Unappreciated Babes of Cartoons!

By Wil Forbis and John Saleeby
May 1st, 2016

Throughout the years, acid logic has focused its licentious eye on the babes of television, movies, the internet and even history. But we've hit a a snatch, er, snag---we've run out of babes! It seems only wise to starting highlighting the women of comic books and cartoons, dames who don't even exist! (Don't tell that to the overweight kid down the street who thinks he's an actual Dungeons and Dragons character.) Thus we present...

Daphne from Scooby-Doo
Dafne from Scooby-Doo!Well, obviously it's misnomer to call Daphne an unappreciated cartoon babe. She's probably the most appreciated cartoon babe of all time and there's no doubt she has the record for cartoon babe induced woodies. Her power over the Scooby Doo cast is readily apparent. Fred, dumbfounded at his luck, is frozen into his all-American, goody-two-shoes personality. Velma, flummoxed at Dafne's disinterest, has to channel her obvious lesbian tendencies towards a facade of cerebral androgyny. And poor Shaggy... look at the guy. He's self-medicating himself to an early grave.

But perhaps most distraught is Scooby himself. If ever a gal could cause a dog to consider human/animal relations, Daphne is it. The big guy would clearly like nothing more to take Daphne in his paws and moan out, "I ruv-ruv-ruv youuuuuuu!"

TeelaYou know, a lot of guys talk about being a breasts man, or an ass man, but not many dudes will confess to being a hips man. But I fall right into that category and Teela---female warrior from the He-Man and the Masters of the Universe universe---does it for me. Yeah... shake it mama!

Robert Crumb’s “Big Foot”
Yeti Woman!In “White Man Meets Big Foot”, the Comic that has thousands of White Men disappearing into the Wilderness every year to search for Big Foot Love, White Man (The Twentieth Century phrase for “Douche Bag”) is on a Camping Trip with his Wife and Kids when he is abducted by Big Foot Senior and Betrothed Unto Mister Big Foot’s Daughter. Good for you, Douche Bag! I mean, Good for you, White Man! Because this Big Foot Babe ( White Man calls her “Yeti”. But not “Yeti Page”) is The Girl Of Every Man’s Dreams. Every Real Man’s Dreams, I mean. What do I mean by that? Hell, I don’t know, I’m a Douche Bag!

By the way, guys, learn from my mistake - Never show “White Man Meets Big Foot” to your Girlfriend! Human Females do not respond well to Comics in which a Human Male has a Happy Relationship with a Non Human Female. Especially when the Human Male showing her the Comic has been Living in her Apartment for three months without paying any Rent. That might be where the “Douche Bag” thing came from.

Aeon Flux
Aeon FluxWhen first contemplating choices for unappreciated babes, 90's alt-cartoon dominatrix Aeon Flux leapt into my mind. I admit to having second thoughts after I actually watched some old AF cartoons. For one thing, Flux was really kind of freaky looking---all super thin with oddball muscles popping out of her body. On top of that, she wasn't that great a super spy and often fell to a demise of her own making (only to be mysteriously resurrected by the next episode.) Nonetheless, I might as well get my money's worth out of this paragraph I just typed so I'm keeping her in there.




Cheryl Tunt
It would seem obvious that one of the chicks from FX's Archer show should appear in an article about cartoon babes. I'm going to avoid the safe choices like the lithe, luscious beauty of Lana Kane or the stern, lip-pursing MILFyness of Ma Archer and choose the sexy, secretarial-ness of Cheryl Tunt. She's got that repressed librarian look happening so you know she's wild in bed.

Cheryl Tunt



Morrigan AenslandMorrigan Aensland of the Darkstalkers series
I should be clear, I have no idea who Morrigan Aensland. Apparently she's some sort of video game character. I have no idea what the Darkstalkers series is.

But, jesus... just look at her... WF






Wilma Flintstone and/or Betty Rubble
When I was a lad wee lad on the playground there was a great debate over these two. We're you a Wilma man or a Betty man? I personally fell into the Betty camp---there was just something about that jet-black hair that got me. Plus I could never stand Wilma's endless nagging. "Fre-hed!"

That said, Wilma has some charms. No one ever looked better while pushing a miniature-elephant-operating-as-a-vacuum-cleaner than her!

THe gals from the Flintstones

Hansi, The Girl Who Loved The Swastika
She’s a Good Girl, Loves the Fuhrer
Loves Himmler and the Third Reich, too
She’s a Good Girl, crazy ‘bout Auschwitz
Loves Stukas and her Brown Shirt, too

Hansi, the girl who LOVED the swastikaYeah, “Hansi, The Girl Who Loved The Swastika” - Tom Petty’s Favorite Comic Book! Hansi goes from being a Nazi in Germany to being a Christian in America “So what’s the difference?” Get the fuck outta here, Joy Behar! The worst part is when Hansi is in a Russian Labor Camp. But the Russians don’t rape her because she’s too skinny “A skinny Nazi girl? You mean Anne Coulter?” Yeah, Joy Behar, you’re a funny chick! Go get me a beer - HEINEKEN!!! I’ve seen a lot of the artwork from this Comic on the Internet but none of the Rape stuff. I’d look around for it but my Lap Top already smells like Burt Reynold’s House in “Boogie Nights”. After the War Hansi’s U-Boat Sailor Boyfriend comes Home - WHOA! A German U-Boat guy who SURVIVED?! This guy is even more of a Super Hero than Spiderman! Is that where the Submariner came from? Wow! - and they accept Jesus as their Savior. That’s nice, but it might have saved us a lot of trouble if they had tried that in the First Place! But at least now we don’t have to worry about em voting for that God Damn Hillary Clinton! Yeah, Joy Behar - I’m messing with you! Get the fuck outta here before I put on a Ted Nugent CD!

Ms. Pac-Man
Ms. Pac-ManSo sue me... I'm a leg man!


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