An individual exhibiting such uniqueness or individuality that he or she will cause a roomful of bar cronies to exclaim, "That's one interesting motherfucker!" Actual sexual relations with one's mother are not required.
By John "God Help Me" Saleeby
If it wasn’t for Jack Chick I would be in Hell for sure. It happens nine or ten times a day - I’ll be out of my Mind with anger and hatred, one second away from knocking some friggin’ idiot on the head with whatever object is at hand, and the first object at hand is one of those Jack Chick Christian Comic Books about a guy who strays from God’s Way and winds up Burning In A Sea Of Fire. Nothing stops me from knocking some friggin’ idiot on the head faster than looking at a cartoon of a guy Burning In A Sea Of Fire on one of those Jack Chick Comic Books! Man, one glimpse of a guy Burning In A Sea Of Fire and NO WAY am I going to be knocking anybody on the head! I know a lot of people make fun of Jack Chick and his Comic Books but if it wasn’t for Jack Chick and all those Comic Books thousands - Maybe MILLIONS! - of innocent people would have been knocked on the head by John Saleeby. Yes, if it wasn’t for Jack Chick YOU might have been knocked on the head by John Saleeby! American Society as we know it would have been impossible without Jack Chick and all those Comic Books! Even though it sometimes seems we have been buried beneath a Mountain of Jack Chick Comic Books - They’re EVERYWHERE! - it is all those cartoons of a guy Burning In A Sea Of Fire that have done so much maintain Order and Decency in Modern America. What would Our Nation be like today if we all didn’t look at a cartoon of a guy Burning In A Sea Of Fire every two or three minutes of every day of our Lives? That shit will keep your ass in line! Uh . . . wait a minute . . . I’ve just seen a cartoon of a guy Burning In A Sea Of Fire in a Jack Chick Comic Book . . . Let’s change “That shit will keep your ass in line!” to “Jack Chick will make you behave like a Good Christian!”. Okay. Now I feel better.
When Jack Chick was a Boy he flunked the First Grade because all he did was draw pictures of Airplanes. Didn’t he know about guys Burning In A Sea Of Fire yet? Here’s a surprise - Before Jack Chick was a Cartoonist he was an ACTOR! Weird! I imagine he played the Big Scary Gary Busey parts. That’s who I imagine when I think of Jack Chick - Gary Busey. That’s how scary his Comic Books are. If Jack Chick had never become a Cartoonist he’d play the Killer in all those Slasher Movies. Or maybe he’d play the Slasher in all those Killer Movies. Whatever you want, Jack Chick! Just don’t hurt me! Anyway, Jack Chick’s Acting Career was interrupted by World War Two. Thank You, Hitler! Jack Chick was Drafted and served throughout Asia where he witnessed so much suffering and poverty he became interested in becoming a Missionary. Hey, I saw suffering and poverty in Central America when I was in the Army and all I wanted to do was become a Comedian! And now I have more suffering and poverty in my Life than Asia and Central America put together! Bummer!
After the War Jack Chick got Married but Missus Chick discouraged his Missionary ambitions because an Aunt of hers saw an alligator bite a guy’s leg off somewhere in one of those alligator countries. This was The Beginning of Jack Chick’s Cartoonist Career! “Really? An alligator bit his leg off? An alligator bit his leg off? What did it look like? Huh? What did it look like?” and drew ten million pictures of an alligator biting a guy’s leg off.” “Uh oh!” Ma Chick declared “I think we were better off when all he drew was pictures of airplanes!” Jack Chick’s first success with Preaching God’s Message came when he did a Bible Class for Prison Inmates which somehow involved drawings of guys getting their legs bitten off by alligators and most of the Prisoners were instantly converted to Christianity! Hallejulah! They still wanted Jack Chick to draw Racist Prison Tattoos all over them after Class but they were converted to Christianity never the less. And nobody knows what “never the less” means more than a Prison inmate who has been converted to Christianity. Then one day someone told Jack Chick that the Communist took over China by scattering Comic Books all over the place. Mao’s Little Red Book was a Little Red Comic Book? The Great Wall was a Great Wall of Little Red Comic Books? Jack Chick took the Little Red Comic Book idea and ran with it. He had to run because when you steal from a Country with as many people as China you are going to have a lot of people coming after you! Go Jack Chick Go!
Jack Chick is a notorious recluse and there are only two photographs of him - His High School Yearbook picture and a shot of him backstage at “The Glenn Beck Gumbo Hoedown” with Kirk Cameron and some guy from “Duck Dynasty”. He refuses to appear in the Media but his Work is so extreme Hollywood Pissy Pants want nothing to do with him anyway. And what if he suddenly decided to be on TV? Soon as they heard Jack Chick was coming over they’d tear the Studio apart, put it back together into one of those Transformer monsters, and chase him away. You know, like they’re getting ready to do to Glenn Beck, Kirk Cameron, and those “Duck Dynasty” guys. That might be worth getting Cable to see.
No wonder everybody thinks Christians are so messed up with all those crazy Jack Chick Comic Books scattered Hither And Yon Across The Purple Prince’s Majesty! Jack Chick hates everybody! He gives God’s Love a Bad Name!
BACKGROUND VOCAL: Bad Name!
Shut up, Bon Jovi! I hate Bon Jovi but I don’t hate everybody! I bet Jack Chick is so Hateful he hated Elizabeth Banks spoofin’ on Donald Trump at the Democratic Convention! Chill out, Jack Chick! She was CUTE! I bet Jack Chick hates Johnny Cash! “Burning Ring Of Fire? Whoever heard of a Burning Ring Of Fire? That’s stupid! You ever try to draw a picture of a Burning Ring Of Fire? Now, a Burning Sea Of Fire - That is a Song!
(Jack Chick Sings) I FELL INTO A BURNING SEA OF FIRE!!!”
“Flesh eating bacteria!?! Flesh eating bacteria!?! That’s even better than an alligator biting a guy’s leg off while he’s Burning In A Sea Of Fire!!!! Let me see what that looks like!!”
What? Jack Davis died? And I just spent all this Time writing an article about Jack Chick? Eh, Jack Davis went to Hell anyway . . .
John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
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