By John Saleeby

Here I am making a Big Deal over a Dead Person when in just the last issue of Acid Logic I was saying that we shouldn't make a Big Deal over Dead People. But not all Dead People are Bad! Miley Cyrus would make a very pretty Dead Person. Maybe not after what I think ought to be done to her, but I wouldn't mind an Open Casket service. How about an Open Buffet service? I'm sorry! Am I still on A&E? But with Tom Laughlin I've got a loophole because I was thinking about doing an Interesting Motherfuckers article about the Legendary Creator of the "Billy Jack" Movies for years before he died. So it's cool. And it's not like I'm doing a "Peter O'Toole Is Dead" article like everybody else! Let me sneak around this pretentious Coffee House and look over everybody's shoulder to see what they are Writing. Hhhmmmm . . . "Peter O'Toole was in . . . ", "Peter O'Toole was in . . . ", "Peter O'Toole was in . . . ", "This little creepy guy is lurking around looking everybody's shoulder . . . " Oh! Sorry, Officer! Busted!

Tom Laughlin's most interesting non "Billy Jack" Movie is "The Delinquents" (1957) in which he plays a nice Teenage guy who runs afoul of a bunch of Bad Kids. "Bad Kids"? That sounds corny. There must be a better word for that. "Hooligans"? Nah. I'll work on it. The best Scene in the Movie is when the rascals(?) pressure Tom into chugging down a whole bottle of whiskey in about half a minute. I can't quite capture how disturbing that is because the cast of "Glee" just pressured me into chugging down a whole bottle of whiskey just a few minutes ago and all I want to do is SING!!! "The Delinquents" was Directed by Robert Altman years before there was such a thing as a Robert Altman Movie so there aren't any stoner improv monologues and Elliot Gould is nowhere to be found. I didn't pay real close attention to it cause I figured the plot wouldn't really kick in until Elliot Gould showed up. Years after making this Movie Altman said Laughlin was "A pain in the ass". Mon Dieu!

Ten years later Laughlin made the first and the best Billy Jack Movie "The Born Losers" which was such a success he had Robert Altman hog tied and burned "I LOVE TOM" on his butt with a branding iron. I Love "The Born Losers" because when I saw the title I thought it was about my Family.

In 1971 Laughlin made "Billy Jack", the first and best Movie to be named after the Billy Jack character. If you haven't seen "Billy Jack" go to the DVD rental place and stand in the parking lot with your mouth hanging open when you see that the DVD rental place has gone out of Business. Anybody in 2014 who hasn't seen "Billy Jack" yet has got a lot of catching up to do. Go to the Record Store and see if they've got any Rap records. More standing in the parking lot with your mouth hanging open for you!

1974!!! - Tom made "The Trial Of Billy Jack" which I have never seen and, after reading about it in Wikipedia I don't think I want to. But at least it is the last of the Billy Jack things and I can wrap this article up and get back to Work on my Concerto . . .

Wait a minute! What's this in Wikipedia? ANOTHER Billy Jack Movie? "Billy Jack Goes To Washington"? Whatwhatwhat?! Oh, it's like "Mister Smith Goes To Washington" only with Billy Jack instead of Jimmy Stewart? That was just a "Saturday Night Live" sketch, right? Tom Laughlin hosted "Saturday Night Live" and they did a silly little Comedy bit where Billy Jack goes to Washington like Jimmy Stewart and . . . It was a REAL Movie? Maybe we shouldn't do a Tom Laughlin Interesting Motherfuckers article after all. Naw, let's give the poor man a break. At least he had the good sense not to make another Billy Jack Movie after that. Maybe I'll give Thandie Newton a call, see if she's doing anything tonight . . .

UH OH!! HO' DE' PHONE!!! Sez right here that in 1985 Tom done took off and tried to make "The Return Of Billy Jack", a Movie where Billy Jack goes to New York to fight Child Pornography! Fortunately this Movie was never completed before it could make the Internet as we know it impossible. Yeah, they were shooting a scene when some rascal (?) broke a bottle over Tom's head and it did to his head what breaking a bottle over a guy's head does to his head in Real Life. Conspiracy? "We gotta stop this Movie before it destroys the Internet and in the Future John Saleeby is forced to Write for his Local Left Wing Weekly!" So that's it for Billy Jack! But "The Born Losers" and "Billy Jack" are really good, so . . .

UH OH!!! WILL THIS WIKIPEDIA NIGHTMARE EVER END!?! In 2004 Laughlin announced that he was making a Billy Jack Movie called "Billy Jack's Crusade To End The War In Iraq And Restore America To Its Moral Purpose". That is not a joke. (Editor's Note: Folks, I read this and figured, knowing Saleeby, that is was a joke. But it is not a joke. I repeat, IT IS NOT A JOKE.) I wish I was funny enough to make that up. He was really going to make a Movie called "Billy Jack's Crusade To End The War In Iraq And Restore America To It's Moral Purpose". I wonder why that never worked out? On Oscar Night you could tell that "Billy Jack's Crusade To End The War In Iraq And Restore America To It's Moral Purpose" had won an award when the presenter came out with a really big envelope.

But Laughlin was distracted in 2004 cause he was running for President. Yeah, President of the United States! Of America! This one right here! He had already run for President in 1992 but he wasn't elected. I hope I didn't have to tell you that. But he ran again in 2004 and he ran again in 2008. And what the Hell, he couldn't have done any worse than the bums that won. If Conan can be Governor of California Billy Jack can be President of the United States! If Conan can be the Host of "The Tonight Show" Billy Jack can be President of the United States! When did anybody we've had as President ever do anything as cool as "The Born Losers"? I bet Barack Obama has never even seen "The Born Losers"! His Wife won't let him! And forget about him ever getting to see any Pam Grier Movies!

And who can forget that "Billy Jack" theme song? "Go ahead and hate your neighbor! Go ahead and cheat a friend! You can do it in the name of Heaven! You can justify it in the end! But the bloody morning . . . " Wait, Tom Laughlin didn't Write that, did he? No? Well, why did you just sit there and let me sing that shit? Were you laughing at me? You were sitting there laughing at me, weren't you?! You ASSHOLES!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

View John Saleeby's crazy web log!

Meet some other Interesting Motherfuckers: Ray Walston by John Saleeby From My Favorite Martian to Mr. Hand. Mitch Hedberg by John Saleeby The last of the comedy greats! Al Jafee by Wil Forbis Mad Magazine's cartoon master. GG Allin by Wil Forbis Even punks loathed the performer who pushed past the bouderies. David Allan Coe by Wil Forbis Country's obscene outlaw walks the line. Bernie Casey by John Saleeby The blaxploitation star who rose from the ghetto of professional football. Bret Easton Ellis by Tom Waters Peruse the critical overview and interview with the fiction superstar. Phil Lynott by Wil Forbis Thin Lizzy's frontman rose from the streets of Ireland to the heights of rock stardom and then descended into the pit of drug abuse. Louis CK by Sean C Tarry Marvel at this stand up's ability to phrase the opposite of every song. Sho Kosugi by Wil Forbis Fear the power of the Ninja! Fear it, Bitch! Bill Hicks by Cody Wayne The mind expanding comedian gets his due. Warren Zevon by Xander Horlyk A literary look at "a moralist in cynic's clothing." Pam Grier by John Saleeby Sweet Christmas! It's the queen of blaxploitation, Foxy Brown herself! Jack Webb by John Saleeby When he created the elite police unit of "Dragnet," Jack Webb laid the first blow against the scourge of America: Hippies! Doris Wishman by Wil Forbis The prolific adult film maker, whose work includes the classic Chesty Morgan movies, is probed and prodded. Dave Thomas by John Saleeby Wendy's Dave Thomas was all about Biggie Fries, Frosties and love. Spike Milligan by John Saleeby Read up on the life of the British comedy scribe. Toshiro Mifune by Wil Forbis The Japanese actor who slashed his way through a thousand samurai movies. Nina Hagen by Wil Forbis The Wagnerian Banshee who created the blueprint for punk/funk/opera. Bob and Tommy Stinson by John Saleeby Get to know the real talents of eighties punk sensations, The Replacements. Tom Savini by John Saleeby The king of latex gore. And there's even more on our main page!

Additional Tom Laughlin stuff: The Trials and Success of Tom Laughlin's 'Billy Jack' The Auston Chronicle contemplate Laughlin's career. Wiki on Tom Get the goods.