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Interpreting The Bible Part II

By Kurt Kitasaki
June 16th, 2002

In our first installment we answered many questions regarding the Bible.  However the mysteries of this text are so confounding that for every question we answered ten more arose. (Or in the case of the priests who called me, ten more abusive complaints and threats of eternal damnation.) 

With that in mind we will once again delve into our scholarly interpretations of the sacred scriptures:

The Destruction of Sodom & Gomorrah

Before God destroyed Sodom & Gomorrah he and Abraham negotiated its fate. First, God said if he could find 50 righteous people he would spare the cities. God eventually promised to spare the cities if Abraham could find ten. He couldn’t and the cities were destroyed.

The mystery remains, why did Abraham stop negotiating at ten. Why didn’t he try to negotiate it down to nine or even one righteous person? He had two reasons, the first was that he just remembered his mother-in-law still lived in Sodom, and second he recently reviewed the insurance policy on his house, which stated that destruction by acts of God were covered.

Moses Turns His Staff Into A Serpent

Ever wonder why Moses had that two-foot long beard? Well, when he confronted the Pharaoh he threw his staff down, distracted him and his advisers by saying there was a comet in the sky. When they turned their heads, he kicked his staff away, pulled out a snake from his beard, and threw it on the floor.

This story is widely held by the Hassidic Jews who wear beards in that tradition.

How Did David Defeat Goliath?

Goliath had a bad back.

Jesus Turns Wine Into Water

If you ever drank a bottle of wine produced in the Middle East, I think you could understand how someone can confuse it with water. That region isn’t going to be mistaken for Bordeaux, or Napa Valley.

The Last Supper

The Bible says the Apostles abandoned Jesus after the last supper. However, it wasn’t because of fear. According to records from the local caterer there was an inordinate amount of wine flowing during that supper in comparison to the thin loaves of bread that was suppose to absorb the alcohol. (This was their last supper together they drank as much as possible.)

So, they were all too hung over to help when the authorities came to arrest Jesus. In fact, Jesus told Peter, "Before the rooster crows, you’ll pass out on me three times."

Judas was the apostle who drank the most wine. He never meant to betray Jesus. He was so drunk that night he saw the longhaired Jesus in a pristine white robe, and mistook him for the girl at the local tavern, and kissed him.

Judas was later ex-communicated due to the clergy’s strict rules against gays. He was given a severance package of thirty silver pieces, but never recovered from the dismissal and hung himself.

The Three Wise Men?

Were they really that wise? They traveled in the pitch dark in the poorest, crime-ridden, section of Bethlehem with a case full of treasure. Then they gave it all to some poor Jewish baby.

If they knew anything about social mobility they would’ve given those gifts to the Roman prince who was born around the same time in the four star hotel just two blocks down the road.

A Black Wise Man?

Many scholars believe one of the wise men was black. However, they claim he was given the position through affirmative action, since several candidates scored higher on the aptitude test. Actually he was given the position for two reasons, one because he was black, and two because the rest of the candidates, unlike him, were afraid to travel in that region at night.

Did Mary and Joseph Have Health Insurance?

They in fact did have health coverage through an HMO. During the birth of Jesus, the organization wouldn’t pay for their stay in a hospital and made them go to a barn. Because they wanted to save money they would not pay for any lighting in the dark hut and they were told to rely on the illumination from the bright star that was hovering above them. All the gold and silver the three wise men brought had to be used to make the co-pay.

The Roman Soldier Who Guarded The Tomb Of Jesus

The Roman soldier who guarded the tomb of Jesus has to go down as one of the most incompetent security guards in history. How anyone could lose track of a well built, dead, Jewish male with long hair, cloaked in white staggers the imagination. To add insult to injury there was a giant block of stone blocking the entrance to the tomb.

The unlucky man couldn’t stand the taunts from his fellow soldiers. He resigned and migrated to Europe. Several of his descendants eventually traveled across the Atlantic. In fact his direct descendant is currently in charge of monitoring the metal detector at Logan Airport in the city of Boston.



Kurt Kitasaki has previously been published in The Starry Night Review, Digizine, and will soon be published in EWG Presents, and 3AM Magazine. Email -