GODDAMMIT!!! Every Time I Discover  a Really Great Horror Movie and Write an Acid Logic Article about it for all the People in the World to enjoy and then  sit back, Confident and Secure in the Knowledge that I have seen  every Single Great Horror Movie in the World and am The World’s Leading Authority on Horror Movies (And probably everything else but this is an Article about a Horror Movie so we’ll probably have to keep the Ace Frehley Jokes down to a Minimum). But then I decide to go onto You Tube to watch Videos of People acting like ASSHOLES in Senate Committee Hearings and all of a sudden I find myself watching a Great Horror that I have never heard of before and it is so Great I decide to Write an Article about it for Acid Logic so once again I can feel like “I AM THE WORLD’S LEADING AUTHORITY ON HORROR MOVIES AND ROSITA ON ‘THE WALKING DEAD’ WILL BE MINE!!!  ROSITA SHALL BE MY QUEEN!!!

So, what Horror Movie is going to become an International Favorite once John Saleeby gives it The Acid Logic Treatment  like “Pin”, “Intruder”, and “The Pit”? Uh . . . I don’t remember the name of the Horror Movie. All I know is that I watched it and then I ran around squirting people with a Fire Extinguisher until they threw me in Jail. Let’s look at my Lap Top’s History, see what was the last thing I looked at before  . . . Uh . . . “Evilspeak” . . . “Evilspeak”? . . . UH OH!!! . . . PIGS EATING PEOPLE!!! PIGS EATING PEOPLE!!! PIGS EATING PEOPLE!!!

Six Weeks Later . . .

I’m on Medication now. I can’t stop thinking about PIGS EATING PEOPLE but I can at least stop yelling at People about it. Cause there’s a lot more going on in “Evilspeak” than PIGS . . . You know. Hey, Clint Howard is in “Evilspeak”!  You know, Ron Howard’s Brother. The kid in “Gentle Ben”! Eh, most People these days are too young to remember “Gentle Ben”. You know, the Show about the kid and the Bear? Aw . . . What about the Bears? Are there any Bears old enough to remember the “Gentle Bear” TV Show? Hey, Bears, Clint Howard was the Little Kid on that Show. Oh, you wanted to eat him? Well, Gentle Ben never wanted to eat him! That’s why he got to be on a TV Show and all you ever got to do was scratch your ass up against a Tree. Fuck You!  And Clint Howard was on “Star Trek”, “Rock N’ Roll High School”,  and . . . Was Clint Howard ever on “Happy Days”? His Mister Hollywood Big Shot Brother Ron was the Star of “Happy Days”, he couldn’t set up his Own Flesh And Blood Brother with a Regular Gig on the Show? What, you’re going to tell me that CLINT HOWARD wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH to be on the same Show as Donnie Most and Anson Williams? Oh, and don’t forget SCOTT BAIO! “Nah, we don’t need Clint Howard, we’ve got SCOTT BAIO!!!” I’ll tell you one thing and once I say it I’m going to keep right on saying it until EVERYBODY in the World knows it - If those idiots at ABC had put Clint Howard on “Happy Days” he would have brought a Spiritual Enlightenment to the Production that would Touched The Lives of every one involved and, not only would we be Living in a  Better World Today, BUT ERIN MORAN WOULD STILL BE ALIVE!!! Yeah, She’d still be a Shitfaced White Trash Slob making trouble in some Terrible Trailer Park somewhere, but she’d still be ALIVE! Which is more than you can say for Henry Winkler. What? Henry Winkler is still alive? Oh, yeah. I forgot all about that. Ha Ha Ha . . . We should probably cut that out of he Article. I Hope Henry Winkler’s Mom didn’t get too upset about that! She Reads Acid Logic for the Ace Frehley Jokes.

Say, I feel a lot better now. Maybe I’ll really be able to get into Writing this Article now. What was I Writing about? “EVILSPEAK”!?! THE PIGS!!!! THE PIGS!!! (Jumps up, takes off running, hits the Wall, and collapses unconscious on the floor) Everybody laughs and laughs and laughs but stops as John slowly rises up from the floor and starts floating in the air, covered with blood, and holding a Medieval Sword. There is a huge explosion and the room catches on fire as everybody tries to escape. But the Door won’t open and, as the fire spreads, THE PIGS run in and attack everybody as they burn to Death, John cuts their heads off, and THE PIGS rip their bodies apart . . . John wakes up, looks around “Say, I should mention in the Article that Dwayne from ‘What’s Happening’ is in ‘Evilspeak’! Hey, is something burning? What is that STINK?!”

“Evilspeak” was Directed by Eric Weston and it is a Damn Shame that it is the only Movie that he made. The first thing that comes to Mind when I wonder why Weston never got to Direct another Movie is “Was he EATEN BY PIGS?” and I DON’T WANT TO KNOW! I’m just glad Duane from “What’s Happening” was not eaten by Pigs. I know Rerun wasn’t EATEN BY PIGS but Roger? That might be why you never saw Roger in anything after “What’s Happening” - Maybe HE GOT EATEN  BY PIGS!! I DON’T WANT TO KNOW!

“Evilspeak” has everything you would want in an Eighties Horror Movie - Devil Worship, Gore, Tits, a really nice Ass . . . Practically all Eighties Horror Movies have Tits but how many have a really nice Ass? Eighties Horror Movies don’t have a really nice Ass as often as they have Tits because when an Eighties Horror Movie has a really nice Ass the Really Nice Ass Guys get too excited and Write a lot of stupid stuff about the Really Nice Ass that other people find a little disturbing. Tits Guys get really Worked Up over the Tits in Eighties Horror Movies but Tits guys are a bit more Laid Back about these things than Really Nice Ass Guys. When an Eighties Horror Movie has Tits the Tits Guys just pass on the information that there are Tits in the Movie and that’s it. But when there is a Really Nice Ass in an Eighties Horror Movie those Nice Ass Guys will start going on about it and keep right on going on about it until you think “How much longer am I going to have to read about Nice Asses in Eighties Horror Movies?” Well, that’s too bad for you because the Nice Ass in “Evilspeak” is such a Nice Ass - “Hey, John! How about those PIGS!?!” “THE PIGS! THE PIGS ARE EATING PEOPLE! THE PIGS ARE EATING PEOPLE!”

As you can plainly see, “Evilspeak” will really Freak You Out and if you are the kind of Person that can’t handle Horror Movies you should . . . I’ve got nothing to say to you. Go Dance around in a Field full of Daisies Playing a Fiddle on a Sunny Day before I throw you in the Trunk of a Car and bury you in the Desert.

And if you ARE into Horror Movies the Climax of “Evilspeak” will probably prompt a lot of Serious Thinking about what all this means to you. And while you’re doing that I will sneak up behind you, throw you into the Trunk of a Car, and bury you in the Desert with all the Fiddler Bitches. But after I saw “Pin” and “The Pit” the first thing I did was Email Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis with “Man, I just saw the MOST AWESOME Horror Movie! SHIT! I’ve gotta Write an Article about it for the next Issue! I GOT TO!!!” But the first think I did after I saw “Evilspeak” was run around squirting people with Fire Extinguishers until I got thrown in Jail. So I am not going to be held responsible for whatever YOU do after you see “Evilspeak”. I was going to say that I’ll hold Eric Weston responsible for what you do but something tells me that guy got thrown into the Trunk of a Car and buried in the Desert YEARS ago.  That’s probably what happened to Roger from “What’s Happening” too.

Hey! There’s a Guy in the End of “Evilspeak” that catches on fire and runs around screaming and yelling. You think that might have something to do with the Fire Extinguisher thing? All that Time having to Talk to Doctors and I didn’t come up with that just now!  Writing can be very therapeutic -

“Hey, John! You forgot to mention that Clint Howard is in ‘The Ice Cream Man’!!”

Oh! “The Ice Cream Man” . . . Ice Cream . . . Ice Cream? . . . PIGS EATING ICE CREAM!!! PIGS EATING ICE CREAM!!!! PIGS EATING ICE CREAM!!!!

John runs around squirting people with a can of Whipped Cream, gets thrown in Jail . . .

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com