By Kurt Kitasaki
The biggest enigma in the history of literature are the personalities and events in the Judeo-Christian bible. No other work has had more ambiguous interpretations made of it over the centuries. Archaeological findings have not proved very helpful.
The only profound evidence that has ever been found that could've clarified these passages are the Dead Sea Scrolls. Unfortunately these treasures may not yield relevant information since, many have been damaged beyond recognition. Ironically most of them weren't damaged from natural causes like decay and weathering, but instead through human error.
In fact the most significant scroll was destroyed through human error. This scroll contained the answer to the meaning of life, along with a cure for cancer, and aids. Sadly they left it unguarded in a museum, and before they had the chance to decipher it, some redneck walked in and mistook it for a roll of toilet paper.
Thanks to people like our southern friend there is little evidence to corroborate the passages in the Bible, we therefore must rely on our subjective interpretations. Listed below are my own scholarly interpretations of the most controversial people and events in the sacred scriptures:
Isaac And Abraham
The Bible says God ordered Abraham to kill his son Isaac to demonstrate his loyalty, but then sent an angel to stop him. Obviously God would never do such a cruel thing. What happened is that Abraham's wife divorced him, so he tried to kill Isaac because he didn't want to make child support payments. Someone from the Middle-East Child Services agency ran over and stopped him. He was dressed in white, and witnesses said he ran so fast he sprouted wings. They described him as an angel.
Abraham avoided jail time by pleading insanity, claiming God told him to do it. This story has stuck ever since.
The Wisdom of Solomon
Solomon was considered the wisest King in the history of Israel. According to the Bible he had over 700 wives. That means he married 700 times. And this person was known for his wisdom!?!
Can you imagine how much money he would've lost if just half of these wives divorced him? That's why archaeologists can't locate King Solomon's Mines. It doesn't exist. His wives took all the treasure in the divorce settlements.
Jesus Drives Out The Money Changers
The only time Jesus resorted to violence was the incident in the temple with the money changers. This man was whipped, spat on, and crucified, but never became violent. What happened with these money changers that made him so angry?
In the temple he wanted to withdraw some money. Since he didn't have an account with this bank they charged him an additional three dollar fee along with the standard three dollars they charged for withdrawals.
He said, "Wait a minute, are you saying your charging me an additional three dollars on top of the regular charge because I'm withdrawing money from a bank that's not my own!?! That's double dipping!!!"
He then overturned the tables and threw them out of the temple, despite their offer of a free bagel toaster if he opened an account with them.
The Ethnicity of Jesus
For most of Western history Jesus has been believed to have been white. Recently many African-Americans are insisting he was black. I'd have to conclude that he was indeed black. That's why he was executed. If he was white they would've just given him probation.
Although some may claim that he was a Palestinian since he was born in that region. They say when he was a kid he use to throw rocks at the occupying Roman army. He was upset at them because they bulldozed a settlement of houses that his father Joseph built, who was a carpenter.
The Ethnicity of Moses
Moses was definitely black. If you spend 40 years wandering through a desert you have to be black! Some say that he was also a woman because that would explain why it took him 40 years to reach Israel. He probably kept stopping and asking for directions.
The Ethnicity of St. Paul
St. Paul was on the road to Damascus and then saw a vision of Jesus, which converted him. St. Paul must've been hispanic because to this day we always hear stories about hispanics seeing the face of Jesus in different objects.
St. Paul's original name was supposed to be Saul. What most people don't know is that the first letter of his name was off by one letter before. The biblical scribes mistakenly put an S instead of an R. His real name was Raul.
Martin Luther's Grievances With The Church
Obviously, Martin Luther isn't in the bible, but his impact on Christianity was so profound he can't be ignored. Luther's conflict with the Catholic church caused many Christians to break away and form the Protestant Sect.
Scholars insist Luther's disagreement with the church centered on their corrupt practices like selling indulgences to sinners. However by looking at portraits of this person I conclude he had a different disagreement.
This guy had a serious weight problem. I think he broke with the church over the ritual of serving those thin wafers during mass. He instead wanted them to serve a sirloin steak with grilled mushrooms.
The 95 theses he nailed to the church walls was a menu of 95 alternate food items he wanted served, all high in cholesterol. The reason why they called his trial "The Diet of Worms" was because the Catholic Bishops suggested he go on a diet of eating worms to control his weight problem.
Kurt Kitasaki has previously been published in The Starry Night Review, Digizine, and will soon be published in EWG Presents, and 3AM Magazine. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org