An individual exhibiting such uniqueness or individuality that he or she will cause a roomful of bar cronies to exclaim, "That's one interesting motherfucker!" Actual sexual relations with one's mother are not required.
I can't help it - I've always loved pictures of beautiful girls without any clothes on! Blame it all on Grandpa - There I was, an innocent little three year old looking at a pile of magazines like Time, Life, and Esquire in his den when all of a sudden I came upon the latest issue of Playboy. I was just sitting there looking at pictures of this and that when it gradually dawned on me that I was looking at a magazine full of beautiful girls without any clothes on! I had never seen such a thing. And here was a picture of two other such things I had never seen before! And two other such things I'd never seen before on the ends of the two other such things I'd never seen before! And these other two things - I'd seen legs before but I'd never seen legs like that before and who ever knew that a butt - A BUTT, of all things! - could be so . . . pretty? Butts could be pretty? Maybe there was more to this life than I'd ever thought was possible? I don't know, but before I could figure it out I noticed that my Grandpa was falling out of his easy chair laughing at me slobbering all over pictures of naked chicks. But he didn't make me stop, either.
And Thank God I never did stop because after seventeen years of Barbi Benton and Ursula Andress I finally discovered the Beautiful Girl Without Any Clothes On Of My Dreams - Nina Hartley. God, I had the biggest crush on her. She was just so CUTE! Yeah, yeah, yeah, she was a real hot piece of ass and I spent a lot of time thinking about her THAT way while my cat Spike was banging on the door going "Hey! What is going on in there?! Hey! Are you pretending to have sex with Nina Hartley again?Jesus! Why did I have to wind up with such a perv? Oh, and my water bowl's empty, too." but the most important thing was that Nina Hartley was always so nice looking. Not only was she really hot but, if I forgot to put water in my cat's bowl and Spike died of thirst, Nina would understand. Barbi Benton would go running down the street crying like a little bitch and Ursula Andress would pick me up and snap me like a twig, but Nina Hartley would understand.
Nina was always in this Grade B smut rag called Chic that featured pictures of beautiful young girls without any clothes on who performed in porno videos for a living. Nina Hartley was the perfect choice for a Chic girl as she has appeared in more than four hundred porn videos. (That number used to be seven hundred videos before they threw out everything she was in with Traci Lords. Don't get that joke? Good for you! Maybe you will get to go to Heaven after you die!) As a performer Nina is known for her willingness to do anything - Anal sex, lesbianism, S And M, interracial - Hey, I don't care, but when I found out she has a stand up comedy act I knew that this chick is messed up, that shit is just sick. Nina is also commonly said to have "The Best Butt In The Business". I wonder who they say about that in the retail office supply business? "Uh . . . Thanks a lot, guys."
As much as I loved looking at pictures of Nina in Chic I never got around to seeing her in any of her videos. This was still in the early Eighties and buying a VCR was as hard to comprehend for a troglodyte like me as having the oil in my car changed. But when it comes to pornography I'm a "Pictures" guy. Porno videos are a lot of fun but I don't think they're all that sexy. I think people just look kind of funny when they fuck. I would have said "when we fuck" but, hey, it's been a while. Like this one totally fine girl I used to see in Penthouse named Hyapatia Lee - I was crazy about that woman! Then I saw her having sex in some video and all I could do was make Seinfeld style bits like "Hyapatia? What kind of name is Hyapatia? It sounds like some kind of a disease! I had sex with some chick in Penthouse and she gave me Hyapatia!" I can't help it! Everytime I see a porno video I get all "Mystery Theater 3000" and sit there making all kinds of jokes and funny voices and sound effects until it suddenly ends and I'm like "Oh, is it over now? But I forgot to beat off! Can you rewind it a little bit so I can beat off? Rewind it to the Chinese girl and the Traffic Cop! I promise I won't squint my eyes up and do all that 'Ching Chong! Me love you long time!' stuff! Wait! Let me get my gong out of the trunk of my car! That will be HILARIOUS!! I'll get my bong out of the trunk of my car, too - Oh, this will be a friggin' laugh riot!!"
Those of you who never look at porn (Guys with beautiful young wives who never want to have kids) will remember Nina as William H. Macey's Wife in "Boogie Nights". Did any Normal Citizens see that movie? I gave my Sister a DVD of it for Christmas and got the distinct impression that she was quite annoyed - And she's the one who's favorite movie is "GoodFellas"!?! Anyway, "Boogie Nights" is about the Seventies Porno Movie Business and William H. Macy, America 's Greatest Actor, plays a crew member who is constantly catching his porn actress wife having sex with different guys (Most of whom are not him). Exactly what Eugene O'Neil would be writing if he was alive today. And this poor bastard's Wife is played by . . . Oh, shit, I already told you. Should I tell ‘em what happens? Finally towards the end Nina is pregnant and when Macy goes inside The Do Nut Shop to . . . Oh, was that somebody else? Goddam, that is one complicated movie! But at least I've seen Nina in something aside from a magazine - And aside from all the crazy shit I've done with her inside my head. Boy, was that some good shit!
These days Nina is busy writing, producing, directing, and doing everything you can possibly imagine in front of the camera in a series of educational sex videos on such topics as spanking, bondage, sticking your finger up somebody's nose, and how to beat off while a thirsty cat is banging away on your bedroom door. But wasn't that the Big Defense for porno movies in the first place (I bet the first place for porno movies was France ) - that they were of such great educational value? Seems to me that anybody who can't understand sex without an educational video would be better off just forgetting the whole thing and getting into Dungeons and Dragons. If you can produce a video that helps a guy like that get his worm wet you are truly doing the Devil's Work. Like that old saying "No sex, please - We're English". Someone remind Hollywood of that before they cast Jude Law as a Romantic Lead again. I tried writing that joke about a hot English female but I couldn't think of one. Oh, that girl in "Cradle Of Fear" who had sex with a demon and then a spider burst out of her stomach. Well, she was hot before the spider burst out of her stomach! Is that why Elizebeth Hurley isn't hot anymore? Did a spider burst out of her stomach? If only she had stayed with Hugh Grant! Hhhmm, maybe there's a need for educational porno videos after all . . .
If Nina Hartley really wants to put her experience to educational use she should go to Japan and teach those poor people how to produce halfway decent pornography. What the hell is wrong with those people? They've got the most beautiful girls in the World but their smut is about as hot as a Tex Avery "Droopy" cartoon! Is that stupid Russ Meyer over there calling the shots? Get rid of him! He's TERRIBLE!!
Hey, Nina Hartley! Get over to Japan and Save Pornography! We can fly over together - I'm going over there to spend three years in a Zen Buddhist monastery. I gotta do something to save my soul after all the time I've spent staring at your oft fucked butt. And now I'm writing articles about you? Geez, I am gonna burn . . . Thanks a lot, Grandpa!!
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wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand
up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com,
Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication
now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
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