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The Ten Best Articles of 2003

By Wil Forbis
March 16th, 2004

Author’s Note: I have to admit that this article, the third insert in an annual “Top Ten” list is noticeably late. I can offer no excuse than to point once again to my recurring battle with absinthe addiction. But as we all know, ADDICTION IS NO EXCUSE!!!

Silently, I donned my velvet, hooded robe and ascended the steps to the inner chamber of the Acid Logic ceremonial alter of worship. I passed the life-sized image of the god, Zar-Nazzz, a reptilian demon that all Acid Logic contributors must swear their souls to before their material may grace the pages of this fine web magazine. (Read your contract, guys.) I walked towards the throne in the middle of the stone edifice and sat down. Then I signaled to one of the many Tahitian boy servants I keep about to bash the Acid Logic dong of  goom… I mean, gong of doom.

After its resounding bellow rang throughout the halls I eagerly watched as a dozen robed figures entered the room. Collected before me were the Acid Logic contributors of the past year whose verbal gymnastics had allowed them to be nominated for a “Top Ten” award. Though all were silent, I could tell their hearts were filled with anticipation of this most holy of awards.

Once they had lined before me, I spoke. “Do you have the sacrifice for great Zar-Nazzz?”

The one known as “Saleeby” answered. “I’ve got some choice stuff for ol’ Zar-Nazzzy. It’s my most prized possession -  a talking Ann Coulter doll.”

“You have done well,” I replied. “Next!”

Cody Wayne stepped forth. “Dude, I think Zar-Nazzz is really going to appreciate this life sized poster of Greg Palast!”

“Your bounty is appreciated,” I nodded sagely. “And you, whom they call ‘Sandra Kay.’”

“Forbis, get out of that stupid bathrobe and tell us who-“

“Guards! Remove this woman! And do not allow her to look at my eyes. NOT AT MY EYES!” Several hulking figures stepped forth from the shadows and carried Sandra Kay to the local Greyhound bus terminal.

Tom Waters stepped forth. “I’ve got a whole bunch of goodies here. An X-Box, Two cases of bourbon and a yearlong subscription to ‘Stuff’ magazine.” He then added, “Hey, I would never use the word ‘goodies.’”

And on and on. Each of the nominees stepped forth and placed their gift in the pile growing before the statue of Zar-Nazzz.

“You have done well,” I praised. “You tokens will be placed into the confines of my apartment quarters where Zar-Nazzz will be able to retrieve them at his convenience. I shall now relay to you the recipients of the Top Ten Acid Logic Articles of 2003!!!!”

10. Not All Lovable Fat Funny Guys Die Young – John Saleeby
Ahhh, look - John Saleeby being sensitive. After old timey comedian Buddy Hackett died John penned this stirring tribute to him and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house.


9. Interesting Motherfuckers: Penelope Spheeris – Wil Forbis
There’s no doubt that the Interesting Motherfuckers collection of Acid Logic skews male. After all, most of the writers of this mag belong to the tribe of the three-legged people, and as such we tend to revere icons of our gender. But I was proud to add Ms. Spheeris, director of the “Decline of Western Civilization” movies (No, it’s not a series of PBS documentaries narrated by Noam Chomsky.), to our pages. And being that her films were so important to my teen years, it was easy to bring a natural enthusiasm to the piece.

8. I Want Candy – Sandra Kay
Sandra delivered a number of pieces of the course of 2003, but the one that stood out most appeared in our Halloween issue and was a sugary reminiscence about the candies of yesteryear. Along the way she deflated the “Pop Rocks” urban legend and condemned the environmentally unfriendly candy of Japan.

7. Roach in the Walls – Chris Kassel
Chris grabbed top place honors with his “Side Effects” submission in 2002. He was in fine fictional form with “Roach in the Walls” a story about a man cursed with the ability to control the future.

6. Warren Bolster, Master of Surf Photography – Deborah Hall
Hot on the heels of the skate documentary, “Doggtown and Z-Boys,” Deborah offered up an interview with sport photographer Warren Bolster, and man inexorably tied with the twin passions of surfing and skating.

5. Interesting Motherfuckers: Bill Hicks – Cody Wayne
Deceased comedian Bill Hicks was a perfect candidate for Interesting Motherfuckerhood. He was an underground philosopher whose fringe rants planted seeds that have earned him the status of a modern day cult hero. Cody Wayne, no stranger to fringe rants, gave Hicks his due.

4. Are You Really an American? A New Yorker Living in Canada – Alex Kidd
I’ve long been impressed with Alex’s very comfortable writing style, much of which can be found at his blog. This piece, chronicling his interactions with our neighbors up north is both funny and iconoclastic, offering a sober assessment of the North American relations for countrymen and foreigners alike.

3. Food Stamp Feuds – Tom Waters
The guests of "Jerry Springer" and like minded shows perfected the crazed scream long before Howard Dean took his shot. Tom lampoons the modern afternoon talk shows, breaking segments into to distinct categories like “The Miracle Makeover“ and “Lesbian-Circus Dwarf-Gila Monster Love Triangle And Other Sexual Freaks Of Nature.”

2. Apocalypse, 80’s Style – Wil Forbis
Remember midway into 2003 when everyone was freaking out about the North Korean nuclear threat? It struck me as asinine that we were worried about a nation with two or three nuclear weapons after having lived through the 80’s, a decade when thousands of nukes were pointed at every state in the nation. The result of those ten years of fear was a slew of Hollywood films that contemplated the possibility of atomic destruction. I broke down the top ten in this retrospective of radioactive cinema, including such favorites as “War Games” and “The Day After.”

1. Ain’t No Frenchmen Ever Called Me ‘Numb Nuts’ – John Saleeby
One of the fallouts of the war with Iraq was increased bitterness with the nation of fondue eating frogs from across the Atlantic. Less nuanced Acid Logic readers might’ve expected John Saleeby to be front and center, fanning the flames of French-bashing. Instead he veered in the opposite direction, authoring the hilarious defense of Pierre (and to a lesser degree, the Arabs) that includes a bonus feature: The Saleeby Plan For Peace In The Middle East. (Hey, it can’t be any less effective than the roadmaps of every American president in the last 50 years.)



Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email -

Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.

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