to say to any users whom arrive at acid logic by way of a keyword search on that phrase, "Welcome... you are safe among us!" (Though not necessarily safe from my gigan... oh forget it.)
posted by wil forbis 7/1/2001 11:51:30 PM

I haven't mentioned Garth, the acid logic monkey, lately and concerned citizens have written in asking about his welfare. Edith M. of Pitula, Alaska wrote to say "I was delighted by the brief mention of your monkey, Garth, in the acid logic blogger. I would like to learn more about such a monkey. I, myself, raise chickens and moths, but have always fancied the opportunity to be a monkey breeder. Is it as much trouble as I've heard?"

Well, in response, Edith, Garth pretty much takes care of himself. I keep him on a diet of kibbles and bananas and it gives him enough strength to shriek and hurl vases at me, so I think he's doing fine.

I just got back from an interesting show. There's a guy in town who used to be a stunt driver in Hollywood, and now he crashes cars into to each other for spectators once a year. This time 'round he drove a car into a van, leapt over some cars, and drove a motorcycle through a flaming fence.
posted by wil forbis 7/1/2001 10:16:10 PM