By John Saleeby and Wil Forbis
May 1st, 2006
Chloe Dao is THE CUTEST GIRL IN THE WORLD! Never heard of Chloe Dao? Well, I have and that's why she is going to be mine while you're sitting around going "God, that Angelina Jolie is so sexy!" and wishing your roommate would go away so you and your hand can be alone together. Chloe Dao was the winner of that "Project Runway" thing on Bravo and when I first saw her I thought they were airing a news report on Asian porn the atmosphere was so romantic. Chloe's Laotian so when I introduce her to my parents they will instantly drop dead, she has SEVEN SISTERS so I will never run out of fun things to do on those long holiday weekends, Oh! There are so many good things about Chloe Dao it will be another six months before I have to deal with the reality that I'll never get that ass in a hundred thousand years! She's PERFECT!
If you've spent a lot of time watching cheapo Canadian tevlevision you will recognise Christina Cox as The Cute Little Blonde who had you packing up all your stuff to move to Canada before you came to your senses and just beat off. Yeah, it feels pretty stupid to find yourself with your dick in your hand, the Seed Of Life starching your chest hair, and everything you own piled up on the front yard in cardboard boxes, but what better testimony to the irresistible Christina Cox than thousands of American guys finding themselves in that very situation every day? Good thing Canadian border guards have orders to kill all American men screeching "CHRISTIIIIIINA!" while driving with one hand on the wheel. Yeah, she's one Cute Little Blonde - And her last name is COX! Could that be the secret to Courtney Cox's success? Maybe Hillary should try that when she runs for President? Give it a shot, Mama!
THE CHICK WHO PLAYS RAVEN'S FRIEND ON DISNEY'S "THAT'S SO RAVEN"
True story - I once played shuffleboard with a guy who worked on the set of the Raven show. I asked him to get me a date with Anneliese van der Pol, the actress that plays Raven's daffy best friend, Chelsea, but due to society's strange taboo against hooking weird men you meet at a shuffleboard bar up with people you work with but barely know, he demurred. Nonetheless, I continue to admire her work from afar (usually by using a telescopic lens to peer into the window of her West Hollywood apartment.)
So you gotta figure the average viewing audience for Disney is what... 20% pedophile? 30%?
Illeana Douglas has this crazy "Is she ugly?" "Is she pretty?" "Is she creepy?" "Is she sexy?" "Oh, let's fuck on the kitchen floor!" thing that has me sporting a woody every time I go in there to make a peanut butter sandwich. Remember Illeana as The Spooky Girl who cast a spell on Kevin Bacon in "Stir Of Echoes"? That girl has had a spell on me ever since I saw her in one of those ABC Thank God It's Friday sit coms (Although to us "Boy Meets World" fans TGIF stood for "Topanga's got it f-f-fuh fuh fuh . . . UGH!!") as a Schoolteacher these two guys were fighting over. Man, if I was fighting with a guy over a schoolteacher that looked like that I'd split his skull with a hand axe and chain her to a tree in the woods. Which is pretty much the only way I've ever gotten laid anyway. Martin Scorsese got a divorce from this Doll and if that doesn't convince you he is a fucking idiot I'll send you a DVD of "The Gangs Of New York" to settle the issue.
Aw hell, maybe Jennifer actually is an appreciated babe. After all, I've heard guys talking about how hot she is since I was in high school. But Jennifer has got more raw sex appeal in her voice than Pamela Anderson has in every one of her breast implants. (Christ, Pam's like Goldilocks when it comes to her boob jobs. "This one feels too big, this one feels too small, this one is just right... no, wait, it's too big.") Combine Jennifer's curvaceous body with her beautiful "Is she part Asian? I think she's part Asian," features and a propensity for starring in lesbian heist films and it becomes clear this is the real deal.
True story - I once made love to Jennifer Tilly on a shuffleboard table. Then she got me a date with the chick from "Raven."
Boti Bliss is one adorable gal but her career isn't so great that she shouldn't consider giving it up to move to the Deep South to live with a forty five year old comedy writer whose career is gonna take off any minute now. Boti played the only woman who didn't get raped, killed, and then raped all over again in "Ted Bundy", the hooker whose presence in a college dorm prompted Door Slamming Bedroom Farce like you wouldn't believe in "National Lampoon's Dorm Daze" (TONS of cute girls in that movie. In fact, if you haven't seen it by now you are gay), and in one episode of "Pretender" that guy who looks like Alex Chilton if only Alex had never gotten into booze and went to the gym every day (If you haven't seen "Dorm Daze" you probably know him by name) comes home to find Boti taking a shower in his bathroom! And what has Boti gotten out of all this? One guy in Hooterville with her picture stuck to his fridge with a Ted Bundy magnet! Any other Boti fans out there? I mean, any Boti fans who DIDN'T get off when she pretended to be be dead while Ted Bundy had sex with her, I mean? I WIN!!!
ANNIE POTTS IN PRETTY IN PINK
Yowza - the original MILF, Annie Potts never looked as good as she did as an aging punk rock hipster and confidante to Molly Ringwald in the classic John Hughes teenfest, "Pretty in Pink." (In much the same way that "The Empire Strikes Back" has surpassed "Star Wars", one could credibly argue "PIP" has taken the lead from "The Breakfast Club" if only because it hasn't been played 9 million times on cable.) In between making out with John Cryer's Duckie and dressing Molly up for the prom, Annie defiantly dictates how "cute" can be so much better than "beautiful." The only downside to the movie comes at the end when Annie starts dressing out of the J.C. Penney catalogue to score with some yuppie ass-clown.
A close runner up: Annie Potts in "Ghostbusters."
Asia Argento is kind of like Courtney Love - I'm the only guy on Earth who likes her and I'm the very last guy on Earth who'll get a shot at her. I don't care what you faggots say, Asia may be covered with the kind of tattoos white guys in prison get so the other white guys will protect them from the black guys, but I think she's cute. And she's ITALIAN! If you've just got to settle on a white woman (Them and their goddam home decorating plans!), make it an Italian - They're funny, they love to cook, and they fuck like there's no tomorrow. Which is why when tomorrow does show up they're usually pregnant. Asia's already got kids so at least now she appreciates the value of birth control and I'll never go to the electric chair for throwing my own flesh and blood off of the roof. Cause I will. And Asia is just the kind of psycho bitch who will understand. I LOVE HER!!!
THE HOTTIES OF HOTMAIL
Jesus - Ever since Hotmail started running a series of distracting banner ads featuring totally hot cuties all my emails to John Saleeby say, "I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE ALL MY BABIES." For instance, check out the blonde babe who's a consistent model in all the TRUE dating service advertisements. Sometimes she's in a bathing suit, sometimes she's dressed up as a lil' devil, but she's always got this slightly dazed look in her eyes that makes a woman so enticing. And if you've got a thing for freckly redheads you'll love the chick in "Wanted Local Mystery Shoppers" banner. And how about the "Does my butt look big in this?" diet plan girl? Sure, you can't see her face but sometimes you don't need to, right fellahs? HAWHAWHAWHAWHAW...
In my mind, Hotmail has become so synonymous with sexy women that I'm starting to even find their toe-nail fungus advertisements arousing.
Tune in in the future for More "Unappreciated Babes." Who knows? You may see your wife! HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!
View the complete babes!