By Jane Minh
May 1st, 2009
The movie starts in the sticks. You think you're back home on the range. Subtitles tell you “deep south, brain dead country, Mississippi, 1845. You're thinking “wow, what is this, a western?”
All of a sudden, there's this big, dramatic fight scene. They approach the leader (No, I don't know who their "leader" is. They never say, it's some old gray person who isn't introduced. You're supposed to know everything even though this is an "origin" movie. That's what's so stupid about it.) but the lead man goes in armed only with swords, ricocheting all the bullets fired at him (thousands) off of the swords. Then their leader says “where did you get this”, regarding some rock on the man's desk. He tells them, so they go off to this village full of Negros, er, sorry, African American Negros (I think most of them were from the TV show “Roots”), trying to find the rest of the meteor. They are told “it's sacred”, so they get nowhere. So, they will have to kill some of the villagers.
Suddenly the lead character states that he has had enough, and he's leaving the team, and he goes and gets a job as a lumberjack, and shacks up with a real fine broad, Jennifer Tilly (Old Sweet Jugs, I like to call her), whose name is listed as “Silver Fox”, though they never speak her name in the film. But she is indeed quite a fox. I'd like to give her a little of the old scissors loving, if you know what I mean.
In the end, he had thought she had died, but it turns out she was just part of Stryker's plan, playing him to keep him in the club. “It really meant something to me,” Wolverine says. “I really loved you. I should've known it wasn't real.” That's just what this mutant war film needed to spice it up, a “love” moment from the hero Wolverine. I felt like I was back in an '80s love story, and almost teared up.
Something I liked about The Matrix, how believable it was. You were just stunned at the production. Really well done. Of course, that's why it became such a smash hit. Another great film, although I feel anyone who follows comic book stories religiously is a stupid queer, was The Dark Knight. Aside from the fact that Batman can be taken down by puppy dogs, and the fact that they brought up the Joker as a “terrorist”, it was a good story. The only decent Batman film since the days of Michael Keaton and Val Kilmer.
The X-Men Wolverine story is a piece of shit. The plot is way off kilter, with scenes crashing, not leading, into each other; the script appears to have been written by a 12-year-old boy while Buddy Wackitting to his Pamela Anderson poster. The graphics are about as good as South Park animation. It is without a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen!!! And that says a lot: I've seen “Wild Angels”. It has about as much value as a movie as KISS has as a rock band. In other words, I'd rather bathe in shit than see this film again.
If you have to see it, because you're a friendless loser who is addicted to such things, at least download it off the internet for free. The website threatened me that there are “10 minutes left out of the work release given away on the net.” Whew, thank God I downloaded it, otherwise I would've lost another 10 minutes ON TOP OF THE 100 MINUTES OF MY LIFE I'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN BECAUSE OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT FILM!!!
Jane Minh is a hair stylist, social critic, and genital massage therapist. She can be reached at