The Pit

The Pit

By John Saleeby
December 1st, 2015


There are a lot of Movies about Crazy Kids but “The Pit” has a Crazy Kid who finds a Hole in the Ground full of Prehistoric Monkey Men so he starts throwing People in there to give ‘em something to eat. WHOA! And you think I’m gonna waste my Time Writing an Article about a Kid who is left Home Alone and grows up into a Has Been? No Way! I wish I had found a Hole full of Prehistoric Monkey Men when I was a Kid! Aw, to Hell with wasting my Time Writing this Article, I’m gonna go find me Hole full of Prehistoric Monkey Men right now!

One Week Later . . .

There aren’t any Holes full of Prehistoric Monkey Men around here. There aren’t even any Holes! Oh, well, at least I didn’t waste my Week Writing any dumb Acid Logic Articles. Now I’ll pack up for my Romantic Trip to Paris with Rosario Dawson. Oh, wait a minute . . . My Medication is kicking in . . .I’m not going on a Romantic Trip to Paris with Rosario Dawson after all! Shit! Guess I’ll just sit around in my Apartment and Write an Acid Logic Article about “The Pit”. CRAP!

I’m joking around too much - “The Pit” is a terrific Movie. Making fun of Bad Movies is Punk, it takes a Real Wise Ass to do Jokes about Good Movies like we do here at Acid Logic. Although it helps when your idea of a Good Movie is “Sleepaway Camp” or “Midnight Meat Train”. I once tried to Write an Acid Logic Article about Fellini’s “La Strada” and felt so guilty I punished myself by watching “La Strada”. “The Pit” is such a Classical Horror Movie it could have been dreamed up by Stephen King before hanging out with all those Hollywood Candy Asses turned him into The Thing That Wouldn’t Quit Screaming About Fox News. If King had Written “The Pit” the Kid would come from a Devout Christian Family and he’d be throwing Lesbians into a Hole full of Human Flesh Eating Iraq War Veterans. No “Motherfucking Masterpiece” Article for you, Stephen King! SCRAM!!

The Best Thing about “The Pit” is Sammy Snyders’ as Jamie, The Creepy Kid. Snyders first came to attention with a performance as Tom Sawyer. Or maybe he played Huck Finn. I don’t give a fuck, I hate at all that Mark Twain garbage. I Like Stephen King more than I like Mark Twain, that’s how much I hate Mark Twain. But after seeing Snyders throwing Little Girls, Old Ladies, and various other kinds of Humans into that Hole (He tries to throw a Cow in there but gives up because . . . You ever tried to throw a Cow?) I have a Hard Time imagining him as Tom or Huck. Maybe Joe The Injun? He is so WEIRD in “The Pit” that him playing some lovable Mark Twain Puke would be as alarming as Harvey Keitel playing Forrest Gump FORREST (Keitel): I gotta pee! JFK: What? FORREST: I gotta fuckin’ PEE!!! I drank all the fuckin’ Doctor Pepper!! JFK: He says he’s gotta pee. FORREST: I can talk for myself, faggot!

Yeah, Jamie is one scary Kid. He’s going through That Awkward Stage where he suddenly has to pay attention to his Dick. Take it from The Old Guy, deciding that you’re not going to pay attention to your Dick any more is even better than when you decide you’re not going to pay attention to your Mom and Dad any more. Hey, Springsteen! Rewrite “Independence Day” so it’s about your Dick instead of your Dad! Don’t worry, you already lost your Balls when you started Singing “This Land Is Your Land” at Democratic Campaign Rallies! Jamie spends most of the Movie tormenting Sandy, his Sexy Coed Baby Sitter. Jamie’s Parents introduce Sandy and Jamie when she comes over for Dinner and the first thing Sammy does is drop his napkin on the floor so he can crawl under the Table and look up her Skirt. If he had seen any Prehistoric Monkey Men up there Sigmund Freud would have come dancing out of the Grave Singing “Who’s Your Little Whoozit?” If only Jamie had seen “Porky’s” before he found that Hole! If only Jamie had seen “Porky’s” before he found that God Damn Hole!

Sandy is played by Jeannie Elias who would have been The Biggest Actress in The History Of Blowing Producers if it wasn’t for her Weird Seventies Hair. All through “The Pit” we are wondering what is going on inside Jamie’s Head and what is going on on top of Sandy’s Head. Elias has had a successful Career doing Voice Over Work so apparently she still has that Weird Seventies Hair. If she had done something about her Do she could have been Meryl Streep. Is her Hairstylist Working for Meryl Streep? Evil Meryl Streep! Actress Chicks! If Meryl Streep ever shows you a Hole In The Ground run away before she can push you in and the Agents eat you!

And, yeah, Jamie really does try to feed a Cow to the Prehistoric Monkey Men. But “The Pit” ain’t a stupid Movie, they play it for Laughs. Good Stuff! But then they try to top it with Jamie trying to catch some Chickens and they aren’t very funny at all. They were going to bring in some Chicago Improvisational Chickens but settled on some New York Stand Up Comic Chickens and . . .Hey, it’s Acid Logic! Whattaya want!?

And as Forrest Gump played by Harvey Keitel would say “Life is like a Box of fuckin’ Chocolates - You eat all the ones with the Caramel before I get there and I’ll cut your fuckin’ head off!!”

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email -

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