By Kurt Kitasaki
The biggest enigma in the
history of literature are the personalities and events in the Judeo-Christian
bible. No other work has had more ambiguous interpretations made of
it over the centuries. Archaeological findings have not proved very
The only profound evidence
that has ever been found that could've clarified these passages are
the Dead Sea Scrolls. Unfortunately these treasures may not yield relevant
information since, many have been damaged beyond recognition. Ironically
most of them weren't damaged from natural causes like decay and weathering,
but instead through human error.
In fact the most significant
scroll was destroyed through human error. This scroll contained the
answer to the meaning of life, along with a cure for cancer, and aids.
Sadly they left it unguarded in a museum, and before they had the chance
to decipher it, some redneck walked in and mistook it for a roll of
Thanks to people like our
southern friend there is little evidence to corroborate the passages
in the Bible, we therefore must rely on our subjective interpretations.
Listed below are my own scholarly interpretations of the most controversial
people and events in the sacred scriptures:
Isaac And Abraham
The Bible says God ordered
Abraham to kill his son Isaac to demonstrate his loyalty, but then sent
an angel to stop him. Obviously God would never do such a cruel thing.
What happened is that Abraham's wife divorced him, so he tried to kill
Isaac because he didn't want to make child support payments. Someone
from the Middle-East Child Services agency ran over and stopped him.
He was dressed in white, and witnesses said he ran so fast he sprouted
wings. They described him as an angel.
Abraham avoided jail time
by pleading insanity, claiming God told him to do it. This story has
stuck ever since.
The Wisdom of Solomon
Solomon was considered the
wisest King in the history of Israel. According to the Bible he had
over 700 wives. That means he married 700 times. And this person was
known for his wisdom!?!
Can you imagine how much
money he would've lost if just half of these wives divorced him? That's
why archaeologists can't locate King Solomon's Mines. It doesn't exist.
His wives took all the treasure in the divorce settlements.
Jesus Drives Out The
The only time Jesus resorted
to violence was the incident in the temple with the money changers.
This man was whipped, spat on, and crucified, but never became violent.
What happened with these money changers that made him so angry?
In the temple he wanted
to withdraw some money. Since he didn't have an account with this bank
they charged him an additional three dollar fee along with the standard
three dollars they charged for withdrawals.
He said, "Wait a minute,
are you saying your charging me an additional three dollars on top of
the regular charge because I'm withdrawing money from a bank that's
not my own!?! That's double dipping!!!"
He then overturned the tables
and threw them out of the temple, despite their offer of a free bagel
toaster if he opened an account with them.
The Ethnicity of Jesus
For most of Western history
Jesus has been believed to have been white. Recently many African-Americans
are insisting he was black. I'd have to conclude that he was indeed
black. That's why he was executed. If he was white they would've just
given him probation.
Although some may claim
that he was a Palestinian since he was born in that region. They say
when he was a kid he use to throw rocks at the occupying Roman army.
He was upset at them because they bulldozed a settlement of houses that
his father Joseph built, who was a carpenter.
The Ethnicity of Moses
Moses was definitely black.
If you spend 40 years wandering through a desert you have to be black!
Some say that he was also a woman because that would explain why it
took him 40 years to reach Israel. He probably kept stopping and asking
The Ethnicity of St.
St. Paul was on the road
to Damascus and then saw a vision of Jesus, which converted him. St.
Paul must've been hispanic because to this day we always hear stories
about hispanics seeing the face of Jesus in different objects.
St. Paul's original name
was supposed to be Saul. What most people don't know is that the first
letter of his name was off by one letter before. The biblical scribes
mistakenly put an S instead of an R. His real name was Raul.
Martin Luther's Grievances
With The Church
Obviously, Martin Luther
isn't in the bible, but his impact on Christianity was so profound he
can't be ignored. Luther's conflict with the Catholic church caused
many Christians to break away and form the Protestant Sect.
Scholars insist Luther's
disagreement with the church centered on their corrupt practices like
selling indulgences to sinners. However by looking at portraits of this
person I conclude he had a different disagreement.
This guy had a serious weight
problem. I think he broke with the church over the ritual of serving
those thin wafers during mass. He instead wanted them to serve a sirloin
steak with grilled mushrooms.
The 95 theses he nailed
to the church walls was a menu of 95 alternate food items he wanted
served, all high in cholesterol. The reason why they called his trial
"The Diet of Worms" was because the Catholic Bishops suggested he go
on a diet of eating worms to control his weight problem.