Cindy and Donna

"A Story Of Two Sisters . . .
Cindy . . . So Anxious To Grow Up . . .
Donna . . . Who Grew Up Too Fast!"

I can't give away too much of what happens in "Cindy And Donna" because it will just sound "Trashy". "Cindy And Donna" IS Trashy - That's what happens when you make The Most Realistic Motion Picture Ever Made About America, the Trashiest Society to stink up Real Estate since Babylon stunk up the Fertile Crescent a few thousand years ago. Hey, the Babylonians didn't know about Jesus Christ or U2---at least they had an excuse! But Americans? Ugh, first I ate three quarters of a Dominos Pizza and now I gotta think about America? Whattya tryin' to do, kill me?

And God forbid that the article have any "Spoilers"! Remember the Old Days when we could Write about Movies without having to worry about that "Spoiler Alert" jazz? Aw, screw you! At The End of "Cindy And Donna" Donna walks into the House to find her Little Sister Cindy about to be debauched by Greg, The Agent of The Evil "Get Teenage Girls Doped Up, Put Dirty Pictures Of Em In Magazines, And Turn Em Into Whores" Cabal so she freaks out, runs into the Street, and gets hit by a Car. THE END! "No Santa Claus, No Happy Elves!" - Iggy Pop. Beat it, Iggy! Ain't it bad enough we got Greg hangin' around?

Cindy is a Nice Kid and she'd be okay if everybody in her Life wasn't a Piece Of Crap! Back in 1970 when "Cindy And Donna" was Produced the idea of a Young Woman trapped in a World of Slimeballs was kinda crazy but today in 2014? Sure seems like Reality to me! Cindy had it bad in 1970? Today a girl like Cindy would be Sacrificed in a Black Mass Ceremony on "The Today Show" in which Al Roker cuts her head off and Kathy Lee eats her intestines. Nobody would have to go to Work that Morning! In 1970 Donna's Boyfriend Greg turns out to be a fiend who leads her into Prostitution and Pornography, in 2014 he'd be a United States Senator. This Movie was only Forty Four Years ago, Greg's a young guy - He probably is a United States Senator! Goddam! I am gonna go to Washington DC and I am gonna mess him up! No, that would be the 1970 thing to do, I'm gonna go to Washington DC and ask him for a job. That guy was turning girls into bimbos forty years ago and now he's a Senator? Shit, THAT'S the kind of guy you want to do Business with! Ten years Working with Wil Forbis on Acid Logic stuff and what have I got to show for it? Nothing! Greg's The Man!

The Real Heartbreak in this Movie is watching Cindy trying to Write letters to an Out Of Town Boyfriend about all the horrible things we have been watching in the Movie. It's almost as sad as John Saleeby trying to Write an article about "Cindy And Donna" after he watched the damn thing. Although if I looked as good as Cindy I could sell tickets. Cindy would be okay if everybody would leave her alone. Why won't anybody leave this poor girl alone? They won't leave her alone because she is SO GOD DAMN HOT! The Pope would be trying to get Cindy off alone somewhere if he ever got a look at her. Screw The Pope! I saw her first! The things I would do to that girl! Geez, good thing I'm not in this Movie. Sorry for calling you a "fiend", Greg. Cindy is played by Debbie Osborne and she is so cute I actually sat all the way through this Movie without Googling Thandi Newton to see if she got divorced yet. Did I say "cute"? She's one Hell of a lot more than that but in this context I can't dwell on that without spending the rest of my Life wandering the Streets in a sack cloth shoving hot pokers into my eyes and yelling "Unclean! Unclean!" I Love her! There! I said it! BOLD AND UNASHAMED!!! "Cindy And Donna" was knocked out by Crown International, a Low Budget Production Company so cheap it made Roger Corman look like Francis Ford Coppola. No, they didn't make Roger put on a fat suit and a fake beard, they . . . Aw, get outta here! Crown International was run by a guy who got killed in a Motorcycle accident. His Last Words - "Hey, get a shot of THIS!" If I had a Low Budget Production Company it would be Clown International! Look at me - I'm EXPOSING THE HYPOCRISY OF SOCIETY!!!

Oh, Man! I forgot to write jokes about the Theme Song to this thing! Maybe I should wrap things up with a tender rendition of it with my International Gigolo British Junkie Back Up Band? C'mon, Boys!

Don't be afraid to discover, Cindy
Don't be afraid of a lover, Cindy
Oh, Cindy, be free
A woman you'll be

Eh, that's enough of that! You guys improvise a little Funky Blues Instrumental while I put on a chicken for a hat and dance around like an Apache Warrior. What? You're dumping me for Sammy Hagar? But my Dad paid for the PA! Shit!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

Dude, partake of some other Motherfucking Masterpieces! Iggy Pop's "Party" by John Saleeby With the arrival of the 80's, Iggy Pop turned to one man to resurrect his career: Ivan Kral! Heavy Metal by Wil Forbis This animated film from the 80's had more naked alien chicks than you could shake a phallicized laser pistol at. Scanners by Johnny Apocalypse Was Scanners a parable about out of control corporations or just an excuse to show exploding heads? Repo Man by Wil Forbis Packed with dead aliens, punk rock angst and Harry Dean Stanton in the role of his career, Alex Cox's cinematic masterpiece defined the term "cult film." RoboCop by John Saleeby Peter Weller shines as the clanking crimefighter in need of axel grease. Falling Down by Wil Forbis The final defense of the angry white male. Office Space by Wil Forbis Mike Judge, creator of Beavis and Butthead, satirizes the modern deskjob. Mr. Bungle by Wil Forbis The maniacal album that inspired tens, even dozens of musicians to become agro/metal/funk fanatics. Remember the clowns! Body Count by Cody Wayne Ice-T's hardcore metal group, famous for their ode to cop killin', get their due. John Carpenter's "The Thing" by Cody Wayne John Carpenter redefined the horror genre with his study of arctic isolation and shape shifting aliens. And here's more!