By John Saleeby and Wil Forbis
Sept 1st, 2004
Laura San Giacomo
For years we saw Laura in typical babe roles like the sexy ingénue of "Sex, Lies and Videotape" or the resident lilith of Steven King's "The Stand" mini series. That's why it was such a surprise to see her turn up in the mid-nineties on "Just Shoot Me," (NBC's sitcom spoof of the fashion world) as the unglamorous, introspective, perennially outraged daughter of magazine maven George Segal. Her stint in this role brought two things to light: 1) San Giacomo has a natural comic talent that allows her to play a wide range of characters. 2) Have you seen the rack on this bitch? She's fucking huge! I remember a particular episode where she showed up in a red sweater and I could feel the air drain outta my lungs. And they're low hangers so you know those bad boys are a hunnert percent all-natural.
Unnapreciated Babes Of "Fox And Friends"
Set your alarm for 6 AM, turn your TV set back to the Fifties, and get a load of Juliet Huddy, Lauren Green, and Kiran Chetry on the Fox News morning show "Fox And Friends"! You liberals won't see any girls this good looking on NPR! Don't worry about if they're Right Wingers - Juliet, Lauren, and Kirin are so fine you'll be too busy going "God! She is so cute! She is soooooo cuuuute!!" to even notice when they call for the elimination of the Jewish Race. Juliet is the blonde who wears fishnet stockings, Lauren is the black one who was Miss Alabama in the Miss America or Miss USA or Missus John Saleeby As Soon As His Parents Die Pageant, and Kirin is the one we tag teamed at a New Year's Eve Party. Not really - We just said that to throw Juliet's husband off of the trail. Is it possible to masturbate and watch the news at the same time? Watch "Fox And Friends" every morning and by the end of the week you'll be masturbating, watching the news, shaving, and making pancakes all at the same time. There's another "Fox And Friends" chick, E.D. Hill - But she's just the kind of pill you'd expect to see on Fox and, unless you're the kind of hard core sadist who likes to tie women up, spank em, smack em . . . Ooooh, look! E.D,'s on right now! Later!
Here's the funny thing too. I saw Megan do a live singing gig at the Knitting Factory in Hollywood and had I passed her in real life I probably wouldn't have even looked twice. All that sultry sex appeal and wanton lustiness is what Megan brings to the character. That, my friend, is acting!
Megan Mullally's Karen Walker of the hit TV series "Will and Grace" brings to life everything attractive about older women. (Course, I'm getting to the point where "older" means "my age", but at least I'm not in Saleeby's shoes where "older" means "younger." HAW HAW!) Were you to be lured back to Karen's place one late Manhattan night you know the sex you'd engage in would be entirely selfish, alcoholic and devoid of any pretense about "caring" and "love." Pouring over Karen's rubenesque form would be a tribute to the unbridled hedonism of the 80's, the era in which Karen thrived. Once Karen had tired of you, she'd throw you out on the street and you'd be lucky if she let you keep your pants. God bless her.
Unnappreciated Babes Of "Kill Bill Vol. 1"
Everybody came out of Quentin Tarentino's "Kill Bill Vol.1" talking about Uma Thurman, Darryl Hannah, and Lucy Liu, but . . . Huh? Oh, yeah - And that black chick that curses too much. Thank God she got killed right away, the sexiest shot of her is when she has that knife stuck in her chest and realises her foul mouth is gonna get her ass sent to Hell in two seconds. Anyway, everybody talks about those babes, but what about Go Go and Sophie, Lucy Liu's evil henchbabes? They may be vicious criminals, but they talk like ladies!
Go Go is played by Chiaki Kuriyama, which in English means "Chestnut Mountain With Full Brightness". To which we say "Right and Double Right!!" You think if we learn to speak Japanese we'll be better to come up with better descriptions of chicks than "Damn! Hot! Smokin'! Ow!!"? Chestnut Mountain With Full On Babeness was also in "Battle Royale", she played the really pretty Japanese schoolgirl who killed somebody and then got killed (That was a "Battle Royale" joke. "Battle Royale" humor is pretty dry stuff). Go Go Trivia - She once watched "Seven" three times in one day. We know a guy who watched "Ten" four times a day five days in a row until he ran out of pot. He wouldn't have had so much time on his hands if he had been a fine little Japanese school girl. He probably wouldn't have been friends with us either - Stuck up little Japanese school girl bitches!
Sophie is played by Julie Dreyfus and we sure hope they used special effects in that scene where Uma Thurman chopped Julie's arm off - But Uma could have really thrown a knife into Ms. Guttermouth's chest for all we care. Julie is half Japanese and half French so her name might be "Raw Fish With Thich Sauces"! HAW HAW HAW! (Hey, Ma! I wrote that one! - John Saleeby) Julie met Queerintino (As real fans call him) at a film festival in Tokyo after he had already seen her on various billboards all over town. IMPROV COMEDY EXERCISE - Do Queerintino realising the girl he has just met is the same one he has been seeing on billboards all over town - "HEY! You're the GIRL on the BILLBOARDS!!!"
You know who else is hot in "Kill Bill Vol.1"? That one Yakuza chick who goes "AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!" with blood foaming all over her teeth as a sword is shoved into her gut. Would it be too weird to draw blood foaming all over a Playboy centerfold's teeth with a red magic marker and look at it while playing a tape of that "AAARRRRGGGHHH!"? Cause we've the blood drawn all over the centerfold's teeth and we'll leave it at that in case you think we're going too far. We'll even glue her arm back on.
We'd include "Kill Bill Vol.1"s Japanese All Girl Surf Punk Band The 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8s but the fact that Queerimoto don't give em no close ups weighs heavy on our minds. There's probably a good reason for that.
Don't Give Up, Babes! Marge Helgenberger Was An Unnappreciated Babe For YEARS!!!
The Girls of News Radio
Not only was News Radio one of the great, unappreciated sit-coms of all time, it had some of the sexiest unappreciated babes of all time. Like...
Vicki had bit parts in various sitcoms but it wasn't until she landed her role in News Radio as daffy but delightful secretary Beth that she caused the general to take notice. I've never really considered myself a fan of redheads but Vicki brought to life the ideal babe - sassy, goofy and sexy. So please explain to me how she hooked up with Nick Nolte?!
If you ever catch the pilot episode of News Radio, you'll notice that Khandi's character "Catherine Duke" was played by a different, less attractive actress. Well, whatever NBC executive demanded that they retool the show to pander to the most base instincts of maledom deserves a raise. Khandi was always breathtaking to look at (and unlike a lot of hot black actresses she had distinctly African features as opposed to simply being Heather Locklear with dark skin.) as well as being a steady comedic actress. One of my favorite episodes involved Khandi feeding Phil Hartman a bunch of phony black lingo, which he then used on air to embarrassing effect. It was always confusing why she left the show a couple seasons early, but her tenure will not be forgotten.
Maura was clearly supposed to be the main babe character of the show - "Diane" to male lead Dave Foley's "Sam." She was the most conventionally beautiful but also possessed a good deadpan, comedy style. Since News Radio went of the air she's done a number of straight roles including a regular gig on "ER." Hey, I just noticed something. All my unappreciated babes are from shows on NBC. Here's to you NBC. You are now formally known as the network of unappreciated babes!
Tune in in the future for More "Unappreciated Babes." Who knows? You may see your wife! HAW HAW HAW HAW!!!
View the complete babes!