By John Saleeby

Hollywood Producers are not very cool guys, in general. Hell, Generals are cooler than Hollywood Producers. Who would you rather have a beer with - William Tecumsah Sherman or Irving Thalberg? You're going to tell me the drip who stuck those terrible Musical Production Numbers into those Marx Brothers Movies would be more fun to drink with than the guy who burned down Atlanta? Get outta here! Yeah, Roger Corman is cool but we only have to mention him because this is an Acid Logic article by John Saleeby and Tradition is Tradition. Now, Bob Rafelson and Bert Scheider - Those guys were such cool Hollywood Producers that they could have been Used Car Salesmen and I'd write an Acid Logic article about them. Those guys were so cool I don't know why I didn't write an Acid Logic article about them ten years ago. Oh, I know why I didn't - I was too busy writing eight hundred articles about Roger Corman. Sorry!

We'll start with Bob and Bert's most well known Production and gradually work our way down to the night Bert almost got his ass kicked by Frank Sinatra and Bob Hope at the Academy Awards. Bob and Bert became the Hottest Producers in Show Biz when they created - This is gonna knock you out so hard you are gonna forget all about the night Bert almost got his ass kicked by Frank Sinatra and Bob Hope at the Academy Awards - "THE MONKEES"!!! Frank who? Bob what? That's right, Dear Reader, if it wasn't for Bob Rafelson and Bert Scheider there would have been NO Monkees - No Davey Jones, no Mike Nesmith, no Mickey Dolenz! Did I forget one? Who cares about that guy? I can only go on with this Monkees thing without being a wise ass for so long. Take it from a guy who was a little kid in the early Sixties - If it wasn't for The Monkees in those days little kids wouldn't have had anything but that "Batman" show and by the mid Seventies we would have been so cynical and jaded we would have immediately caught on that Aerosmith were douchebags and God only knows what would have happened to Slash and Axl. Have I wandered off a little bit here? You've got to excuse me, I was a little kid in the early Sixties.

Maybe I should interrupt all this stuff about how great Peter Tork is to let you in on something about Bob Rafelson that very few people seem to be aware of - Bob Rafelson is one of the best Directors in Motion Picture History. Why aren't more people aware of that? I don't know. Why aren't more people aware that Mickey Dolenz is the Living Embodiment of Humor and Serendipity? We have got to get the word out (And the word I'm talking about ain't "Serendipity"!) - Bob Rafelson - Master Of Cinema! Martin Scorsese? Scorendipitous! Rafelson! Would that name look good on a t shirt? Cause I got a warehouse full of white t shirts getting mouldy in Jacksonville and if I can't figure out a way to sell em to Today's Teens on the internet I'm really gonna take a beating! Why doesn't Bob Rafelson get more respect as a Movie Director? It drives me out of my mind faster than a pervert with a van driving an abducted child into the woods. I guess it will take years and years for Bob to get his due as a Director. Like Alex Chilton. I mean it took Alex Chilton years and years to get some respect as a Pop Musician, not a Movie Director. Alex Chilton will never get any respect as a Movie Director. "Kangaroo" is a great song but have you ever seen the Movie version that he Directed? Tony Randall jumping up and down in a home made kangaroo costume? Dumb! But Bob Rafelson? Genius! He Directed "Five Easy Pieces"! How can you Direct a Movie as good as "Five Easy Pieces" without people in France walking around with your name tattooed on their asses? How? How?

It was with "The Monkees" that Bob's talent for pointing the camera in the right direction and splicing one image into another that really stepped up from windy chatter after seeing the latest Kurosawa import to actual LA Studio ACTION! This triumph lead to "Head", The Monkees' Feature Film Produced by Bob and Bert, Directed by Bob, and Written by Jack Nicholson! Wow! Not only would there have never been Peter Tork if it had never been for the Mercy of those Saintly Rafelson and Schneider dudes, but if they had decided to become Used Car Salesman (Just think of how the girls would carry on over you pulling into the parking lot if only they had gone into that most unfairly maligned of all professions) there might have never been a Jack Nicholson! The World would have been forced to resort to Rip Torn or . . . Gag . . . Choke . . . Bruce Dern! And even more Michael Douglas than we've already had to put up with!

"Head" was a dud but Bob and Bert's next Productions more than made for it - Dennis Hopper's "Easy Rider" and then Bob's "Five Easy Pieces", the Movie that finally made a Star out of Jack Nicholson. Yeah, he's in "Easy Rider" but only because they couldn't get Rip Torn. Rip Torn wanted more money than they could afford and where is Rip Torn now? Last Time I saw Rip Torn an elephant was jizzing all over him in a Tom Green Movie. Smart career move, Rip! That's even worse than Bela Lugosi turning down "Frankenstein" so Boris Karloff could get the gig and become a Big Star. Bela Lugosi may have hit the skids but at least he didn't have nutty Comedy guys jerking off elephants all over him. Lucky for him Lou Costello never thought of that! Rip Torn is so lame that while Jack Nicholson was writing "Head" Torn was writing a Movie script for The Banana Splits called "Nose". Get outta here, Rip Torn! Then Peter Bogdanovich showed up - Wait up, Rip! I'm going with you! - and Bob and Bert Produced Bogdanovich's Directoral debut "The Last Picture Show", the Movie that gave us Cybil Shepherd and if that doesn't make you as woozy as the Movie that gave you Jack Nicholson maybe you should give up on Movies altogether and go look at pictures in a museaum full of Europeans somewhere. Yeah, "The Last Picture Show" may be in black and white and depressing as Hell but Cybil Shepherd is so hot in this Movie you will break your TV set throwing yourself at the screen trying to get a smooch off of that little black and white minx. That's why it's called "The Last Picture Show", cause it's the last show you will ever see on your TV set. Put on a football helmet before putting on the DVD. They'll give you a football helmet at the DVD store when you rent it. Don't forget to return the helmet!

But nothing lasts in the City Of Dreams. Once Jack Nicholson became a Celebrity he got a big head and wouldn't talk to Bob and Bert any more! Bert's house was right across a canyon from Nicholson's and every night Bob and Bert would get wasted and go out to the backyard to yell "FUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUU, JACK!!! FUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUU, JACK!!!" while Roger Corman was at the bottom of the canyon puffing on a stale cigar butt stuck on a tooth pick and going "Oh, my goodness!"

Bert never quite achieved the level of Cinematic Mastery good ol' Bob did but at least he won an Academy Award for an anti Vietnam War Documentary he Produced called "Hearts And Minds". What? Academy Award? Academy Award? Yeah yeah yeah, okay . . . Bert got up there all full of Sixties Hollywood Liberal Hot Air and carried on like Jane Fonda with an Oscar and a Pecker while Frank Sinatra, Bob Hope, and John Wayne were backstage breaking Sammy Davis Junior into blunt instruments to beat Bert to death with. Man, that scene was so crazy they could have had Jon Stewart hosting the show and it still would have been entertaining! Too much!

Where was Bob while all that was going on? Probably out in his two story Bel Air Dog House on account of his wife dumping him for running around with every bimbo in town. Yes, Bob was a Big Time Ass Man and when his Wife divorced him it was even more of a loss than usual because apparently this poor spouse of his was some kind of "muse" and his Movies have never been the same since. Damn! Is that what happened to George Romero? And David Zucker? And Ken Russell? No, he's just dead. "And GOOD FOR HIM!" says Bob Rafelson. But Bob is still a good Director, we here at Acid Logic recommend "Mountains Of The Moon". Yes, next time you are in the mood for a historical epic about the Nineteenth Century British Expedition to discover the source of the Nile River "Mountains Of The Moon" is your best bet. Hey, I like it but I'm probably the only person who's ever seen it. Too bad the former Missus Rafelson wasn't there to say "A historical epic about the Nineteenth Century British Exedition to discover the source of the

Nile River!?! You and your crazy get rich quick schemes!!!" "Crazy get rich quick schemes?!? One of these days, Alice! One of these days! BANG!!! RIGHT TO THE MOUNTAINS OF THE MOON!!!"

And now Bert is gone and people only pay attention to Bob when he talks about Davey Jones. So we here at Acid Logic thought we'd offer a well deserved tribute to these lost giants of Hollywood History and maybe we'll do that one day when we figure out how to write something that is more than just a lot of stupid jokes. Maybe if we got married to some smart girls we'll be able to stop all this messing around and actually get something accomplished.

Screw that.

What do you think America? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

Meet some other Interesting Motherfuckers: Ray Walston by John Saleeby From My Favorite Martian to Mr. Hand. Mitch Hedberg by John Saleeby The last of the comedy greats! Al Jafee by Wil Forbis Mad Magazine's cartoon master. GG Allin by Wil Forbis Even punks loathed the performer who pushed past the bouderies. David Allan Coe by Wil Forbis Country's obscene outlaw walks the line. Bernie Casey by John Saleeby The blaxploitation star who rose from the ghetto of professional football. Bret Easton Ellis by Tom Waters Peruse the critical overview and interview with the fiction superstar. Phil Lynott by Wil Forbis Thin Lizzy's frontman rose from the streets of Ireland to the heights of rock stardom and then descended into the pit of drug abuse. Louis CK by Sean C Tarry Marvel at this stand up's ability to phrase the opposite of every song. Sho Kosugi by Wil Forbis Fear the power of the Ninja! Fear it, Bitch! Bill Hicks by Cody Wayne The mind expanding comedian gets his due. Warren Zevon by Xander Horlyk A literary look at "a moralist in cynic's clothing." Pam Grier by John Saleeby Sweet Christmas! It's the queen of blaxploitation, Foxy Brown herself! Jack Webb by John Saleeby When he created the elite police unit of "Dragnet," Jack Webb laid the first blow against the scourge of America: Hippies! Doris Wishman by Wil Forbis The prolific adult film maker, whose work includes the classic Chesty Morgan movies, is probed and prodded. Dave Thomas by John Saleeby Wendy's Dave Thomas was all about Biggie Fries, Frosties and love. Spike Milligan by John Saleeby Read up on the life of the British comedy scribe. Toshiro Mifune by Wil Forbis The Japanese actor who slashed his way through a thousand samurai movies. Nina Hagen by Wil Forbis The Wagnerian Banshee who created the blueprint for punk/funk/opera. Bob and Tommy Stinson by John Saleeby Get to know the real talents of eighties punk sensations, The Replacements. Tom Savini by John Saleeby The king of latex gore. And there's even more on our main page!

That's right... it's young Cybil Sherpherd in "The Last Picture Show." Get a good look... SICKO!

Additional Bob and Bert Material: Youtube trailer for Easy Rider! As seen in theaters! Wiki on Bob Get all the goods. Wiki on Bert Discover Schneider's secrets!