By Sandra Kay
Done.I am done, done, done. No more Iraq war talk,
no talks about fairness, or how few of the Enron guys have gone to jail.
Nope. I was inspired last night to write about something of great importance.
Candy. I love candy, always have. I used to save my allowance and go
to the Circle K on Saturday afternoon and stare in awe at the cornucopia
of choices that I could spend my $2.00 on. Sometimes I forget how much
I love candy, and then my friend V comes over and insists we buy some
candy and "snacks" for our video watching. V weighs probably close to
300 lbs., and is absolutely shameless when it comes to "snacks". We go
to the supermarket and I realize that there are things out there I didn't
even know they made anymore. Things like Twinkies and Ding Dongs, and
those really tasty Hostess pies. So, I present my homage to the ultimate
of all things that you put in your mouth: candy.
I never really liked Abba Zabbas, except for the packaging. The yellow
and black checkered wrapper looks like it has something to do with drag
racing. Or maybe it's made from the bald guy in Cheap Trick's checkered
suit. The thing about Abba Zabbas though, is that they are guaranteed
to pull your fillings out.
(not to be confused with Milk Duds.)
Whoppers are pretty tasty, but they have that powdered milk thing going
on in the middle. Whoever thought of powdered milk? And why in the hell
did I actually drink it when I was a kid? You'd have to be pretty poor
nowadays to drink powdered milk. Anyways, Whoppers are also good because
you can get them in a giant milk carton at Costco for like $5.00.
Ah yes, the staple of fine theatre dining. I wonder about the person who
thought of that name. Did his wife suggest that name Milk Duds to him,
or did it just come to him in a dream? Milk Duds have that yummy caramel
center. Yes, potential dental work, but the perfect size to launch at
the asshole in the movie theatre who forgot to turn his cell phone off.
Skittles are gay candy. If I see a guy eating Skittles, he's either gay,
or his girlfriend bought them because she's on a low-fat diet and there's
nothing else to eat. Enough said.
Never understood this candy. It's on wax paper and doesn't taste like
anything. It's a retro thing, and you only buy it at fairs or amusement
parks, and the kids never want them. The parents want their kids to understand
"nostalgia". All the kids want is a Reese's and to get back in line to
ride Python. Actually, the parents aren't even old enough to remember
Dots anymore, it's more like great-grandparents now. It's all a conspiracy
that Norman Rockwell started that life was better back when there were
whole stores dedicated to candy.
The Big Daddy of urban legends: Pop Rocks could kill you if you drank
them with soda and then jumped up and down. It's how Rodney Allen Ripey
died. Rodney was the black kid, I'm sorry, the African American kid,
who became the spokesman for Jack in the Box back in the day when there
were no African American kids on TV. Sort of like Mikey, "He likes it,
hey Mikey!" But instead, it was like "Hey look, there's a cute black
kid on TV eating a Jack in the Box hamburger!" Anyways, he died by a
lethal dose of pop rocks and soda. That was how the ORIGINAL urban legend
went. Now, they've changed it to Mikey. Lethal candy, not good.
Home Made Candy
The WORST! I've never had homemade candy that was any good. Every year
some goody-two-shoes decides that it's too expensive to go out and buy
the neighbors and co-workers Christmas presents and all of a sudden she
thinks she's Martha Stewart. Don't do it! I've never had home-made fudge
that tasted any better than a Hershey bar, so just spring for the cash,
give me $5.00 in a Christmas card, and I'll go to Rite Aid and buy some
Another nostalgic food that you only get at amusement parks, fairs, or
when your on vacation. You convince yourself it's pretty good, but you'd
really rather have some chocolate. Good food to throw in your purse though,
the melting temperature is pretty high on taffy. Also good to have while
you're pissed off and standing in line at the DMV.
Great when you get it for Christmas, but really now, when else do you
eat it? There's a mall that has a See's Candy all year not too far from
my house, and I know I can always scam some free chocolate if I go in
there. It's good chocolate too, but the ladies in hair nets always look
at me funny like, "Well, aren't you going to buy something?" What, like
a 3 pound peanut butter filled Easter egg?
The main thing I don't like about See's is that
they don't label the chocolate so you never know what your getting. And
YOU, whoever bites off half the chocolate, figures out it's not the one
they wanted and sticks it back in the box. Yeah YOU, knock it the fuck
off. That's just gross.
Whitman's is the poor man's See's. It's for your REALLY cheap gifts.
The candy is okay though, and at least they label them.
No, it's not the title of a porno movie, it's a candy. Fun Dip was fun
for about 2 licks, (Like so much porn - Ed. Wil) which is about
how long the candy lasted. It has that powdered sugar stick that you
can eat if you're really hard up. So you lick the stick and fill it with
saliva that then captures the powdered flavored sugar with spit. Sounds
nasty, and it is. They should have called them "Spit Sticks."
I've always liked lollipops. They're kind of flirtatious in the right
hands. And even a guy can look macho if he clenches it with his teeth.
He just can't lick it in public like a girl without risking getting beaten
up buy a bunch of homophobic guys. So be careful with your lollies.
I was actually in a store with my 9-year old niece recently and they have
bastardized the lollipop by having a motorized version that twirls the
lollipop for you. Damn lazy kids.
A stroke of genius from the Hershey company. A pint size piece of chocolate
that you can eat yourself or throw to a friend. Just don't leave them
in your jeans and forget about them.
Striking an amazing resemblance to a turd, Baby Ruths are quite tasty
if you like nuts. And who can forget Bill Murry clearing out a pool in
Caddyshack with a Baby Ruth!
Great name. I'm the only person I know that actually eats these things,
and you see them everywhere, so somebody must be eating them. Who they
are is right up there with the mystery of how Arby's has managed to stay
I don't think they make these anymore, but I really liked them. Nothing
like pure flavored sugar pouring into your veins. The only drag about
Pixie Sticks is they came in this cardboard straw like container, and
they used really thin paper. So, you'd pour your Pixie Stick in your
mouth, and at some point you'd get spit on it and it would stick together.
I guess you had to have experienced it. So, you'd have to keep ripping
the straw down to get the sugar out. Because your spit would stick the
straw together. Never mind.
Kyoto treaty or not, the Japanese are a wasteful lot, which is apparent
in their candy. The Japanese package everything in cute little containers
that have some weird alien like creatures that are strangely appealing.
I actually buy some Japanese candy from a store up the street and it's
just like individually wrapped Lifesavers. Big waste of packaging, but
it looks good, and it makes you think each and every piece of candy is
very, very special. I'm sure it's good to appreciate every little piece
of candy instead of blindly popping them into your mouth, but from an
environmental point of view, shame on you Japan. Shame, shame, shame.
Lame substitute for real candy. I know I'm going to take a lot of heat
for that one, but come on people. Tell me you wouldn't rather have chocolate.
Jawbreakers were just a bad idea. I always think I'm going to breath
in wrong and suck it down the my windpipe and die an unflattering death.
Some girl in Florida just had a jawbreaker blow up in her face - no kidding
- thus affirming that this is a huge conspiracy to get rid of kids. Lethal
candy, stay away from it.
Do they really make you smart? Because they don't taste very good.
The Big Kahuna - Halloween.
This is when all the weird candy comes out that never shows up at any
other time of the year. Candy corn, which doubles as vampire teeth.
What's up with that? And wax soda bottles filled with some sort of ejaculate
that you don't even want to know about. Halloween has now officially
been ruined by some asshole who tried to kill his kid with candy, or so
the story goes. Now, you have to have your candy x-rayed to make sure
somebody didn't stick a razor blade in your apple. I never got an apple
for a Halloween treat, and I don't know anybody else who ever did. I
also never knew anybody that was in any way harmed by Halloween candy.
When I have kids I'm going to have them live a little and let them go
trick-or-treating, and no trips to the x-ray machine on the way home.
Bad Mom, bad, bad reckless Mom. Life is full of danger. I say live life
on the edge.
Well that's about it. I know, I left out a bunch,
Snickers, M&M's, which just came with graffiti colors because I think
they ran out of ideas.
Who can make a sunrise? Sprinkle it with dew?
Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two. The Candy Man, the Candy
Man can because he mixes it with love and makes the world taste good.