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"Birdie Num Num! Ha Ha! I said 'Birdie Num Num'!"

By John Saleeby
September 1 , 2011

Well, Knuckle heads, there's a new Red Hot Chili Peppers CD out (I think it's called "Another Gigantic Piece Of Crap") When those idiots put out another collection of their unique brand of very very bad Rock Music you usually think "My God! Shouldn't adult men behave like Human Beings instead of MONKEYS!? Come on! These guys are just AWFUL! They couldn't be any worse if TOMMY SHAW signed on as their New Frontman! Tiny Pixie Man reminds me of Cathy Rigby as Peter Pan! (Crazy puking Sound Effects)

Oh! you know what happened between that sentence and going crazy and running around acting like a Monkey instead of a Human Being? I found out that I didn't have to go to Work tonight but I had shown up anyway because, I'm a Monkey instead of a Human Being or something. And I go around making fun of The Red Hot Chili Peppers? I bet Flea never did that!

"Flea! What are you doing here?"

"What . . . I'm gonna play crazy slap bass and make nutty faces while I jump around -

"Flea, it's TUESDAY! It's your DAY OFF!"

"Today is Tuesday?"

"Yeah!"

"I was supposed to go to Paris to attend a video editing Workshop with Jean Luc Godard today! Oh! Oh! Oh!"

What a crazy experience! I MUST share that with my Acid Logic Readers!

Hey, Man, How you been? That's COOL! Me? Aw, I've been kinda sick. No big deal. Just kinda "Ugh!", ya know? Yeah, I got it from dealing with Forbis. At least if I was in League with Satan I'd get some pussy out of it, maybe a mansion, some boats . . . Aw, Shit! . . . Let me sit down . . . I've got to do a new article for Acid Acid . . . About what? Oh, GLENN HUGHES! Ha ha, you never heard of Glenn Hughes? GLENN HUGHES IS AWESOME!!!

I feel like crap.

I bet Nice Guy Chad Smith gets his Work Schedule ALL MIXED UP, too! Not only is Chad the Nice Guy Drummer for The Red Hot Chili Peppers (On "Red Hot Chili Pepper Days"- Chad puts on a Funny Rubber Monkey Mask and slouches past the kids all Ape-Like "Der der der . . . " "DUMB DAY!" "DADDY'S GOT A DUMB DAY!" "Der der . . . "), he's also the Drummer for Sammy Hagar's Chicken Fighter or whatever the fuck that stupid "SCREW YOU, EDDIE AND ALEX!!!" thing is supposed to be (On "Chicken Fighter Days" - Chad puts on a Funny Yellow Chicken Suit and clucks past the kids all barn yarded and Forhorn Leghorned "Now, Boy, I said I gotta go play with Mistuh Sammy Hagar! Mister Sammy Hagar, I said!" "Big Deal about Sammy Hagar, POPS!" "Now, Boy, Mister Sammy Hagar is a Gentleman and a Surfer! "Big Deal!" But best of all are Regular Nice Guy Days when Chad goes out to play with his Best Buddy Glenn Hughes, this old British Guy who used to play Bass in the DEEP PURPLE and was a Cocaine Addict until he got cleaned up and . . .

Yeah, on Regular Days Chad goes out to play Drums for Glenn Hughes. Looooooooonge Pause. Such a great big long ol' pause of silence I wish I had mentioned Glenn Hughes around here five years ago. Glenn Hughes is a Singer, a Bass Player, a Writer, a Producer, and Englishman. Though gods they were!

Now, I don't know about you but . . . Deep Purple? "Some stupid with a flare gun?" "My Woman From Tokyo"? Shouldn't that song be a whole lot SEXIER than it really is? Fuck, it's not Sexy at all! A song about his Woman from Tokyo and it's not even Sexy! It could be about his Woman from Baton Rouge and it would be sexier! Damn!

"Admit it, dude. You ain't got no woman from Tokyo."

"I do!"

"You don't!"

"I do!"

"Be honest."

"I do too have a Woman from Tokyo!"

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't. I was just trying to make one of the Stones' Roadies jealous."

Those aren't Glenn Hughes' songs, though. They probably sounded a whole lot cooler when he played on em but those those are not Glenn Hughes songs.

I always imagine Glenn Hughes as being like that British Rock Star Russell Brand plays in those dumb shit Judd Apatow Movies. I like Russell Brand, they should try putting him in some better Movies. To Hell with Russell Brand, they should put Glenn Hughes in some Movies!

So here's this Old British Rock Musician, reformed Drug Addict, Living in Los Andeles, Used to be in Deep Friggin' Purple, His Best Friend is the Drummer from The Red Hot Chili Peppers "We go on trips together with our Wives!" (Oh, BOY! I bet they all liked "Sideways"!). My Favorite Album of Glenn's is "Soul Mover" from 2005 and now here's Virginia Madsen, The Beautiful And Glamorous Star Of "Sideways"!!! Virginia, could you sum up my personal feelings about "Soul Mover" with a quote from the very end of Your Big Monologue in "Side Ways" about Red Wine . . .

VIRGINIA MADSEN: It is . . . so . . . fucking . . . GOOD!!

Damn!

It is . . . so . . . FUCKING . . . GOOD!! Okay! Take it easy, Mama! Ya didn't win the Oscar!

Man, I always imagine these characters going to ritzy Hollywood Parties with little Indian guys and little bitty French chicks all talking about "Birdy Num Num". No, I'm not trying to be friendly talking to you about all this, it's just a just a cheap ass literary device. Don't get any ideas - We aren't buddies and we aren't friends. I'm not really into stuff like that. Now after what happened in . . . Were you in the Spanish Civil War? Never mind. Forget I brought the whole thing up. I've got five or six pages of stuff about Conan O'Brian all ready to go if Forbis doesn't want to go with this, I don't care . . .

But back to "Soul Mover" now that they've finally got Virginia outta here . . . This album is so good "Toys In The Attic" and "Appetite For Destruction" always try to stand next to it when all the Britney Spears CDs come in to pick up cigarettes - Full on Twin Guitars, One Bass, One Drummer, One Singer Basic Seventies Rock Stuff - LIKE THE DARKNESS!! Remember The Darkness? Fuck, YEAH I remember The Darkness! They're back together and this time they're not going away until EVERYBODY gets Hip Replacement Surgery - On BOTH hips!

Listen to "Soul Mover" and know how it felt to hear Big Star back in the Seventies "Damn! I am COOL!" Did Glenn Hughes and Alex Chilton know each other? Shit, I bet they were burning up the phone lines talkin' about Lawn Mowers morning, noon, and night!

"I imagine cutting the yard must be a real challenge out there in LA where it's so hilly!"

"No, My Man, a true Lawn Mower Man can mow the yard and trim the hedges and all that Shrubbery Control Shit no matter how hilly or silly it may be be!"

"'No matter how hilly or silly'? Damn I been here in New Orleans too long!"

"Yeah, you been in New Orleans too long! Heh heh heh!"

"Yeah, heh, heh, heh!"

"Heh, heh, heh!"

Glenn Hughes and Alex Chilton get off the line and Alex Chilton throws his phone against the wall "Heh, heh, heh, MY ASS!! Where that Glenn Hughes get off talking to me with that 'hilly silly' shit? I was mowin' yards in California when Fatty Arbuckle was a Pre School Crossing Guard! Shit! I'm gonna go out out there right now and I am gonna MOW THE SHIT OUT OF THAT YARD!"

"Oh, Alex it's too TOO HOT for you to be mowin' the yard right now!"

"Woman! Don't be talkin' to me about it bein' too hot too mow the yard! I know when it's too hot to mow the yard and I know when it's not too hot to mow the yard and it ain't too hot to mow the yard! Now step aside and mix up some Red Kool Aid for when I'm finished."

"Alex, it's so hot you go out there and try to mow the yard you're going to need more than some Red Kool Aid."

"You're gonna need more than some Red Kool Aid if you don't get out of my way and let me start up my lawn mower!" Missis Chilton let Alex get out there and start up his law mower and the first thing she saw when she got home from the Hospital ER after Alex died of a lawn mower heart attack was that pitcher of Red Kool Aid right there on the kitchen table all the ice cubes all melted and little drops of water rollin' down the side of the pitcher from the . . . What's the word for that water on the side of the pitcher shit? That was almost confusing enough to make her forget that Alex had just lawn mowered his crazy ass to death. Who the hell had he been talkin' to on the phone to get him all wound up and crazy like that?

Okay, so I'm hollerin' to myself right here in front of everybody - SO WHAT? I ain't BOTHERIN' nobody! I'm talkin' to MYSELF! Crap! Why you gotta mess with ME!? I already told you I don't feel good! BIRDY NUM NUM!"

"Hey, the Old Guy is throwing a FIT!!"

"I'm Percy Dovetonsils!"

"I think he shit himself."

"Napoleon's Piano! The one he played at WATERLOOOO!!"


What do you think? Leave your comments on the Guestbook!

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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