By John Saleeby

Man, that cocaine must be some wicked shit if it could stop The Darkness from becoming The Biggest Band In The World! Listen to their two CDs, "Permission To Land" and "One Way Ticket To Hell . . . And Back", and you would think a plane crash or marriage to a Japanese Conceptual Artist was why The Darkness aren't performing in football stadium full of cheering fans somewhere in the World tonight. But cocaine? Remind me to stay the hell away from that crap! It will get in the way of me achieving my goals! How will I become a successful writer by the time I'm Thirty if . . . Thirty? That was eighteen years ago! Shit! Where can I get hold of some coke? I wanna get some coke right now!

What a great band! The Darkness were Justin Hawkins (Operatic Lead Vocals, Guitar), Dan Hawkins (Little Brother, Guitar), Frankie Poullain (Facial Hair, Headband, Bass), and Ed Graham (Sullen Demeanor, Drums). These fellows were all Boyhood Friends in the English Country Town of Suffolk , which judging from the English Country Town songs on their albums, is an idyllic rural utopia of green fields, pretty girls, and beer swilling louts who play guitars and fall down a lot. Having grown up and become men without having to go to France and kill Germans, they all found themselves in London working at becoming International Pop Stars, and returned to Suffolk City where the grass is green and the girls are pretty to become The Darkness. On New Year's Eve Justin took the stage to perform a Kareoke rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody" which so amused the assembled throng that he was anointed as the band's Front Man. Hey! "Bohemian Rhapsody" was the first of the only two Kareoke songs I have ever performed in my Life! The second was "Our Lips Are Sealed" by The Go Gos. I was dressed up as John Wayne in "The Green Berets" at the time, I will have you know. Much rehearsing and performing was done and, before you know it (You probably didn't know it until you read this), The Darkness were The Biggest Band In England! What a great place!

Early on Def Leppard took The Darkness under their wing, which was very generous since Def Leppard had already lost a wing in a tragic auto accident. But quite quickly The Darkness were much bigger than Def Leppard and I don't know why I'm even talking about the tired bastards. No Super Slick Mutt Lange Production for these knuckleheads, The Darkness sound like all the Great Seventies Bands like Kiss, Aerosmith, Queen, and Thin Lizzy with no unpleasant Early Eighties Hair Band aftertaste.

The Darkness' Big Song is "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" and if you don't already love that song you are a square and you suck. No really - Fuck off! "I Believe In A Thing Called Love" is The BEST! If Bruce Springsteen ever wrote a song that good he wouldn't make such an ass of himself singing "This Land Is Your Land" to pussies at political rallies. If Michael Jackson had ever written a song that good he could have gotten plastic surgery to make his face look like Jim Morrison's dick and lived to be ninety-seven. Who else I feel like insulting? If Wil Forbis . . . Nah, too easy.

The Darkness were only beginning to make an impression on American Rock Fans, most of whom were too busy laughing at that stupid Metallica documentary and wondering what Duff and Slash were doing with that asshole from Stone Temple Pilots to welcome any British Rock Musicians below the age of Sixty Six. But The Darkness has "Next Big Thing" written all over them and when it was announced that their second album would be Produced by Roy Thomas Baker, the Non- Mutt Lange Person behind Queen's "A Night At The Opera" White People all over the USA thought "Gosh, maybe I'll be going back into the Record Store again before I die after all. Oh, they don't sell 'records' anymore? 'CD's? Maybe I won't be going back in there again, after all. They sell crack in those places, don't they?"

Baker took almost as long to record "One Way Ricket To Hell . . . And Back" as he did on Guns N' Roses' "Chinese Democracy" (Which still wouldn't be finished if Axl hadn't fired him). They had more than a hundred guitars and even more speakers in the studio so Baker could record the guys playing every little guitar bit on every guitar through every speaker and then mix em together in every possible combination. They would still be at it if The Ghost Of Johnny Thunders hadn't materialised to tell em "Enough awready! Jeezus!" But I like "One Way Ticket To Hell . . . And Back". The songs, playing, and production are great and it's catchy as Hell . . . And Back.

At the height of Darkessmania I somehow stumbled into a job writing for the British music magazine Classic Rock, developing the kind of bond with The Darkness Ernie Pyle had with the United States Army during World War Two. Pyle compyled his war correspondence into a book entitled "Brave Men" and I am currently compiling my rock correspondence into a book entitled "Drugged Up Dipshits". But then . . . Everything went WRONG! The Darkness completely fell apart and I got fired by Classic Rock! Why? Well, the Editor said I was . . . Oh, you meant why did The Darkness fall apart? Well, excuse me for livin'!

First of all, Frankie got fired! Why? What did Frankie do? Did he nail somebody's girlfriend? Did he punch somebody in the nose? Did he drive somebody's car into somebody's swimming pool? No? No? No? So what did Frankie do? He hired an Accountant to look over The Darkness' books and make sure everything was on the up and up. What? That is worst Got Fired From The Band Story I have ever heard! Shit, if Brian Jones had hired an Accountant to go over The Stone's books he'd still be alive, Keith Richards would have drowned in a swimming pool, and The Stone's Lead Singer would be an old Black Lady. Frankie was replaced by Dan's Baldheaded Guitar Tech.

And then Justin quit! Why? No, not because he's too cool to be in a band with baldheaded bass player - He was so messed up on cocaine he spent every penny he had on the shit and Very Frightening Men were threatening to break his skinny little British Rock Star legs. So he went into Rehab where all the Very Frightening Men are allowed to do is take away your cigarettes if you don't eat all of your veggies.

Without Frankie and Justin the other guys have changed the band's name to Stone Gods (Great idea) and promoted that bald headed guy to Lead Singer (Horrible idea).

Justin has a new bad called Hot Leg and I'm sure it's great, but - Hey! Why all this intrigue over the Second Place Winner on "American Idol" possibly becoming the new Lead Singer in Queen when Justin Hawkins is available? I'm embarrassed just to be writing about "American Idol", why's a classy guy like Brian May leaving messages on that greaseball's machine? He ain't even British! Yeah, he's gay, so he's almost British. But Justin's British and he sounds like he's gay so what's the Big Diff? You think if Steven Tyler was dead Joe Perry would be on "American Idol" with . . . What? JOE PERRY'S BEEN ON "AMERICAN IDOL"!?! SHIT!! What about Ace Frehley? Oh, he was supposed to be on it but he got mixed up and wound up on "Judge Judy" - "I'm sorry, Mister Ace, but if you want to sue The Guy With The Big Tongue you have to bring him here in court with you. Or at least be able to remember his name."

So, that's The End of The Darkness, but at least we've got Hot Leg and Stone Gods to bug the neighbors late at night with. Tell ya what, you take the Stone Gods CD, I'll take the Hot Leg CD, and I'll get to "Chinese Democracy" before ye! Seriously though, I just ordered the Hot Leg CD online and if they deliver it before I finish this article I'll write a lot of silly jokes about it and annoy the shit out of everybody. And Stone Gods - Classic Rock thinks they're just wonderful but if they know anything why did they sack John Saleeby, a Struggling Lad With A Heart Gull O' Cholesterol? I blame that damn cartoonist! Eh, I'm not afraid to admit that it's all my fault. I'll probably get dumped from Acid Logic for this mess of an article. Shit! Where can I get hold of some coke? I wanna get some coke right now!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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Additional The Darkness: Guitar video - Some weirdo demonstrates how to play "I believe in a thing called love.". Motherfucker got buff! Wikipedia on the band