By John Saleeby
January 1st, 2013
Clean out the kitty litter and turn off the air conditioner cause when you read this the shit is really gonna hit the fan.
This was gonna be another stupid Acid Logic article about some stupid Punk Rock Record from the Seventies until I was found a DVD with two episodes of "The Colgate Comedy Hour" Starring Dean Martin And Jerry Lewison it in the DVD rack at the Gas Station down the street and went out outta my mind. You'll probably stop reading this to go to my house and kill me once you read this but, Screw You - My electric fence is charged up, my moat is full of piranhas, my bloodhounds have been infected with rabies, and I'm hiding in some Eskimo's igloo attic in Alaska anyway - I think Dean Martin And Jerry Lewis are The Greatest Comedy Team Ever! Don't even try to argue with me, I bet you've never even heard of Proctor And Bergman! I'm such an Authority on this matter I've even seem Wheeler And Whoolsy and those guys suck so hard still seeing Whoolsy after getting a look at Wheeler qualifies me for the Congressional Medal Of Honor. Martin And Lewis are THE BEST!! When I was a kid in the Seventies (Again with the "When I Was A Kid In The Seventies" Stories! If I had been a kid in the Fifties I would have written this slop in Rolling Stone or the National Lampoon and I would have gotten paid for it so get offa my back!) the only time you ever heard about Martin And Lewis was so snob could sniffle about how they always preferred Nichols And May to Martin And Lewis - Nichols And May! Does anybody in 2012 even remember who Nichols And May were?
"Sure! Mike Nichols and Elaine May! Great Comedy Team!"
"Yeah! Nichols And May! They were great!"
Okay . . . Okay . . .
"I love Nichols And May!"
"Nichols And May were hilarious!"
Yeah . . Yeah . . .
"Hey! I've got a Nichols And May album right here!"
"Let's listen to it!"
Uh, I'm right in the middle of an article about Martin And Lewis right now . . .
"Martin And Lewis?"
"Jerry Lewis? He's terrible!"
Allright youse pixies, I'm going to write a Comedy bit where I go NUTS and shoot everybody! Oh, I forgot. It's January 2013 and that isn't funny right now. I'll wait until February to do a Comedy bit where I shoot everybody and then you'll laugh your asses off as usual. If you don't get shot during the bit anyway. Screw Nichols And May. When did Mike Nichols ever Direct a Movie as good as "The Errand Boy"? When did Elaine May ever sing "Everybody Loves Somebody Sometimes"? as good as Dean Martin? That's not a rhetorical question, that's a retardical question.
Saleeby dusts his hands off . . . "That takes care of Nichols And May!"
Acid Logic Editor Wil Forbis: Don't bother with the rest of the article, dumb ass. All of the readers are off Googling Nichols And May now.
Acid Logic Writer John Saleeby: Oh, so nobody is reading this?
Worthless Bastard Wil Forbis: Nobody at all!
Incredible Genius John Saleeby: So WHAT ELSE IS NEW!?!
Yeah, talking about Jerry Lewis to Comedy Fans today is a waste of even Acid Logic time. It's like the Tower Of Bible in the Babel. I mean . . . Oh, you didn't even notice the mistake. That old story about how all of a sudden everybody was talking a different language and they couldn't finish building the tower that reached up to where all the hi jacked planes were flying. I'm talking about Jerry Lewis, you're talking about Seth Rogan, and Chris Rock is cutting up people in First Class with a Box Cutter.
So I took that DVD home anticipating a pretty amusing time and . . . God, I can't remember the last time I laughed so much. Probably while reading the part of Forbis' autobiography where he auditioned to play the Elf who wants to be a Dentist in the Ice Capades version of "Rudolph The Rednosed Reindeer" and got his kicked by the kid who played Dewey on "Malcolm In The Middle". Martin And Lewis are so funny on this DVD you'll wet your pants just trying to get the goddam plastic wrapper off of the case. I'd describe all the crazy stuff they do but if I was funny enough to do that this would be the script for the next episode of "It's Always Charlie In Philadelphia" instead of another sorry ass Acid Logic article. Look up accounts of Martin And Lewis' legendary guest appearance on Milton Berle's "Texaco Star Theater" and imagine something even CRAZIER! Those guys trashed "Texaco Star Theater" so bad the name was changed to "Mexico Star Theater". I'm sure you've already read about it in in Vincent Bugliosi's "Helter Skelter". Just replace "Charles Manson" with "Dean Martin", "Jerry Lewis" with "Tex Watson" "Susan Atkins", "Patrica Krenwinkle", and "Milton Berle" with "Sharon Tate" and you will have the whole picture. Yeah. Martin And Lewis weren't just out for laughs, those guys were there to do some serious damage. You can't imagine how TRIUMPHANT they are at the end of this crazy DVD, they haven't just put on a funny show - They have KICKED ASS. None of this weak ass "Saturday Night Live" "Well, the Cold Opening was terrible but 'Weekend Update' was okay and the Joe Biden sketch got a few laughs" jazz. Martin And Lewis went out there and they BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA EVERYBODY!!! They walk off of that stage with such swagger they oughta belt out a few verses of "We Are The Champions". Yeah, that would be a good bit, Martin And Lewis singing "We Are The Champions". Let's work on that. We'll do it as part of my podcast. Yeah, I'm gonna start plugging my podcast in the articles. Hell, I gotta get something outta this garbage. Can you believe I still haven't heard from Thandie Newton after I did that "Ten Pictures Of Thandie Newton" thing? Crap! I knew I shoulda done it Kellie Rowland instead! I knew it!