By John Saleeby

Of all the archetypes which have populated American movies and television the least discussed has been The Big Scarey Black Guy. The reason for this is so obvious it only needs to be explained to people so out of it they turn to such a thing as Acid Logic for reading material. There have been hundreds of Big Scarey Black Guys in thousands of films over the years but no film critic has ever been bold enough to write anything like "As the Big Scarey Black Guy who picks up Dennis Hopper and throws him into a vat of molten Silly Putty, Jim Brown is astoundingly bad" and we all understand why. How does the critic know that one day he won't be sitting in his office working up the nerve to tell the other critics "You know, guys, I really don't think Clint Eastwood is all THAT great!" when his receptionist will deliver the heartstopping message "Jim Brown is out here waiting to see you - With a vat of molten Silly Putty"? This explains why there has never been a single negative review of any rap record by any white rock critic.

For Bernie Casey, however, I will make an exception. But before I begin to write about Mister Casey and his career, please allow me to take a moment to say - Oh boy, do I love Bernie Casey, he is so great, no white man could ever be as great as Bernie Casey is, oh please don't hurt me, Mister Casey, I'll do whatever you say, just don't hurt me, PLEASE!

If any jive ass Romulans fuck with me I'm gonna stick my foot up their ass!

Bernie Casey is a thoughtful, sophisticated man who has raised himself up from the very lowest level of American Society - Professional Sports! Bernie was born in 1939, grew up in Columbus, Ohio, and was drafted from Bowling Green by the San Francisco Forty Niners. Balls were kicked, thrown, caught, and autographed while grown men wept and concert promoters eyed the stadiums thinking "My God! We could make a shitload of money in these places!!" But while everybody was practicing . . . Uh, football stuff, Bernie, Joe Namath, and O.J. Simpson were practicing ACTING!

Bernie: Okay, let's do a "Gilligan's Island" improv! I'll be Gilligan, Joe will be the Skipper, and O.J. will be Mister Howell.
Joe: Okay.
O.J.: Okay.
Bernie: Skipper! Skipper! There's a World War Two Japanese soldier on the island!
Joe: Japanese? Knees? I told you to never talk about knees to me! Ow! I need a percodan!
O.J.: Egads! The Professor is sneaking around with Lovey! Gilligan, old boy - Hand me that machete you were chopping up coconuts with!
Bernie: That was GOOD!

Former NFL stars turned actors were all the rage back in the Seventies - Bernie Casey, Joe Namath, O.J. Simpson, Jim Brown, Rosie Grier, Roddy McDowell, Paul Lynde, Shirley McClaine (She was Brian Piccolo in an earlier incarnation), Arnold The Pig on "Green Acres", I'll be glad to go on all day with this bit if someone don't stop me - Why did that guy just hit me on the head with that lead pipe like that? Where am I?

You look at Bernie Casey in every acting role he's ever had and The Big Question is "Is he gonna be a Nice Guy? I sure hope he's gonna be a Nice Guy cause if he is everything's gonna be okay! But if he ain't gonna be a Nice Guy I'm gettin' the Hell outta here!" Or, as it would have been phrased if he had ever been in a Jerry Lewis movie, "BERNIE!!! OH, BERNIE!!! BE A NICE BERNIE!!!" Bernie was almost cast as The Big Scarey Black Guy in "Which Way To The Front?" but when Jerry did his "BERNIE!!! OH, BERNIE!!! BE A NICE BERNIE!!!" bit during his audition, well . . . Good thing Jerry had an eighteen wheeler full of percodan parked outside the studio.

Bernie's Big Break was getting cast in the role of Bernie Casey, Pro Football star, in the hit ABC TV Movie "Brian's Song". Everybody got a hanky ready? They almost changed the name of "Brian's Song" when Bernie overheard the producers discussing the title and got scared. "If we call it 'Brian's Song' the kids might think it's about Brian Wilson from The Beach Boys and tune in to see his bedroom with the grand piano in the sandbox and the cats using it as a litter box!"

"I don't want to be in a show like that!"

Boy, has Bernie been in a lot of movies! Among a few of the more Blaxploitational productions Bernie's been in are "Hit Man" ("He Aims To Please!" Pam Grier is in this movie so it's guaranteed to please no matter what any Hit Man does), "Street Knight", "Hammer, Slammer, And Slade", "Chains Of Gold", "Black Gun", "Cornbread, Earl, And Me", "Dr. Black, Mr. Hyde" ("A Monster He Can't Control Has Taken Over His Soul!" See? It rhymes! Got a good review in the LA Times!), and "Cleopatra Jones".

What movies has Bernie been in that lame white faggots like you would be more familiar with? He was in "The Man Who Fell To Earth" starring David Bowie or, as Bernie's regular fans call it, "The Man Who Kicked His Boney Ass Back Up Into Space".

Bernie Meets Bowie
"Damn! You better get yourself something to eat!"
"And you, Bernie, had best go home - Iggy has stolen the silverware and they're sure to blame the colored man."
"Oh, shit!"

Bernie was also in "Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure" but who cares about him - What about the guy who played Napoleon in that movie? I LOVE THAT GUY!!! "Oh, yeah - The Napoleon dude!" Bernie laughed when I called The Celebrity Mind Reading Line to interview him through one of their psychic operators "Man, that guy was so funny we couldn't get any work done. Keanu Reeves laughed so hard just watching that Napoleon guy eat lunch he busted a gut and his intestines spilled out. You know, Keanu Reeves is so good looking even his intestines are attractive! They're a really pretty pinkish color. I looked at his intestines and I thought 'Damn! That's exactly the color I want for my wife's panties! Lemmee take a picture of them intestines! That Napoleon guy was so funny George Carlin got jealous and locked himself up in his trailer and wouldn't come out until we gave him a bronze plaque officially proclaiming him The Funniest Member Of The Cast Of 'Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure'. I said 'Fuck that!' and had a bronze plaque made up that said 'George Carlin, you ain't shit! We know you're doing coke in there, come out and get to work before we call the cops' and when he came out we were all dressed up like Napoleon and waving our dicks at him. Except for that little Joan Of Arc chick who was helping me wave my dick at him, if you know what I mean!"
"Really?"
"Uh . . . Your three minutes are up. You wanna spring for another forty bucks?"
"Naaahh . . . "

Call me a racist white guy, but my favorite Bernie Casey appearence is as The King Of The Lizard People in the classic CBS TV Movie "Gargoyles" - God damn, did he scare me in that movie when I was a little kid! Whoooo!!! The only negative thing about Bernie's performance is that all his lines sound like he's speaking into an electric fan to make him sound Extra Spooky - Bernie don't need that! But then I found out it wasn't cheap production values that had Bernie sounding like that, it was all that Reptile Mofo make up Bernie had to wear was so hot and uncomfortable he had to have an electric fan as close as possible to him at all times or he would die of a heat stroke. So maybe there's a logical reason why Geddy Lee sounds like that on all them Rush records, too? If all the make up it takes to look as creepy as the Gargoyle Geek makes Bernie sound funny I'm sure all the make up it takes to look as creepy as Geddy Lee makes Rush sound funny, too. Are Geddy Lee jokes inappropriate in the Blaxploitation issue? Sorry!

The Bernie Casey movie I most want to see is "The Dinner" in which Our Hero not only stars but also WROTE AND DIRECTED! The concept for this movie is so simple it is incredibly ambitious - Three successful, educated Black men sit down for dinner and a discussion of the Black man's problems in America. It says a lot about what kind of guy Bernie Casey is that he would do something so unusual and the fact that I can't find hardly information about "The Dinner" can only mean that The Man don't want me to find no information about "The Dinner" so it must be one Hell of a movie, the kind of Cinematic Experience that will rock you to the very foundations of your consciousness and reshape your entire personal concept of Reality in ways you never thought possible. Like Tommy Chong's "Far Out, Man", the film which led Izzy Stradlin to say "Could that really happen? I mean, really?"

You know, Bernie Casey is such a classy gent that I bet I could make fun of him here, Big Scarey Black Guy or not, without having to worry about him coming to kick my ass. So, lemmee tell ya, the only movie I'd like with Bernie Casey sitting around eating dinner is one with him all made up in his rubber Gargoyle monster suit eating dinner with Pam Grier and the Napoleon Guy From "Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure". Hey, Bernie - Maybe if you quit being such a sour puss and made a movie like that people would want to see it! Ha! Whatta maroon!! What? Who's that? BERNIE CASEY!! Uh oh! Now I'm gonna get it! What? You're not gonna kick my ass? Whew! Whatta relief! I thought - WHAT!?! Oh no! We're going to have a DISCUSSION ABOUT THE BLACK MAN'S PROBLEMS IN AMERICA!?!? Oh, no!!! NOOOOOO!! Oh, God - He's talking to me about RACISM!!! Oh, GOD!!! JUST BEAT ME UP!!! KICK ME IN THE HEAD!!! PUNCH ME IN THE GUT!!! Which one of these forks do I use for the salad? Oh, thanks. THROW ME INTO A VAT OF MOLTEN SILLY PUTTY!!! OH, PLEASE!!! Pass the salt. Thanks. KILL ME!!! KILL ME!!! KILL MEEEEEEEEEE!!!

What do you think America? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

Meet some other Interesting Motherfuckers: Ray Walston by John Saleeby From My Favorite Martian to Mr. Hand. Mitch Hedberg by John Saleeby The last of the comedy greats! Al Jafee by Wil Forbis Mad Magazine's cartoon master. GG Allin by Wil Forbis Even punks loathed the performer who pushed past the bouderies. David Allan Coe by Wil Forbis Country's obscene outlaw walks the line. Bernie Casey by John Saleeby The blaxploitation star who rose from the ghetto of professional football. Bret Easton Ellis by Tom Waters Peruse the critical overview and interview with the fiction superstar. Phil Lynott by Wil Forbis Thin Lizzy's frontman rose from the streets of Ireland to the heights of rock stardom and then descended into the pit of drug abuse. Louis CK by Sean C Tarry Marvel at this stand up's ability to phrase the opposite of every song. Sho Kosugi by Wil Forbis Fear the power of the Ninja! Fear it, Bitch! Bill Hicks by Cody Wayne The mind expanding comedian gets his due. Warren Zevon by Xander Horlyk A literary look at "a moralist in cynic's clothing." Pam Grier by John Saleeby Sweet Christmas! It's the queen of blaxploitation, Foxy Brown herself! Jack Webb by John Saleeby When he created the elite police unit of "Dragnet," Jack Webb laid the first blow against the scourge of America: Hippies! Doris Wishman by Wil Forbis The prolific adult film maker, whose work includes the classic Chesty Morgan movies, is probed and prodded. Dave Thomas by John Saleeby Wendy's Dave Thomas was all about Biggie Fries, Frosties and love. Spike Milligan by John Saleeby Read up on the life of the British comedy scribe. Toshiro Mifune by Wil Forbis The Japanese actor who slashed his way through a thousand samurai movies. Nina Hagen by Wil Forbis The Wagnerian Banshee who created the blueprint for punk/funk/opera. Bob and Tommy Stinson by John Saleeby Get to know the real talents of eighties punk sensations, The Replacements. Tom Savini by John Saleeby The king of latex gore. And there's even more on our main page!

Additional Bernie/Blaxploitation Material: Stickingittotheman dot com: Good guide to standing up against whitey. Acid Logic on Revenge of the Nerds: Remember Bernie as the Black Fraternity leader? I'm Gonna Git You Sucka The Blaxploitation knock off starring Bernie Front and Center.