By John Saleeby, Johnny Apocalypse and Wil Forbis
June 1st, 2011
Barbara Crampton
This is one stunning lady. Blonde hair, eyes that can be calm and alluring or excited and electric, soft pink lips that look amazing, even in a scream. And her ass! If I could combine the five sexiest asses I've grabbed in my life (and I've grabbed millions (maybe not millions, but somewhere close I think)), there's a slight chance the resulting sum of asses might equal hers.

Mostly known for starring in director Stuart Gordon's "Re-Animator", and Gordon's lesser-known but equally great "From Beyond", this queen of horror can put on glasses and do her hair up to play the sexy scientist, or toss on a leather teddy and bitch-boots to become an astonishingly beautiful BDSM freak. Not that that's my thing. Seriously, it's not. Stop staring at me like that.

At the current age of 52, she's aging wonderfully as well! If I weren't the slightly-sane person that I am, Miss Crampton would be pretty high on my stalking list. But considering some of the crazy stuff Stuart Gordon put her though before the camera, being stalked might strike her as "reasonably normal".
JA

Sarah Polley
It's a bit disingenuous to refer to Sarah Polley as a horror actress. She's appeared in numerous television and film projects since an early age, but only three or four would qualify as horror. However, one that does is the fantastic remake of George Romero's "Dawn of the Dead" which was one of the top horror films of 2004. (She also starred in the mutation themed "Splice" and appeared in the grim, Cronenberg directed sci-fi flick "eXistenZ.")

Like a lot of horror actresses, part of Polley's appeal is that she's not dropdead gorgeous. She's got an approachable type of beauty which makes it seem thoroughly plausible that you could become romantically entangled with her while fleeing from cannibalistic zombies, metal plated tripods or 30 foot tall beasts ascending from the center of the earth. After all, nothing causes the flower of love to blossom like death and destruction!

In her native Canada, Polley is known for being a politically active lefty nag, so any date with her would probably include a lot of haranguing about blood diamonds and social justice. With any luck, over dinner the worldwide zombie Holocaust would occur and she would turn her attention to helping repopulate the human race.
WF

Unappreciated Babes Of "Carrie"

"Carrie" may be the Ultimate High School Horror Movie but, forget Horror, High School Movies are all about Hot Underage Girls played by Hot Legal Age Actresses so you can look at em without feeling guilty - YAY! And the Hot Underage Girls in "Carrie" are played by some of the Hottest Legal Age Actresses ever - Nancy Allen, Amy Irving, and PJ Soles! Why so many exclamation points? What are you? Gay? Get outta here with your queer question marks! And these girls were no dopes in Real Life - Nancy Allen got Married to Brian DePalma, Amy Irving got Married to Steven Spielberg, and PJ Soles is so cool she got Married to Bill Murray! Well, that was in "Stripes" but getting Married to Bill Murray in a Movie is better than getting Married to those dopes DePalma and Spielberg in Real Life. And PJ was in "Rock And Roll High School" so you can pretend she got Married to Joey Ramone. And pretend Joey didn't die while you're at it. Me, I'll be in the Parking Lot outside the Local High School pretending to John Travolta in "Carrie" "Hey, Sweetheart, you wanna smoke a joint?" Make that Clint Howard in "Rock And Roll High School" . . .
JS

Amanda Pettis
Amanda Pettis is a cute little chick who has been too busy Acting in Horror Movies to return my Emails or find the camera I put in her bathroom. You will certainly remember her in the title role of "May" in which she had a lesbian sex scene with Anna Farris. Oh yeah - And some Horror stuff. I forgot about that. I bet her parents thought everything in "May" was Horror stuff. Shut up and be proud of your Toilet Training triumph! Then Angela played the title role in "Carrie" but that didn't have any lesbian stuff cause it was Made For TV and Anna Farris only does Features. Angela was also in Tobe Hooper's "Tool Box Murders". But not in the title role, of course! Come on, that's just silly! You keep at it, Amanda, and maybe one day I'll be able to remember that your name isn't Angela! Maybe you should change it to Tool Box, that would be catchy!
JS

Heather Langenkamp
While Miss Langenkamp may not be the traditional idea of the “Hollywood Beauty”, like Angelina Jolie (yuck) or Scarlett Johansson, she’s amazingly attractive in her own way. The star of “Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Nightmare on Elm Street 3” and “Wes Craven’s New Nightmare” has a very charming every-day look to her. You could run into her on the local college campus, or catch her reading in a Starbucks.

But beyond the girl-next-door appeal, she’s a beauty that most of your neighbors can’t match. Lovely dark brown hair, her soft, full lips that create an award-winning smile. And her stunning blue eyes! I’m not one much for women’s eyes, they have to really be something to catch my eye, but Heather’s? Dear god, that woman’s eyes pierce me something furious.

Next time you’re watching the original “Nightmare on Elm Street”, don’t just cheer when Johnny Depp get killed or start whacking it when that blonde bimbo goes topless. Pay some attention to Heather. She deserves it, and you won’t regret it.
JA

Theda Bara
Nothing says "sexy" like nice Jewish girls dressing up as female vampires. As such, Theda Bara, star of the silent film era is the original unappreciated babe of horror (though, in her day, she was actually very much appreciated.) In the late teens of the 20th century, Bara starred in dozens of films, often playing a vamp-ish consort of flesh, usually in risqué costumes that caused the eyeballs of little old ladies to fly across the room. Since then, she's existed as a piece of pop culture trivia, being mentioned in songs, stories, and even a cartoon strip by "Ghost World's" Dan Clowes.
WF

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