Intruder

“Intruder” is an Eighties Slasher Movie and, as we can clearly tell by the cries of “An Eighties Slasher Movie!?! An Article About an Eighties Slasher Movie!?! Are you kidding me!?! Are you fucking kidding me!?!”, nothing gets less respect than an Eighties Slasher Movie. But that’s Cool. I remember when nothing got less respect than AC/DC Record and nowadays Bob Dylan is wondering if he ought to go onstage in an Australian Schoolboy Uniform. Eighties Slasher Movies may not be a Big Deal to you right now but I guarantee one day you’ll be watching five or six of em a day on your Thumb Phone just as sure as you listened to five or six AC/DC Records on your Car Radio today. Yeah, “Thumb Phone”. They won’t be cheap so start saving up right now.

Like all Eighties Slasher Movies “Intruder” is a “Halloween” rip off but that’s Okay because if anything out to be ripped off it’s “Halloween”. “Halloween” sucks! Don’t agree with me? I don’t give a shit, this is an Article not a dumb ass Comments Board. Comments Boards are Amateur Night. Real Internet Assholes Write ARTICLES! Like that one I Wrote about “Intruder” for Acid Logic. I ought to finish that sometime. Eighties Slasher Movies that rip off “Halloween are Cool because they’re all trying to improve on whatever the Hell “Halloween” thought it was doing. Eighties Comedy Movies aren’t as good as Eighties Slasher Movies because Eighties Comedy Movies are ripping off “Caddyshack” and no way are you going to be as funny as “Caddyshack”. I mean, COME ON!  But “Halloween”? If you can’t improve on that you must be Rob Zombie.  Because . . . Uh . . He’s the guy that did that “Halloween” remake and . . . Uh . . . Rob Zombie Jokes suck because I can’t think about him without remembering how HOT his Wife is and . . . Uh . . . Let me stop making “Halloween” Jokes before I remember that John Carpenter was Married to Adrienne Barbeau and go Flat Out Ape Shit. NOBODY MENTION NASTASSIA KINSKI IN “CAT PEOPLE”!!!!

The Premise of “Intruder” is so simple calling it a “Premise” ought to get you kicked in the nuts - Members of a Late Night Supermarket Stock Crew are gruesomely murdered one after another until we finally learn the identity of the Killer, the Movie ends, and you go “Wow! That was a GREAT MOVIE!!! I am SO GLAD I read that Article about it in Acid Logic!” I don’t want to ruin everything by giving away the identity of the Killer (Although after you read this Article you’ll find out I’ve already ruined everything by running over your Mom with a Tractor), but for some stupid reason the original Trailers and Posters for “Intruder” gave away that information before anybody could see the Movie in the first place! Is that crazy or what? What was the Advertising Slogan for this Movie? “SEE ‘INTRUDER’! THE MOVIE WHERE YOU’LL THINK THE CRAZY EX CON IS THE KILLER BUT THE GOOFY SUPERMARKET MANAGER TURNS OUT TO BE KILLING EVERYBODY INSTEAD!!! IT’S GREAT!!!” Put in something about the Main Girl “AND THE MAIN GIRL IS REALLY CUTE!!!” Good.

I’m kidding “Intruder” but it is the rare Eighties Slasher Movie in which people are horribly killed and you feel more than “Ha Ha! I’d sure like to do that to Doug!” (I hope Doug doesn’t read this). Scenes in which a character has his head crushed by a Trash Compactor and another character has his head cut in half by a Band Saw may not sound like they have any redeeming social value until you actually see the Movie and learn that the character who has his head crushed by the Trash Compactor is The Funniest Guy In The Movie and the character who has his head cut in half by a Band Saw is the Cute Main Girl's New Boyfriend. Yeah, everybody Loves “Gone With The Wind” but does anything as interesting as getting his head crushed by a Trash Compactor happen to The Funniest Guy In THAT Movie? Does Rhett Butler get his head cut in half by a Band Saw in “Gone With The Wind”? I have no idea, I have never been able to make it all the way through that goddam Movie. Would I have kept watching it if I had known that somebody’s head was going to crushed or cut in half? Nah.

If “Intruder” has so much more PIZZAZZ than the average Eighties Slasher Movie it might be due to the involvement of Sam Raimi and The Internationally Beloved Movie Star Bruce Campbell, the Men behind The Most Important Horror Film Of The Eighties “The Evil Dead”*. Wow! Sam Raimi, the Director of “The Evil Dead”, is in “Intruder” as a Butcher who winds up hanging from a Meat Hook and Bruce Campbell, the Star of “The Evil Dead”, is in “Intruder” as a White Cop who shoots a Black Guy for no reason! No, not really - He’s just a Cop. I only only threw in that stuff about a White Cop shooting a Black Guy for no reason to give those assholes at CNN something to make their weird Hand Gestures about. Oh, and not only does Bruce Campbell show up in “Intruder” as a Cop, but so do the guys who played Eb and Mister Kimball on “Green Acres”. Really. Was anybody from “Green Acres” in “Halloween”? No! That’s how NOTHING “Halloween” is! What, they couldn’t get Arnold The Pig instead of Jamie Lee Curtis? HA HA HA!!! Hey, I’m right in the middle of a scholarly critique of a Motion Picture in which a man has his head cut in half by a Band Saw, I’m not allowed to make jokes to deal with all this suffering and pain? Hey, what’s Alan Alda in “M*A*S*H” got that I ain’t got? Oh, ASTERISKS?! Give a guy ASTERISKS and that makes him another Johnny Carson! I HATE YOU!!!!”

“Intruder” isn’t all Murder and Mayhem. There is also riveting dialogue . . .

“ . . . and we hit him in the head with a Blender!”
“A Blender?”
“Hamilton Beach!”

Wow! Was that a Hamilton Beach Trash Compactor? Was that a Hamilton Beach Bandsaw? Is there a Beach called Hamilton somewhere? Do the girls wear electric Bikinis? HA HA! I AM SUCH A DICK!!!!

*I only said “The Evil Dead” is The Most Important Horror Movie Of The Eighties to give the Comments Board crowd something to bicker about. Also - Adam Sandler is better than Will Ferrell. That oughta keep em busy 'til 2020.

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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