By John Saleeby

"They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore" has a shot of John running around on top of this great big old house yelling at another character offscreen and coming within about one tenth of one inch of stepping right off the roof and plunging to a certain death. Nathan, The Cameraman, doesn't make a sound to stop him - He's gotta get the shot! HARD CORE!

The Formulative Experience Of Nathan's Childhood was when his Unsuspecting Mom And Pop took him to see a Double Feature of - You are gonna love this, this is so beautiful I'd like to see it in a French bikini by a palm tree in the sand - Mel Brooks' "The Twelve Chairs" and Wes Craven's "The Last House On The Left". Now is that the cutest thing you have ever heard in your life or is that the cutest thing you have ever heard in your life? I rented those two movies and watched em one night - What the hell, The Replacements have split up and Bill Murray doesn't make comedies anymore, what else is there to do? - and all the essential Schiff elements were there! Am I a lonely guy or what? Hey, I almost got married once, but if "The Twelve Chairs" and "Last House On The Left" could result in such a thing as "Long Island Cannibal Massacre" how could I have kids with that crazy woman?

Super Eight Nate was so cool he didn't have any more use for that Film School racket than Woody Allen did. Film School! I did some dumb stuff when I was a kid but even I was too cool and try and con my parents into giving me money to go to freakin' Film School. Never tried to get an electric guitar out of em, either, I would like you all to know. Nathan took some film production courses at The New School  but dropped out. Drop outs RULE! If Nathan had been the kind of guy who would complete a filmmaking course at The New School he'd come out of it with an idea for a movie, but first he'd take a short story writing course at The New School. But before he'd make his movie or write a short story he'd take a basket weaving class at The New School. But before he's make a movie, write a story, or weave a basket he'd take a Chinese cooking class . . . The New School is that kinda place. Scott Blakeman taught a comedy writing course there!*

After completing "Long Island Cannibal Massacre" Nathan went to Manhattan and did what any young man interested in a career in the motion picture industry would do - Spend four years working in a luxury hotel. Uh, maybe Nathan wasn't all that interested in a career in the motion picture industry, after all? The early Eighties were the "Yuppie Era" when Greed and Unbridled Ambition were all over Manhattan like Flesh Ripping Weasels and Massackerin' Cannibals were running amok on Long Island just a short while earlier. Working in a hotel full of those cold blooded Yuppie cocksuckers, Nathan was witness to the kind of viciousness and savagery that could only result in a movie as full of blood and guts and blood and guts and then a whole lot more blood and guts as "They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore" which stars John Smihula as a Texas Redneck who goes to Long Island to work as a gardener for the coke snorting Yuppie Scum of Suburbia and goes on a wacky killing spree. Nathan originally intended the film as a "satire" but then he found out John was going to Africa with The Peace Corps in a few days so they just made an all out gore movie. And that's fine with me, any young man who wants to do something to Make A Better World For The Children Of Tomorrow is much better off going to Africa than staying here and doing "satire". Seems to me that here in the United States we're up to our eyeballs in people doing "satire", just think What A Wonderful World This Would Be if they stopped writing all those corny "Dick Cheney" jokes and joined The Peace Corps to go to Africa and do whatever the fuck Peace Corps people do in Africa. Yeah, let's ship Jon Stewart and those queers at "The Daily Show" to Ethiopia for a year if they're really so goddam "concerned" about everything.

JON STEWART: Well, we're all leaving for Ethiopia tonight so we don't have time to write any our usual satirical jabs at the hypocrisy of American society, so . . . Let's just do a thing where I kill Condoleeza Rice and then tear her apart and look at all of her guts for half an hour! That would be great!

And Fred was too busy to be in the movie, anyway - He was working at the Homeless Blind Veterans With AIDS Shelter. These guys were willing to LAY IT ON THE LINE, MAN!

JON STEWART: Don't forget to mention how much money I make like every other article about me!

Judging from the interviews and commentary tracks on the DVDs of his movies, Nathan is a likeable, mild mannered fella, the kind of sardonic  New Yorker you might find waiting to get up and tell a few jokes at The Improv or The Comic Strip. . . No, wait a minute, I take it back - Nate's too funny to waste his time with those losers. He's been offered a million chances to direct low budget horror movies out of other people's scripts but can't be bothered with that crap. I guess filming the horrible things that you've got inside your mind is one thing but filming the horrible things that some other sick bastard has inside his mind is another. "What? And then he cuts her head off!? That is just awful! Yeah, yeah, I know what I had in that movie I made twenty five years ago but that was twenty five years ago! I was just a kid! Look at you - You're old enough to be a grandfather! Get away from me! You should be ashamed of yourself!" It seems to me the only way to make a movie full of people getting tortured, chopped up, eaten, and all that sort of activity is to spend your own money and do the whole thing yourself. If George Romero had tried to get Tobe Hooper to direct "Night Of The Living Dead" Tobe would have cut George up and made barbeque out of him and if Tobe had tried to get George to direct "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre" George would have shot Tobe in the head, taken the body outside, and burned it - Which is pretty much the same thing as barbeque, so don't ever go to one of those guy's Fourth Of July parties.

Do Jews barbeque? Do they celebrate the Fourth Of July? Is Jon Stewart looking to hire a gardener?

" . . . nothing will ever change until the Atomic Bomb goes off."

Aw, Nate - Lighten up! Look! "Godzilla"s comin' on!

* That's a little joke for me and everybody else who was doing stand up comedy in New York during the late eighties.

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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Meet some other Interesting Motherfuckers: Ray Walston by John Saleeby From My Favorite Martian to Mr. Hand. Mitch Hedberg by John Saleeby The last of the comedy greats! Al Jafee by Wil Forbis Mad Magazine's cartoon master. GG Allin by Wil Forbis Even punks loathed the performer who pushed past the bouderies. David Allan Coe by Wil Forbis Country's obscene outlaw walks the line. Bernie Casey by John Saleeby The blaxploitation star who rose from the ghetto of professional football. Bret Easton Ellis by Tom Waters Peruse the critical overview and interview with the fiction superstar. Phil Lynott by Wil Forbis Thin Lizzy's frontman rose from the streets of Ireland to the heights of rock stardom and then descended into the pit of drug abuse. Louis CK by Sean C Tarry Marvel at this stand up's ability to phrase the opposite of every song. Sho Kosugi by Wil Forbis Fear the power of the Ninja! Fear it, Bitch! Bill Hicks by Cody Wayne The mind expanding comedian gets his due. Warren Zevon by Xander Horlyk A literary look at "a moralist in cynic's clothing." Pam Grier by John Saleeby Sweet Christmas! It's the queen of blaxploitation, Foxy Brown herself! Jack Webb by John Saleeby When he created the elite police unit of "Dragnet," Jack Webb laid the first blow against the scourge of America: Hippies! Doris Wishman by Wil Forbis The prolific adult film maker, whose work includes the classic Chesty Morgan movies, is probed and prodded. Dave Thomas by John Saleeby Wendy's Dave Thomas was all about Biggie Fries, Frosties and love. Spike Milligan by John Saleeby Read up on the life of the British comedy scribe. Toshiro Mifune by Wil Forbis The Japanese actor who slashed his way through a thousand samurai movies. Nina Hagen by Wil Forbis The Wagnerian Banshee who created the blueprint for punk/funk/opera. Bob and Tommy Stinson by John Saleeby Get to know the real talents of eighties punk sensations, The Replacements. Tom Savini by John Saleeby The king of latex gore. And there's even more on our main page!

Additional Nathan Schiff Material: Sleazegrinder interviews Schiff : What insightful probing questions will he ask? Bleeding Skull looks at Super 8 Cinema: Scroll down for a section on Nathan. Flickhead looks at Nathan : It's Schifferific!