Ain't No Frenchman Ever Called Me 'Numb Nuts'
By John Saleeby
September 1, 2003
Two years after Arab Terrorists attacked the World Trade Center Americans are sitting around talking about how much they hate . . . the French? Two years after the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor were Americans sitting around talking about the Bolivians? No, they weren't sitting around talking about anybody - They were to busy working and fighting like Hell to save the world. That's the difference between people then and people now. People then - Kick Ass Mofos. People now - Kiss Ass Homos.
Speaking as an Angry White Male, how much of this Angry White Male stuff can we get away with before we start to feel as silly as we already sound? Whining about women? No problem. Gays? It's the national pastime. Blacks? Don't use the "N" word and you're in the clear. Jews? Stand up for Israel and you can get away with anything. But the French? All those Mexicans sneaking across the border to make those people on "The Jerry Springer Show" look like Model Citizens and you've got your prostate wound up like the rubber band in a balsa wood model airplane over the French?
Exactly how much of this "French Bashing" is actual "Bashing"? How many Fox News viewers have actually approached a Frenchman on the street, punched him in the nose, kicked him in the stomach, and smashed his head into the pavement until his skull cracked open and a delicious desert of strawberry sorbet with a chocolate sauce spilled forth? Not many, I bet. After all, there's always the chance that once you have punched that Frenchman in the nose he might punch you in the nose right back, kick you in the stomach, and then you might be getting your head smashed into the pavement until . . . Well, there's nothing in there to spill forth, if your head was ever smashed against the pavement it would shatter like ancient Iraqi pottery.
Psychological pioneer Sigmund Freud - Who wasn't French so you'll probably eat his crap with a Dresden spoon - had a theory called "Transference" which held that everything you do is a substitute for what you'd really like to do but don't because you suck. This may explain why we are all fussing about the French while we are at war with the Arab World.
You want to see how much these people really care about the French? Put President Bush on TV and have him announce that, because of all the millions of Americans sitting around talking about how much they hate the French, he is declaring all out war on France, drafting all Americans between the ages of sixteen and twenty one, and calling for a fifteen percent sales tax to pay for the war effort. Then all we'll hear is "A war with the French? Why are we having a war with the French? What the hell did the French ever do? Huh? Wha? Huh?"
French Jokes are strictly Amateur Night - Oh, They don't bathe, the women don't shave their armpits, the men kiss each other, they've lost a lot of wars, they worship Jerry Lewis - Not even the guys who were in Gym Class with me in Junior High School had so much ammunition for cheap, easy jokes. But Muslim jokes? Arab jokes? Americans might have to actually learn something about Muslims and Arabs if they're ever going to be able to knock out the kind of ad lib one-liners they can about the French. What? Americans? Learn? Have you been in one of our public schools lately? Another problem with nutty wacky kooky Arab humor - We've just finished killing thousands of Arab women and children. How funny is that? When some doofus makes a quick French "snail eater" joke he doesn't have the factual knowledge of piles of dead French children rotting in the sun to mess with his timing. Well, maybe a German does, but Germans don't have any sense of humor and I think now we know why.
So what if the French wouldn't help us invade Iraq? I'll tell you something about the French - When Napoleon got it into his head to invade Egypt did he go running all over the world like a little bitch trying to get every country in the world to help him? Nope, he just up and done it! And then he had his artillery shoot the Sphinx's face off just for the hell of it. KAPOW! KAPING! KAPONG! Now, THAT'S a White Man! If we had the kinda balls to do that kinda thing the Arabs wouldn't mess with anybody in the west for another one hundred and fifty years. Shucks.
The really funny part is this thing about the French being so horrible but the English being just DUCKY. Says who? The only advantage the English have over the French is that they speak the same language that we do. But when are they ever going to say anything worth listening to? Do you have any idea how long it's been since Monty Python and the Sex Pistols? After "Monty Python have announced that they have broken up" and "The Sex Pistols have announced that they have fuckin' broken up" all Americans have heard from the English is how stupid we are. Oh wait, how stupid we are and some stuff about a band called Radial Tread and some rip off of "Day Of The Dead" called "Twenty Eight Days Of The Dead Later". Otherwise, it's "Stupid Americans this", "Stupid Americans that", "Stupid Americans walk the dog", and "Stupid Americans feed the cat".
I think the French have it all over the English. Why would anybody go to London when you can go to Paris? London is about as sexy as Cincinnati - Why pay all that money to fly across the Atlantic for that? You could go down thirty miles east of Long Island and it would be more picturesque.
Even stranger than liking the English more than the French is hating the French more than the Germans. What's so bad about the Germans? Apparently I am the only person in America left who remembers what's so bad about the Germans because if everybody else did we'd all be over there killing every one of the bastards right now. Unless you're all over there killing every one of them right now as a surprise birthday present to me.
"Oh! All the Germans are dead! For ME!?! I love you guys!!"
The Great Disappointment Of My Life is that I never got to go to Europe and kill Germans when I grew up. That's what I always thought I was going to do when I grew up as a little kid - Go to Europe and kill Germans! Wasn't that what practically every American had done in the past - Go to Europe and kill Germans? Shit yeah! And it looked fun - Damn fun. Hey, Steven Spielberg! Take the first ten minutes of "Saving Private Ryan" and shove it up your ass! The Normandy Invasion was a BLAST! Yeah yeah yeah, a lot of Americans got killed, why you gotta be a bummer? For every American who got killed at Normandy one hundred goddam no good piece of shit son of a bitch bastid Germans got killed! It was HI-LAAAR-I-OUS!!! What the hell does a guy who doesn't have the balls to take pleasure in killing Germans get off making a movie about the Normandy Invasion? Screw him! I'm not going to see his Holocaust movie until they release Jerry Lewis' Holocaust movie. Yeah, Jerry Lewis made a Holocaust movie and the fact that you stupid Americans never heard of it is further evidence of The Evil "Everybody Hate The French But Forget About How We Should Kill All The Germans" Conspiracy. Mon Dieu! Yeah, that's what France means to me - The Place Where Americans Go To Kill Germans! Why go to England and Italy to ride around in double decker buses and gondolas when you can go to France and kill Germans? I wouldn't go to Italy if they had double decker gondolas!
But nobody wants to go to France and kill Germans anymore - Noooo! All anybody wants to do nowadays is go to the Middle East and kill Arabs - Where's the sport in that? That's like shooting fish in a barrel. A barrel with no water in it. A barrel full of sand. A barrel full of sand and dead fish because there's no water in it, just sand. Even that is more fun than killing Arabs. Poor Arabs! Imagine South Americans without cocaine, that crazy rhythm, and coochie coochie coochie sexuality. If Arabs were a movie they'd be "Dickie Roberts - Former Child Star"!
Yeah, here's The Saleeby Plan For Peace In The Middle East - Kill all the Germans, turn their big empty country over to the Israelis, and leave all those poor Arabs the hell alone! They never bothered nobody, why are they being punished for the friggin' Holocaust while millions of Germans are walking around getting away with that Lovable Jolly Beer Drinking Scorpions Fan act? They ain't foolin' nobody!!
Now . . . See how ugly things get once you start talking about all the people you hate? Life isn't about Hate, Life is all about LOVE!!! (Saleeby puts on "Imagine" by John Lennon, lights up a joint, and cuts his nuts off with a pair of pruning shears) See, I don't really hate the Germans - I was only trying to teach you all a little lesson. And that lesson is . . . Say, there's an old rerun of "Three's Company" on right now and - I never really noticed this before - that Joyce DeWitt really had one nice little ass! See, we were all "Tit Men" back in the seventies so when that show first came on we were all crazy about Suzanne Somers. But now twenty-five years later America is all about Ass! Ass! Ass! and Joyce DeWitt is DeShit! Hhhmmm, I wonder if digging Janet as much as Chrissie makes this show any funnier? Lemmee turn the sound up here . . .
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer than he was when you met him earlier.
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