By Kurt Kitasaki
June 16th, 2002
In our first
installment we answered many questions regarding the Bible.
However the mysteries of this text are so confounding that for every
question we answered ten more arose. (Or in the case of the priests
who called me, ten more abusive complaints and threats of eternal damnation.)
With that in mind we will
once again delve into our scholarly interpretations of the sacred scriptures:
The Destruction of Sodom
Before God destroyed Sodom
& Gomorrah he and Abraham negotiated its fate. First, God said if
he could find 50 righteous people he would spare the cities. God eventually
promised to spare the cities if Abraham could find ten. He couldn’t
and the cities were destroyed.
The mystery remains, why
did Abraham stop negotiating at ten. Why didn’t he try to negotiate
it down to nine or even one righteous person? He had two reasons, the
first was that he just remembered his mother-in-law still lived in Sodom,
and second he recently reviewed the insurance policy on his house, which
stated that destruction by acts of God were covered.
Moses Turns His Staff
Into A Serpent
Ever wonder why Moses had
that two-foot long beard? Well, when he confronted the Pharaoh he threw
his staff down, distracted him and his advisers by saying there was
a comet in the sky. When they turned their heads, he kicked his staff
away, pulled out a snake from his beard, and threw it on the floor.
This story is widely held
by the Hassidic Jews who wear beards in that tradition.
How Did David Defeat Goliath?
Goliath had a bad back.
Jesus Turns Wine Into
If you ever drank a bottle
of wine produced in the Middle East, I think you could understand how
someone can confuse it with water. That region isn’t going to be mistaken
for Bordeaux, or Napa Valley.
The Last Supper
The Bible says the Apostles
abandoned Jesus after the last supper. However, it wasn’t because of
fear. According to records from the local caterer there was an inordinate
amount of wine flowing during that supper in comparison to the thin
loaves of bread that was suppose to absorb the alcohol. (This was their
last supper together they drank as much as possible.)
So, they were all too hung
over to help when the authorities came to arrest Jesus. In fact, Jesus
told Peter, "Before the rooster crows, you’ll pass out on me three
Judas was the apostle who
drank the most wine. He never meant to betray Jesus. He was so drunk
that night he saw the longhaired Jesus in a pristine white robe, and
mistook him for the girl at the local tavern, and kissed him.
Judas was later ex-communicated
due to the clergy’s strict rules against gays. He was given a severance
package of thirty silver pieces, but never recovered from the dismissal
and hung himself.
The Three Wise Men?
Were they really that wise?
They traveled in the pitch dark in the poorest, crime-ridden, section
of Bethlehem with a case full of treasure. Then they gave it all to
some poor Jewish baby.
If they knew anything about
social mobility they would’ve given those gifts to the Roman prince
who was born around the same time in the four star hotel just two blocks
down the road.
A Black Wise Man?
Many scholars believe one
of the wise men was black. However, they claim he was given the position
through affirmative action, since several candidates scored higher on
the aptitude test. Actually he was given the position for two reasons,
one because he was black, and two because the rest of the candidates,
unlike him, were afraid to travel in that region at night.
Did Mary and Joseph Have
They in fact did have health
coverage through an HMO. During the birth of Jesus, the organization
wouldn’t pay for their stay in a hospital and made them go to a barn.
Because they wanted to save money they would not pay for any lighting
in the dark hut and they were told to rely on the illumination from
the bright star that was hovering above them. All the gold and silver
the three wise men brought had to be used to make the co-pay.
The Roman Soldier Who
Guarded The Tomb Of Jesus
The Roman soldier who guarded
the tomb of Jesus has to go down as one of the most incompetent security
guards in history. How anyone could lose track of a well built, dead,
Jewish male with long hair, cloaked in white staggers the imagination.
To add insult to injury there was a giant block of stone blocking the
entrance to the tomb.
The unlucky man couldn’t
stand the taunts from his fellow soldiers. He resigned and migrated
to Europe. Several of his descendants eventually traveled across the
Atlantic. In fact his direct descendant is currently in charge of monitoring
the metal detector at Logan Airport in the city of Boston.