By Johnny Apocalypse

For nine years now, Maddox has been rocking the world with his website, "The Best Page in the Universe".  The web page is simply about everything he likes and, more then anything, everything he hates.  Each update is filled with rants about vegetarians, politicians (right wing and left), and the decline and eventual fall of everything manly.

With his first book, "The Alphabet of Manliness", hitting the book stores, he stands a good chance of either boosting his fan base or (far less likely) decimating it.  How could such a master of comedy and anger destroy his own fan base?  Simply put, the book is the most sexist thing in print since the works of Frederich Nietzsche.  And with a title like that, what else could you expect?

While most of Maddox's writing is in something of a "stage persona", a great many people have accused him of sexism, intolerance and being the antichrist.  Looking deeper into several pages on his site, he admits that he really doesn't give a damn one way or the other about the topics he covers.  Regardless, to this day he receives praise and staunch criticism about his work.

Once you learn to take Maddox with a pinch of salt, you have opened to door to a mastermind's ravings.  His comedy is a blend of George Carlin and Lewis Black; he's angry, he says exactly what he wants and he'll be damned if anyone can shut him up.  The fullest usage of our freedom of speech.

While Maddox claims to be a pirate, who's the real man behind the eye patch?  In preparation for this article, I tried to contact Maddox for an interview.  At first he seemed interested, but then tragedy befell: he began his book signing tour.  With Maddox either unable or unwilling to contact me, I thought to myself "hell, I'll just do another fake interview like on my Bruce Campbell article".

But why tire that joke out?  As I pride myself on being a man of ideas, without further ado, I present a brief timeline biography of Maddox.

Authors note: The following timeline was pieced together from Maddox's website and ancient Sumerian legend.  Since I don't speak Sumerian, I cannot qualify the accuracy of this timeline.

1792, exact date unknown: French soldiers discover tablets inscribed with hieroglyphs.  One pictogram stands out: a man with an eye patch and massive pecs, standing over a kingdom of serfs while proclaiming freedom.  Believing the tablet to be of strong historical value, the soldiers carefully preserve it.

1799: After Pierre-François Bouchard's discovery of the Rosetta Stone, the hieroglyphs can now be translated.  The tablet tells the story of "the chosen one", a man destined to release all of humanity from the tyrannical powers of pussyness.  Now believing the tablet to be bullshit, the French send it to America as a poorly planned prank.

October 31, 1975: A child is born to a lumberjack and the daughter of a pirate.  Shunning conventional names like Anthony and George, they name the baby "Maddox".  Upon birth, the father decides that the infant shall be fed nothing but beef jerky.

Unknown to all, the Egyptian legend has been fulfilled.

November 2, 1975: Baby Maddox is taken to meet his grandparents.  The grandmother faints after one glance, encouraging his grandfather to perform an exorcism.  The crucifix he uses bursts into flames.

February 18, 1979: Maddox has his first taste of a McDonald's hamburger.  As a result, the ball pit in the playground begins to smell like an outhouse.

September 7, 1980: Maddox's first day at preschool, where he encounters Billy, a five year old who proclaims that eating meat is wrong.  Startled by the audacity of the boy, Maddox head butts him to death.  He is later acquitted of the murder, convincing the judge that vegetarianism was the real crime.

December 12, 1980: The chosen one discovers talk radio, forever changing his life.  He calls in, tells the hosts that all politicians blow goats and that feminism is nothing but sexist fascism.  The radio hosts proclaim him enlightened and build a shrine in his name.

January 23, 1982: Maddox's school teachers recognize the youth as a prodigy and have him start teaching the classes.  The school is later sued by angry parents.

July 10, 1985: Maddox discovers the concept of lesbians, and devotes his life to seeking out and ogling these women.

August 15, 1988: The author crashes a vegetarian rally, stomping the asses of everyone present while barbequing enough steaks to feed the entire country of Ethiopia.  News reporters mistake the disaster as the first hurricane to localize in Utah.

May 25, 1994: Maddox graduates from High School as Valedictorian and Salutatorian, with the highest grades ever achieved in a public school.

May 26, 1994: Maddox is found celebrating his graduation in China.  The communist government falls.

August 8, 1994: The chosen one enrolls in the University of Utah, choosing Math for a major, seeking to make the practice the most manly science in the world.

Several professors in the Mathematics Department suffer ominous seizures.

January 30, 1995: Maddox realizes the expenses of the college life and takes a job as a programmer for a corporation.  After discovering that he is being transformed into a lifeless zombie, he mail bombs the company executives and begins to bring the company down from the inside.

October 31, 1996: Maddox celebrates his twenty first birthday by drinking a gallon of boiler-makers, bagging a bus full of supermodels and head butting a feminist movement headquarters until the building collapses.

April 27, 1997: The internet is forever tarnished as "The Best Page in the Universe" is born.

May 1, 2002 : Maddox travels back in time to 3050 B.C. and forges a hieroglyph tablet with his likeness.

June of 2006: "The Alphabet of Manliness" is released.  A printing press explodes, killing seven, due to excessive amount of awesomeness being jammed into one book.

Present: Maddox is currently on his book signing tour, rocking faces everywhere he goes and is finally able to pick and choose from his groupies.

The only bad side to unleashing this man unto the world had become plagiarism.  Hundreds of people have begun to steal his writing and images, claiming them as their own and mass mailing it to others.  People who still have a dash of originality simply copy his style.

What does Maddox think about all of this?  He doesn't give a shit if people copy his style, but he has big problems with people claiming his work as their own.  But he doesn't need to take any action against these people; his fans do the work for him.  Meanwhile, he has begun adding a copyright label to any and all images he creates.

So what does the future hold for the pirate?  Who knows.  With a comic book on the way and more online insanity waiting to be written, the sky's the limit.  Frankly, I can really see Maddox getting his own TV talk show, but as he refuses to be censored, it will be difficult to find a network and sponsors to carry this (principally because networks and sponsors don't know good entertainment when they see it).

Regardless, Maddox's influence continues to spread across the globe.  His website has received over one hundred million different visitors and its popularity continues to grow to this very day.  As Maddox has pointed out time and time again, he is something of a modern revolutionary taking the world by storm.

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Additional Maddox Material: The Best Page in the Universe: The only site you need (besides acid logic).