By John Saleeby

Fred Dalton Thompson is an attorney. Fred Dalton Thompson is an actor. Fred Dalton Thompson is a former Senator. Fred Dalton Thompson is a big mean redneck. A really big mean redneck - How else do you think he could get away with being an attorney, an actor, and a Senator without getting tied up in a sack and thrown into the sea? The only thing worse than an attorney is an actor and the only thing worse than an actor is a Senator. Everybody knows the old Shakespeare line "First we kill all the lawyers" but how many people know that in Shakespeare's original draft the line was "First we kill all the lawyers and then we beat the piss out of all the actors and then we feed all the Senators to the pigs and send all the pigs to the moon"? Everybody knows that lawyers are the most hated people in America but it will be just two or three more Kevin Spacey movies until actors are right up there with 'em. And Senators? If you're not aware of how much you hate those weasels it's probably because your homicidal urges towards them are so deep inside your mind they are hardly necessary to acknowledge, like your natural loathing of snakes, spiders, and Eastern Europeans.

Young Fred first came to national prominence in the seventies when he served as Minority Counsel to the Senate Watergate Committee, Special Counsel for both the Senate Foreign Relations and Intelligence Committees, and Big Mean Redneck Counsel to the Senate Let's Be Movie Stars And Get Girls Committee. Even as well informed a scholar as myself was surprised to learn how extensive Fred's involvement in the Watergate affair was. For those of you too young to remember the details of Watergate - The dirty stinking homo commie junkies hated President Nixon because he thought it was time somebody got a little God damn work done around here so they told a lot of lies about him on TV and chased him out of office - THE END. Anybody tells you otherwise take em out in the woods and shoot em. But don't get caught, during the Carter Administration the dirty stinking Homo commie junkies had shooting people made against the law.

By this time Fred Dalton Thompson was such a Larger Than Life Character that in his first movie, "Marie", he played the role of "Fred Dalton Thompson". That's right, Fred was such an incredible, amazing person that there wasn't a single actor in the entire entertainment industry capable of portraying him on the silver screen. Either that or he slept with the producer. I've never seen "Marie" because it stars Sissy Spacek and I'm already taking so many pills to treat my depression I excrete solid waste in gelatin capsules. I don't know what it's about but I think at the end of it Fred dumps a bucket of pig blood on Marie's head so she kills everybody through telekinesis. Boy, that telekinesis scares me so much I don't have a telephone or a television in the house - Although I still tell-a-joke from time to time! But seriously, folks, "Marie" tells the True Story of a big investigation into the Tennessee state government that actually led to the governor being sent to prison! I'll pause long enough for all you guys in Greenwich Village to grab a guitar and write a protest song. Wait, forget the song - Run over to Washington Square Park and get me a dime bag, they're playing "The Wall" on VH-1 tonight. I don't know who plays the governor in "Marie" although when he goes to prison he gets played by a whole bunch of guys. Fred played a heroic role in this scandal and became such a Media Darling that Hollywood quickly had him pegged as a "Natural". No wonder all these two bit politicians have been so hammy lately - Just the other night on Channel Sixteen a city councilman got up in the middle of a debate about zoning regulations and did a monologue from "Death Of A Salesman" that had the Mayor crying like a baby. My lawyer is currently taking tap and modern dance lessons in preparation for a run at State Senate. Good Luck, Pork Chop!

Fred's Big Mean Redneck character usually appears in two movie contexts - 1) The Good Big Mean Redneck. The Good Big Mean Redneck comes into the movie and tells everybody stuff like "Awright now, boys - In about three minutes ten million pissed off Red Chinese are gonna come in here and try to make Sweet And Sour United States Marine Corps Ass outta each n' every one of you. But you know what? I'm not worried about it! I'm not worried about it because you boys are the best! I'm not worried about it because you boys know how to kick butt! I'm not worried about it because I'm gonna hop onto this helicopter and get the hell outta here! Semper Fi! You know what's my favorite Rolling Stones song? 'Semper Fi For The Devil'!" and then everybody is like "Yeeeaaahh!! Let's do it!! Yeeeaahh!!" and they run off and save the world. And then - 2) The Bad Big Mean Redneck. The Bad Big Mean Redneck comes in and tells everybody stuff like "Now, I have seen some sorry ass summer camp life guards in my time but I have never seen a sorry assier bunch of summer camp life guards than the bunch I am lookin' at right now while that lil' girl in the lake is yellin' 'Help! My legs have been bitten off by an alligator and I can't swim!' Dang nabbit, quit sittin' there lookin' at me and my big flappy fish lips and get in that lake and save that lil' gal! Uh oh, she's dead. Never mind. Damn!" and then everybody is like "We're not gonna let Mister Fish Lips down, are we!?! We're gonna have The Best Summer Ever!! Yeeeaaahh!! Let's do it!! Yeeeaahh!!" and they run off and save the world. Whatta Man! I haven't been so choked up since Puck's wedding on MTV. But why the hell didn't Pedro show up?

When you're a big mean redneck like Fred and you are an actor it is inevitable that you get cast as an evil white supremacist - When I was in New York I used to go into bars and snarl about Al Sharpton for free drinks, spare change, and cigarettes - and Fred was cast as such a delightful character in Michael Mann's NBC "Crime Story" series. People swear "Crime Story" was the greatest thing in the history of TV but this was back in my drug days and I couldn't turn on my TV set without psychedelic psychotic samurais coming out of the screen to scare the shit out of me. I might have risked it if I had been aware that Jerry Lewis and The Diceman were on "Crime Story" but nobody told me. Maybe they did tell me, but everything sounded like "John, run over to Washington Square Park and get a dime bag" in those days. But it's a damn shame I missed Fred on that show. I needed a Positive Role Model at the time and Fred's noble example might have been just the thing to head off my tragic "Red Buttons Is God" phase.

Once Fred declared that he was running for the Senate everybody made fun of his campaign because all of a sudden he was driving all over Tennessee in a red pick up truck trying to pass himself off as some kind of Good Ol' Boy. Nobody had ever seen Fred in a red pick up truck in his life and now there he was trying to pass himself off as some kind of jackanapes in a Bruce Springsteen video. I guess every few miles Fred would pull over to the side of the road, take a shotgun down from the rack, and shoot something. Like people in Tennessee are so dumb that would make em want to vote for him. "Damn! You saw that!?! He shot a garbage bag full of leaves and rotten Chinese food! The man's got my vote, by golly!" Then again, these were the same people who had already elected Al Gore so they'll probably fall for anything. I bet Gore was riding around the state in a Chinese rickshaw passing out copies of "The Silent Spring" and Chairman Mao's Little Red Book. Hopefully Tipper was pulling the rickshaw, she could use the exercise. More Phoney Baloney - No sooner was Fred running for Senate then all of a sudden Lorrie Morgan - Country singer and really cute piece of patoot - was his Girlfriend. Way To Go, Fred! Now, if it had been me running for office I woulda gone for Shania Twain. I bet Fred flew to Europe just to flip a coin with Mutt Lange - Heads, Fred gets Shania, Mutt gets Lorrie Tails - Fred gets Lorrie, Mutt gets Shania. "And it's . . . TAILS!!" "Awww . . . " But soon as Fred was elected Lorrie was his Ex Girlfriend - Huh?!? Did anybody get a chance to sniff Fred's finger while he was tooling around in that pick up truck? This is what all of us down south were gossiping about before Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake came along. What were ya'll talking about out west and up north? Probably what a bunch of retards we are, same as usual.

One valuable service performed Senator Fred was playing the role of "Bill Clinton" in Bob Dole's rehearsals for the 1996 Presidential Debates. From the way things turned out it might have been better if Fred had played the role of "Bob Dole" in the actual debates and all of the Dole's campaign appearances. Naw, that wouldn't have worked - Clinton's too much of a crowd pleasing cheeseball to be upstaged by anyone with a minimum of class. As soon as the Democrats found out that the Republicans were bring in Fred to play Dole they woulda sent in Pamela Anderson on a Harley Davidson wearing a bikini made out of three Elvis postage stamps to play Bill Clinton and that would be the whole ball game. You can't possibly outsleaze the Democrats, even the Bolsheviks were more tasteful than those creeps. Whose movies would you rather want your children watching - Sergei Eisenstein's or Harvey Weinstein's? I rest my case.

(Uh, John - You can't rest your big fat case yet. You haven't gotten to the part where Fred quits the Senate to be on "Law And Order - Wil Forbis, Acid Logic Editor)

Oh, crap!

There was a great clamor when Fred quit the Senate to take an acting job on "Law And Order". Hey, what the heck - "Law And Order" is a good show, the United States Senate is so screwed up it couldn't even pull off the Clinton Impeachment. Being a Senator is so retarded that getting killed in a plane crash has more prestige. Paul Wellstone's Last Words: "Bury me next to a TV set, I don't want to miss my esteemed colleague Fred Dalton Thompson on 'Law And Order'! Oy, my tuchis is aflame!" (I'm going to Hell for these jokes.) And when I get there I will personally apologize to Paul Wellstone and his entire family. Jerry Orbach is on "Law And Order" - Is there anybody as cool as My Man Jerry Orbach in the Senate? No way! True, if Jerry was in the Senate he'd probably be a Democrat but since he's a New Yorker that woulda been the end of Senator Hillary right there! Nobody could win an election against Jerry Orbach - Nobody! You think Jerry Orbach is lame enough to die in anything as pussy as a plane crash? Jerry is so cool you could shut the engine down and rip the wings off and the plane would remain airborne just on the strength of Jerry's calm, cool, collected Orbach style! That's the kinda man I want Fred Dalton Thompson to be working with. Tom Daschle? Tom Daschle saw a urinal in an airport men's room once and tried to get a cappuccino out of it. He missed his flight but it didn't crash so that's okay.

I'm going to be big mean redneck just like Fred Dalton Thompson when I grow up. Me and the three idiots who work at the dump where I get my deep fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches are going to follow his Path To Glory just as John, Paul, George, and Ringo set forth on Elvis' forty years ago. Yes, America - As long as there are hysterical boobs running around screaming and yelling like hysterical little bitches there will be a need for big mean rednecks like Fred Dalton Thompson to slap the shit out of em before they really make assholes out of themselves. Remember what Acid Logic was like before I came along? Those people were on the verge of horoscopes and dessert recipes before I showed up.

Aw, who am I kidding? In 2008 Hillary is going to become Supreme Dragon Lady and all us rednecks will wind up in the UN death camps to subsist on boiled rocks and be human guinea pigs in scientific experiments run by the bass player of R.E.M. such as "What is the reaction of the redneck to a Margaret Cho cable special while I jump up and down on his testicles on a pogo stick while dressed up Julianne Moore in 'Far From Heaven'?". But that's allright, we won't even know the difference. Once you've made it through four years of Jimmy Carter in the White House anything is an improvement.

Oh no! I forgot the Barney Frank jokes!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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Additional Frank Gorshin Material: Fred Thompson.com : Hey, this isn't Fred's home page at all? Fred on Law and Order Enjoy him while you can cuz' nobody sticks around on that show. Lorrie Morgan's page Can you believe Fred was tapping that ass?