presents...
 

Unappreciated Babes of History

By John Saleeby, Johnny Apocalypse and Wil Forbis
May 1st, 2010

 

Calamity JaneCALAMITY JANE
Prostitute, Scout, Nurse, Indian Fighter, Cross Dresser, Stunt Rider, Trick Shooter - My Goodness, was that goofy chick desperate to make everybody forget that she had been a Prostitute or what? It's a miracle she didn't dress up like an Indian and scalp a few people. Hell, maybe she did dress up like an Indian and scalp a few people, who would have known the difference - She was wearing a chicken for a hat, for cryin' out loud! Too bad she wasn't peddling her ass around today in 2010, nobody would hold it against her at all and she could go on "The Jerry Springer Show" or some such syndicated daytime TV mess. Maybe if she wore a chicken for a hat and went on the War Path she could go on "Judge Judy" - "Crazy bitch cut off the top a' mah head, yo honuh!"
JS

CATHERINE THE GREAT
Catherine the GreatOh, man, I was totally psyched to write about Catherine The Great here because I'd always heard she died while having sex with a horse and nothing says "Lotsa Crazy Gags!" like "died while having sex with a horse". But then I did a little research and found out she never had any sex with any horses at all! I haven't been so let down by a chick since I watched Allyssa Milano's new Sit Com on ABC. So what else is there to say about this lame Catherine chick? According to Wikipedia "Under her direct auspices the Russian Empire expanded, improved it's administration, and continue to modernize along Western European lines." That's cool, but then they have to fuck everything up with "Despite an urban myth connecting her death with a sexual incident involving a horse there is no basis for this story." Stupid Wikipedia! I bet if you look up the guy who played Eddie Haskell on "Leave It To Beaver" they'll tell you he didn't grow up to be Alice Cooper. Bummer!
JS

MARIE CURIE
Marie CurieOkay, so maybe the award-winning chemist isn't the best looking lady, but she still has some great qualities. First, she's Polish, and my occasional forays into internet porn lead me to believe that European women are a hot item right now.
Next, she's smart. Working in chemistry takes more brains than I have (which may not be saying much), but she also won two Nobel prizes, which equals two million dollars so she's also rich. I've always found intelligent women to be alluring, and Curie has this in spades. Finally, she's a risk taker. Curie spent most of her life studying the effects of radiation, which anyone can tell you is bad news. But she blew off the warnings and said "to hell with you people, this is where the action is!"

Sadly, she died of anemia, likely due to radiation exposure.
JA

LUCY
the luscious Lucy fossilUpon seeing the famed Australopithecine specimen Lucy listed as an unappreciated babe, I suppose some of you are thinking, "Well, sure, I suppose it's possible Lucy was a pretty decent piece of gash in her day." But I'm not saying I find the Lucy of 3.2 million years ago attractive, I'm saying I find the current Lucy --- a loose collection of bones and teeth --- to be ravishing. First I would take her delicate calcified arms in mine, quietly cooing, "It's you, Lucy. It's always been you." Then I would reach over and place my lips on the remains of her jaw. Finally I would reach down to her pelvic girdle and [CENSORED!!!]
WF

LIZZIE BORDEN
Lizzie BordenEvery schoolboy knows that old rhyme about Lizzie Borden - "Lizzie Borden took a nap and then a great big stinky crap . . . " I'm sorry, it's been a while since I was a schoolboy. But I'll tell you one thing about Lizzie Borden - She may have chopped her Parents up with an axe but she looked DAMN GOOD doing it. Psychotic Bitch looked so hot covered with dried blood it started a fashion trend and all the other girls in town were tearing chicken's heads off and letting the blood spray all over them before going out in the morning. But they still had to lock up Lizzie cause once word got out she'd chopped her Mom and Dad up with an axe all the other girls were buying axes to chop up their relatives, too. So they hung Lizzie and all the other girls just took a nap and then a great big stinky crap or something, who cares what they did? They weren't hot. Fuck em.
JS

SARAH TODD LINCOLN
You think you know everything about Honest Abe Lincoln? That's right, not only did he lead the PT-109 up San Juan Hill, but he was also married to a really cute chick with bugs living inside her head! That's right - Mary Todd Lincoln, the First Schizophrenic First Lady Of American History. Forget about Michelle Obama "Big Butt" jokes, Mary Todd Lincoln was so crazy she spent entire weeks wandering around The White House screaming at an imaginary black woman with a "Big Butt" who was "acting like she owns the god damn place" or something. Mary Todd Lincoln was so crazy she understood whatever the hell that husband of hers was trying to say with that Gettysburg Address thing. She occasionally insisted on being called Mary Godd Lincoln with that extra "d" on "Godd" because she was a "duck". Walked around the White House going "Quack Quack!". No wonder Abe started babbling about that "Four score" stuff in front of everybody. Her final contribution to American Culture? She wrote the classic "Aside from that, Missus Lincoln - How did you enjoy the play?" joke. But she was hot - Oh, yeah!
JS

MATA HARI
Mata Hari, the spy who loved meI've always said that if I have to choose between a chick wearing clothes and a chick who's half naked, I'll take the half naked chick every time. So the fact that Mata Hari, Dutch exotic dancer and presumed spy spent a lot of time walking around half naked makes her tops in my book. And we're not talking about present day where pretty much all women dress like whores, but they chaste late 1800s.

Of course, everyone knows how the story turned out. Accused of spying for the Germans, Hari was executed by firing squad. But get this -- when her body was utilized for medical study someone stole her head! The jokes pretty much write themselves from there.
WF

MARIE LAVEAU
Marie LaveauIt wouldn't be an Acid Logic Unappreciated Babes article without a black girl to give my relatives nightmares about me showing up at Christmas with a black Wife and a cute lil' HIV baby. But they all quit reading my Acid Logic stuff so long ago I can write anything without my Family knowing about - Fuck those retards! Anyway, this time our Unappreciated Black Babe is Marie Laveau the New Orleans Voodoo Queen and her Daughter Marie Laveau the other New Orleans Voodoo Queen. Nobody seems to able to tell the two of them apart and if that ain't sexy you must have a homo crush on George Bush and George W Bush. I have scientific proof of how good looking these two were from the fact that Erykah Badu, the wacky Watusi who took all her clothes off at the site of the JFK assassination, played one or both of them in "Blues Brothers 2000" and looked so good in it she didn't have to take her clothes off. Not that I would have complained if she had. Hey, any black girls reading this right now - Take your clothes off! And any of my relatives reading this right now - Go jump in a fuckin' lake!
JS

EVE
EveThis lady is a hot item for any number of reasons. Of course you have to get past the fact that she may not have existed (I'm sure I have plenty of readers who have no doubt one way or the other, but bear with me). Assuming that she was a reality, just for the sake of this article and based upon no personal stance, this woman is still a pursuit worthy of any man. However, if you bag her, you may not want to plow any other woman, ever. If you manage to travel back in time and give Eve the business, you may well knock her up. If you knock her up, you have just sired all mankind that will come after the first two. Therefore, any lady you want to screw in modern times will be a relative. No matter how far the gene pool may have varied and spread, you'd still be giving the business to your great-to-the-fiftieth-power granddaughter. And that's just plain sick.

So why is Eve hot? First, she's an exhibitionist. Modesty is incredibly sexy, but so is an absolute lack of modesty. She wore no clothes until she was cast out of the garden of Eden, and even then she just wore a few leafs, to leave a few things to the imagination. But naked, all day and everyday, definitely makes for a constant turn-on.

While we may not know exactly what she looked like, she's always painted as a beautiful lady. And what artist would possibly take creative license of a biblical subject?
JA

AMY SEMPLE MCPHERSON
Aimee SempleAmy Semple McPherson is remembered today as one of the first modern Evangelists to bring the Gospel to millions of devoted Christians through the Mass Media. Which is all very nice but right now we are talking about BABES and Amy Semple McPherson was such a BABE she had more greasy little creeps with the pockets cut out of their raincoats lining up to catch her act than little old ladies who could sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" without having to read the lyrics out of the hymnals. If Kirk Cameron had Amy's looks you'd have more dudes watching "The Way Of The Master" than the "Girls Gone Wild" infomercials - FREAKY! And rumor has it that Amy really got around, too - Milton Berle made it with this minx and if she did it with that goon she did it with EVERYBODY - Groucho Marx, Jack Benny, Bob Hope, Eddie Cantor . . . This is is all speculation, of course, but Amy kicked the bucket before I had a chance at that ass so what the hell do I owe her? I bet she shot JFK. Yeah.

JS

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