Anyway, tomorrow.... tomorrow, I'll tell you my story about lesbians. I swear. They weren't hysterical, just a little tipsy.

posted by wil forbis 4/30/2002 05:10:43 PM

Monday, April 29, 2002
Fu-huck - sorry I've been gone so long. Something happened with the acid logic site and I was unable to overwrite files til now. I suppose I've lost whatever limited fan base I had - you've probably all moved on to the next flash-in-the-pan wiseacre. Boy, I pour my heart and soul out for you people, but a few technical glitches and your gone! Is that all I mean to you people?

Anyway, I did do a few posts below that won't appear til now - I was done writing them when I realized they weren't actually posting. To follow up on the story below, I did go down to the movie set and did meet William H Macy (By "meet," I mean we shook hands and then he forgot I ever existed 3.6 seconds after I left his view.) Alec Baldwain was floating around too.

That's it for now - soon I'll tell you how on Saturday night I ended up trying on hats with several lesbians.

Hmmm... that's not a bad angle - end each post with a teaser of the next blog. Something like "I turned the corner only to catch glimpse of a large knife flying towards me!!!!"
posted by wil forbis 4/29/2002 12:38:12 PM

Wednesday, April 24, 2002
I had an interesting realization recently about my humor. Despite my constant misogyny, I think women respond better to my style of comedy. Ultimately, my humor is based on the absurdity of the universe - the concept that no matter how hard we try, we will never really understand or have control over why things happen - and chicks are more able to surrender to belief. See, guys see laughter as a sign of weakness, and therefore are less prone to acknowledge something being funny. Chicks have no problem here, because they realize that they are inherently weak. (Hah! Sorry gals, I couldn't resist.)

Clearly, I'm a fag.

posted by wil forbis 4/24/2002 07:06:21 PM

Tuesday, April 23, 2002
I've got this opportunity tomorrow to visit a movie set for a film starring William Macy and Alec Baldwin. I'm thinking the best way to handle it is when they introduce me to Baldwin (which they surely will) I say, "Alec, good to meet you. I've been looking forward to working with you on a project for some time."

Then during the shooting I could always interupt by saying, "No, no, Alec, that's not how it should go at all. Can you give it more anger, man? Make it believable. Watch me do it and I'll give you some pointers...,"

Yep, that's what I'll do. I don't want to blow what could be my big break.
posted by wil forbis 4/23/2002 06:13:44 PM

Monday, April 22, 2002
So old Layne Staley finally kicked the bucket. Went to the great grunge jam in the sky. Visted the mosh pit six feet under. Died.

I'll tell you why it's a shame. Less than one week ago I was driving in my car thinking I needed a new batch of "driving music" (e.g. loud heavy metal or hardcore rap) and I said, "you know, I should pick up some Alice in Chains." I lived in Seattle for most of their careers so I was quite familiar with their music - I'd just never owned any.

Well, I can hardly do that now. The minute I walked up to the counter with my cd, the shopmistress would probably say something like. "Oh are you buying this because he died. It's so sad!"

"Uh, no," I'd say. "I just..."

"It's such a terrible blow for all of us. You must be devestated."

"Well, not really.... I mean, I..."

"Ohmigod, do you remember when Kurt Cobain died? I just cried for days and days. It was terrible. He was the voice for our generation don't you think?"

"Not really, I thought he was kind of a stupid dor..."

"First, Kurt and then the Hole bass player and now Layne. Who could've seen it coming. Doesn't it feel like your entire world is going mad sometimes?"

"Well, not until this particular moment..."

I do have one Alice in Chains story. I once washed the drummers car when I worked at the Elephant car Wash in Seattle. Not a big tipper if I recall.

That's it - that's my story. Plus, I used to know his drug dealer.
posted by wil forbis 4/22/2002 07:10:51 PM

Sunday, April 21, 2002
I gotta admit, I'm starting get pissed off at all these people snidely referring to Colin Powell's mission in the mid east as a failure. It's like, "Gee, you couldn't convince two groups of people who've been killing each other for four thousand years to stop? What's wrong with you? We gave you a whole two weeks!"

I'm seriously getting into H.P. Lovecraft. I just reread Call of Cthulu (sic - you'll get a kick out of that, Cody) and it's fucking great. I've got an annotated version that helps explain all the fruity obscure references Luvy was always making. Look for an acid logic profile of my man, H.P soon!
posted by wil forbis 4/21/2002 08:27:23 PM

Friday, April 19, 2002
I was at the gym yesterday and I picked up a copy of Redbook. I've always laughingly denigrated this magazine with the sort of snide egotism America has grown to love, but this particular copy had an article about "5 Ways to Drive You Man Crazy is Bed" that kind of caught my eye. (Cause my boyfriend it getting sooo bored!) So I was perusing the magazine and I gotta tell you, it wasn't anything like what I suspected. I mean it's filled with these dirty jokes and frighteningly frank talk about sex (There was a "small" article staing that penis size does matter - but it's width, not height!) Somehow in the past ten years the riot grrl movement has taken over what I always assumed to be a bastion of middle aged wives yacking about diet pills and meatloaf recipes.

But it gets worse. Not only does Redbook encourage women not to be subserviant and take control their lives, it talks openly about a female revolution currently being planned for 2005. That's right guys, while you think your woman is trying to study up on felatio she's actually using this magazine to coordinate efforts with her sisters to overthrow the patriarchy. They're coming for us! We must defend outselves! Good Lord, I think I hear them at the door now! Argh!

.....

Hey, guys, it's Will again. Hope you didn't take me seriously about that whole female-revolution bit. You know I like to kid around. Nope, chicks are basically docile and bird-brained just like we like 'em. THere's really nothing of interest for you in Redbook - stick with Playboy and Popular mechanics. Don't bother with Redbook.

posted by wil forbis 4/19/2002 10:20:43 AM

Thursday, April 18, 2002
You know, nothing unites people across races like abject poverty. I've been noticing how bums, as a group, tend to be a pretty pro-diversity. Whenever I see a group of bums sitting around, spare changin' or drinking NightTrain from a paper sack, I notice that there tend to be people of all races within their gathering. Mexican bums, Black bums, white bums... all working together to promote the cause of bumdom. Clearly, I've discovered the cure to America's racial ills - if we all became homeless panhandlers, we could put aside our differences and delight in our similarities.

Hmmm... there really could be something to that.
posted by wil forbis 4/18/2002 04:37:59 PM

Wednesday, April 17, 2002
Here's a great Salon Headline: Vatican Calls for Major Policy Changes.

Yep, it's official. Stop fucking ten year old boys!
posted by wil forbis 4/17/2002 12:38:35 PM

Monday, April 15, 2002
Ever notice when you start typing a lot of stuff you mispell words in funny ways or actually replace words you mean to use with similar sounding words with different meanings. For instance, I just meant to type, "I'm already on my way." but instead I typed "I'm always on my way." The "always" just slipped in there. Or I meant to type, "That is a problem, too." and instead wrote, "That is a problem toe." It's weird how the mind works.

Or check this out. Just recently I meant to write, "I'll be a little late for the lunch meaning," but instead put, "KIll KIll, I will DRINK YOUR BLOOD FOR SATAN... YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE MINE TO RAISE IN MY UNHOLY ARMY OF THE DAMNED YOU DOOMED FOOLS!!! DIE!!!!"

Ain't that the craziest?
posted by wil forbis 4/15/2002 06:02:19 PM

Sunday, April 14, 2002
Can anyone confirm this? I just got an email that says "Exploited teens make the wildest videos." Is this true? I mean, it seems reasonable, but I wanted to check with you guys.

Ugh... I just had two zombies. Maybe I won't think that's so funny tomorrow.
posted by wil forbis 4/14/2002 08:32:10 PM

Saturday, April 13, 2002
You know, it just ocurred to me... both Willie Nelson and George Carlin started out as straight suit and tie dudes and then revamped themselves as long hair freaks.

Kind of makes you think about life... and art... and what it means to be an American...
posted by wil forbis 4/13/2002 10:28:55 PM

I've been reading a few more articles by that Damien Cave guy who wrote the Salon article I linked to below. He seems like the only writer there who's standing up for the power of man-culture - you know, smashing things and fondling women. God bless 'em.

Sure there's Horowitz but he's a little too intellectual to really represent man-culture. Plus he gets kind of babbly at times. Probably the next best Salon exponent of man-culture would be Camile Paglia.

posted by wil forbis 4/13/2002 12:21:08 PM

Friday, April 12, 2002
You know, I'll probably pay for bringing up Elton John yet again, but here goes. I was watching Elton on Carson Daily's retarded new show recently, and I thought, "When did he get so gay?" (Elton, not Carson. Carson is a different sort of gay.) I mean, I know Elton has been gay the whole time, but when did he turn into such a preening, giggling girl of a man who titters every time someone mentions the word "queen?" When did he become Robin Williams in "The Birdcage?"

I never really been clear where that sort of gay behavior came from. I remember, years ago, watching Sally Jesse or Jenny Jones or something, and this guy who'd decided to come out on the show exclaimed, "Do you think I want to talk like this?" (Meaning, in that high, effeminate falsetto.) That was the first time it ever ocurred to me that the mannerisms we generally consider gay might not be willfull choices of their participants, but rather biological mandates by the same combination of genes that encourages one to be attracted to their sex. I'd always assumed that it was gay culture that promoted this behavior, in rebellion of society's macho rules. And truthfully, I know plenty of gay people who don't exhibit those traits, in fact the actively reject them. Even Elton was semi-straight for years. And I've known straight guys who appeared gay. What makes people "act gay?" Culture or biology?

posted by wil forbis 4/12/2002 08:46:33 PM

Thursday, April 11, 2002
Holy fuck - this single article makes up for all the usual drek Salon forces on us.
posted by wil forbis 4/11/2002 10:38:44 PM

First of all, I just posted a new blog for Pete Moss. It's a good one which will surely piss many people off. It kind of pisses me off.

So I was down in LA recently, partly to see my old friends in Trail of Dead play at a theatre called the El Rey. I know that some readers of this blog are TOD fans so I thought I'd discuss the night.

Basically, Robert (another old chum) and I showed up at the theatre around 7:00 or so and Conrad, Jason and the boys arrived soon after. We briefly talked before their sound check and then they had to do some interview for MTV2. If you see the interview, if you look very closely in the chrome of the bass drum that's behind them by about 20 feet, you'll probably see my warped reflection. Several people have already some up to me on the street and said they recognized me, and I had one supermodel sleep with me after I told her about it. Anyway, then Conrad, R-man and I ate at this barbque joint built into the theatre. Then we went up to the secret band room where the rock stars and jealous friends of rock stars hang out. It was filled with free drugs and willing groupies.

Well, actually, it wasn't which was kind of dissappointing. There was a piece of garlic and some Red Bull, with a side of vodka. We kind of just hung out, then went into VIP lounge to watch the show. Frankly, it didn't seem very VIPpy - they were letting any old scum up there. I saw a supermodel and told her I'd been hanging out with the band and we immediately had sex.

You know, the funny thing is - I'm really not that into supermodels. I tend to think they're too skinny. I mean, don't get me wrong - If I had a few beers in me and Kate Moss was hanging off me like a cheap feather boa, sure, I'd probably poke her. But afterwards, when she asked me my name (Supermodels always wait til after you've had sex to get your name) I'd probably say, "Uh, yeah, I'm John Saleeby" and give her a number like 555-67775. And she'd be like, "Waitasec, phone numbers can't start with 555" and I'd be like, "Sure, we're in L.A. baby - all the number in the movies start with 555." and she'd be like, "Oh, right -let's have sex again."

Yeah, that's pretty much what would happen. But like I was saying, I'm not really into supermodels.
posted by wil forbis 4/11/2002 08:13:14 PM

Wednesday, April 10, 2002
So there's a new soundtrack out to the film "The Scorpian King" containing music either written for or inspired by the film. I imagine a movie like that can be pretty inspiring; a muse for the modern age if you will. I can see the guys from Creed or Nickleback watching a scene where the Rock slices off a guy's head and think, "Wow, that gives me a great idea for some meaningful lyrics." Or they might watch a scene where the Rock crushes a man's chest with his bare hands and think, "Gee, the sound of that man's ribs breaking would make a great drumbeat." Or they might be enjoying the visage of the Rock poking and man's eye out with a spear and think...

Well, you get the picture.
posted by wil forbis 4/10/2002 07:59:42 PM

Tuesday, April 09, 2002
Wow, this is one of the sleaziest operations I've ever seen on the web... and thus I love it! Criminalfiles.info claims to be a searchable database of sex offenders, child molestors and rapists. For a "searching fee" you can see if your neighbor, teacher or local mechanic is a deviant sicko who needs to immediately be dealt with Charles Bronson style.

It's actually not a bad site design though. (Dig their spineless excuse for showing a dead rape victim on the front page. Scum is at its most amusing when it pretends to be righteous.)
posted by wil forbis 4/9/2002 05:41:03 PM

Monday, April 08, 2002
So NBC has done a bit of revamping to their TNBC saturday morning schedule. One of the new programs is "SK8" - a shameless attempt to tie in the skateboarding craze of the past 30 years with NBC's delightful style of teen soap opera. I caught it this Saturday and was thrilled by it youthful creativity. Just as TNBC really milks the street talk with their City Guys show - SK8 has all the dude-isms and SK* jargon of a thousand preening Tony Hawks.

I will miss "One World" which was TNBC's attempt at combining the fad of racial tolerence with a teen sit-com.

Speaking of, have yo ever seen the Museum of TOlerance in L.A.? God, I CAN'T STAND THAT PLACE!!!
posted by wil forbis 4/8/2002 12:47:46 PM

Wednesday, April 03, 2002
Hmmm... I really don't have anything amusing to say today. ("Do you ever?" comes the reply from the Peanut Gallery.)

You might enjoy this collection of EC Horror Comic book covers.
posted by wil forbis 4/3/2002 08:20:36 PM

Tuesday, April 02, 2002
Hey - my new music column is up at diskant. Check it, yo.
posted by wil forbis 4/2/2002 05:46:51 PM

Monday, April 01, 2002
Holy Satan - Many of you may have thought I'd given up on my Salon-Watch: the ongoing series in this blog where I crudely evaluated the women who appeared in the Salon Personal section for their physical appearence. (Course, it was an attempt to prove that Salon was featuring an unsually high percentage of attractive chicks, so you feminists oughtta be thanking me.) Well, I draw your attention to the little photo on the side of this page, because for the first time in all recorded history, Salon is featuring an ugly chick. My efforts have paid off. Equality now reins across the land.

Hey, she even likes Don Ho.... hmmmmmm.
posted by wil forbis 4/1/2002 10:37:03 AM

HEY - Those who think young, think Pepsi!
posted by wil forbis 4/1/2002 09:36:22 AM