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Interpreting The Bible Part III

By Kurt Kitasaki
August 16th, 2002

After our last two installments, (I and II) I've received many complaints addressing the ideas I presented. One individual asked me who my God was so he could "mock him." I informed him that I belonged to asect thatworshipped a head of lettuce named "Ralph." (Before you make judgments on my sanity, take note: The sect doesn’t worship the actual lettuce, but the mere essence of the lettuce.) I told him he could try, but my religion was unmockable.I then added thatI couldn't engage in any mean-spirited exchangeswith him since I'm still coping with the fact that someone broke into my place the other week and used Ralph as a soccer ball. (Although, the autopsy revealedhe was placed in a salad shooter. Now there's nothing for me to do, unless I can find some croutons and some ranch dressing.)

But that was the mildest of the complaints. The one that frightened me the most was the correspondences from the Vatican warning me to close this canon, or face the threat of the inquisition. (They did however enjoy what I said about Martin Luther.) So based on this threat, this installment may be the final episode on interpreting the sacred scriptures:

The Real Reason Cain Slew Able

They shared bunk beds. One night Able was just snoring way too loud.

Moses And The Burning Bush

What the hell would God be doing in a bush!?!? I think Moses was out in that hot dessert sun too long.

Samson Knocks Down The Philistine Temple

The incident where Samson knocks down the two pillars in the Philistine temple is one of the incredible mysteries of the Bible. How could he have had the strength to accomplish such a task? Did it come naturally? At the risk of sounding stereotypical, I never met a Jewish person that could dead lift more than 150 lbs.

The Philistines were known for throwing pretty outrageous parties. This particular one was no exception. During the event, illegal narcotics flowed freely. Somehow Samson must’ve ingested some PCP, which gave him the strength to knockdown the pillars killing everyone within.

After this tragedy the Philistines no longer threw their parties in large buildings, they instead held them in large tents with exit areas clearly marked. They also took precautions such as instituting two drink minimums and a 2:00am curfews. The organizers of the event were charged with involuntary manslaughter and had to go to public schools, lecturing kids about the dangers of illegal narcotics.

Did Jesus Have A Sense of Humor?

Many of history’s most effective speakers used humor. He was also Jewish, so it came naturally to him.

One of his early pranks was to walk on water and then convince Peter to do the same. When he pulled the nearly drowned Peter out of the water, he was spitting out salt water cursing his name. Jesus replied, “Peter oh ye of little humor.”

He saved his best zinger for right before he died. When the smart alec who tried to give him sour wine angrily asked why he didn’t drink he quipped, “The wine’s not Korbel.”

Did The Bible Have Advertising Space?

The Bible is the best selling book ever, easily outselling all of Oprah’s book of the month club entrants combined. So the publisher had to make money to offset the cost of Mr. Guttenberg’s effort.

The first set of Bibles had one advertisement. It was on the page introducing the New Testament and stated:


“Come to Noah’s cured bacon house!”

“In business since 1 A.D.”

Christianity would have died out if it weren’t for the pork manufacturers who funded the campaigns of Saint Paul and the Emperor Constantine. They paid for Paul’s lodging on his trip to Damascus. They also created a mythical story on how Constantine was converted during the battle of Milvian Bridge. They claimed he saw two burning pork chops aligned in a cross above the sky with the inscription, “By this meat you will conquer by.” The term “pork barrel politics” came from these tactics.


Everyone wonders when this final battle between good and evil will occur. Some scholars believe it will never happen. For the disappointed who already made hotel reservations there should be some description of what this battle would look like.

But where would it take place? I think the most competitive area in our culture is professional athletics. Therefore the best place to host this would be on a baseball field. I considered having this on a soccer field since it’s the most popular sport in the world, however I feared the occurrence of a riot. (I have to keep this in good taste.)

So, here’s the call from the bottom of the ninth:

Ladies and gentleman it’s been a hard fought game. We have one out to go with the bases loaded and two outs. The count is full on King David.

Facing him on the mound is the notorious Whore of Babylon. She has a wicked slider if you know what I mean. This isn’t quite what the feminists expected when they demanded equality in sports.

David steps in the batter’s box. In the last inning his pitching provided miraculous results when he knocked the power hitter Goliath out of the game with a 98 MPH fastball from his sling.

Should he make contact he faces some formidable opposition. In the outfield we have the Pharaoh and his two Generals roaming on their chariots.

At first the Emperor Nero is playing his fiddle. During the seventh inning he played a rendition of, “Take me out to the Ballgame,” which coincidentally made the fire-sprinklers go off.

At second King Herod nervously paces, he just had two of his assistants killed thinking they were trying to steal his position. The word’s out that he’s still trying to kill Jesus. He ordered stadium security guards to kill every man in the stadium 33 years and older. This guy is definitely two candles short of a menorah.

At third we have the traitorous Judas who decided to join the forces of evil after they offered him a signing bonus of thirty silver pieces. And who was the manipulative weasel who brokered the deal? None other than the shortstop Jeezebell who’s filing her spikes.

It’s a motley crew facing David who needs to drive in just one of his teammates. On first we have the young prospect Isaac who scored on a sacrifice fly by his father Abraham in the eighth inning. The remaining runs in that inning were scored by the Sicarii rebels of Masada on brilliant suicide squeeze plays conceived by the manager Solomon, along with the base coaches, the Three Wisemen.

Presently they are using all their cognitive powers to figure out what to do with the catcher Martin Luther who’s lying on his back five yards away from the batters box. He ate too many stadium hot dogs and became stuck at home plate. Unable to make it back to the dugout they had to roll him away to begin the inning.

On second the hot-tempered Peter takes a lead. He’s spiked several opponents today with his sharp cleats. Jesus being the good sportsmen that he is ran from the dugout and healed them all. Sadly all he received from these opponents were insults - several spat chewing tobacco at him.

Solomon gives a signal to Saul of Tarsus who represents the winning run on third. Saul is one fine prospect but he’s having problems working with his Christian teammates. He almost came to blows with Peter last inning, arguing whether it’s sacrilegious to eat pork rinds in the dugout.

The whole stadium is nervous, fidgeting with anticipation. All except Lot’s wife who ignored God’s order not to watch and was turned into a pillar of salt. Vendors are using her to season the peanuts.

The Whore of Babylon winds up, here’s the pitch! A breaking ball. David swings, barely making contact, it’s a shallow pop-up to center. The Pharaoh and his cohorts converge; it looks like the final out.

Wait! From the dugout Moses raises his arms. The turf begins to split down centerfield. He’s parted the green sea of grass, carrying the Pharaoh and his crew back to the edges. The ball lands untouched. Not bad for someone who talks to a bush!

It’s an easy jog home for Saul. Hold on. A serpent has just appeared in the base path. It’s Satan. He bites Saul in the leg sending him to the ground.

Unfortunately God can’t intervene since he used his one-pass when he turned Lot’s wife into salt. What a shame! (Damn good peanuts though.)

The Pharaoh and his men have recovered their headed towards the ball. But again it’s Moses to the rescue! Upon lifting his arms the stadium sprinklers arise, flooding the outfield. The Egyptians are slipping and sliding.

Jesus runs out of the dugout to heal Saul’s bite. But before he reaches him the catcher Caiaphas throws off his mask accusing Jesus of blasphemy for not following league regulations by wearing sandals instead of cleats.

The umpire Pontious Pilate agrees. Jesus is condemned to the locker room. All will be lost if Saul can’t be healed. Who’s that running from the dugout!?! It’s the Gospel writer Luke who is also a physician. Only one problem. He’s on his cell-phone trying to obtain permission from his HMO. They ask him the rational for the treatment. Luke explains, “To heal a life threatening bite, and save humanity from plunging into eternal darkness!” The insurer states, “I need a more valid reason!”

Luke is going ballistic! He swears out the man, telling him what he can do with his denial, and treats Saul anyways! The crowd is cheering wildly! Even members of the opposing side are on their feet applauding! (They may be evil, but everyone needs health coverage.)

Luke disinfects the wound and patches Saul up. Luke then runs over to Martin Luther giving him CPR. Luther’s having serious problems with his cardiovascular system. Being an anti-Semite he refused to eat the Hebrew National hot dogs, instead opting for the higher in fat regular ones, which clogged his arteries.

Saul can now trot home with the winning run. Wait, Satan’s not finished yet! He’s lost his venom but now relies on his more powerful manipulative skills. He tempts Saul like he did with Jesus. He offers him the whole world; he then plays on his anti-Christian animosities. Motioning to the hotheaded Peter who’s trotting past third base he says, “Here’s your chance to give it to him. Run past Peter you’ll cause the third out!”

He starts walking towards the protesting Peter. Peter is screaming at him to go forward to no avail.

It’ doesn’t look good! Hold on, Jesus from the locker room appears as a bright light over home plate. But what can he do to persuade Saul who’s already been offered revenge and dominion over the world by Satan.

He says, “Saul! I know why you’ve been bitter your whole life. It’s because you have the name Saul! If I had that name I’d be angry to and take my frustrations out on a minority religious sect!” Jesus makes an offer, “If you follow down my base path I can give you a Christian name like Paul.” Saul is ecstatic! On the “Road to Home Plate” he changes his name to Paul and runs forward, stepping on Satan’s face in the process. To top it off Moses throws his staff out, turning it into a snake, swallowing up Satan.

In the outfield the mud-splattered Pharaoh, has risen, picking up the ball he hurls it straight for Caiaphas. Paul dives! It’s going to be close!

And......he’s safe! Game Over! The Judeo-Christians have won the pennant!!! The Judeo-Christians.....

Who’s that running onto the field!?! It’s the scorekeeper Josephus, the traitor who collaborated with the Romans during the Jewish Wars, and then wrote a history favoring his Roman masters which was notorious for omitting key facts. Waving the scorecard he claims Isaac was actually called out on strikes this inning, making it the third out! That negates the run by Paul!

Isaac, Peter, and David are furious. Kicking dirt on the historian. Paul would be angry also, but he still hasn’t recovered from the euphoria of no longer having the name Saul.

Pilate looks at the scorecard, and goes by what’s on the manipulated paper. There’s three outs, the score is still 13-13. We’re going to extra innings! And the game goes on!

(Note I wasn't going to put in this last paragraph, but the Vatican just contacted me stating if I could throw inacouplemore zingers on Martin Luther I wouldn't have to close the canon. See you for the next installment.)

Kurt Kitasaki has previously been published in The Starry Night Review, Digizine, and will soon be published in EWG Presents, and 3AM Magazine. Email -