By Wil Forbis
September 1, 2003
I'm certainly not the first
to comment on the arrival, over the past five years or so, of a plethora
of attractive female blonde commentators on cable news television, all
of who profess to have conservative viewpoints. And I'm certainly not
the first to ask, in written form, exactly why this is; why the new
breed of fetching, chesty blondes operates with a rightward tilt. And
I'm definitely not the first to spend most my free time imagining the
various sexual dalliances I could have with said blondes, and then trying
to recreate such activities with the collection of blow up dolls I've
created by combining old inner tubes with sawed off mop heads.
Oh... I am the first? Hmmm,
well, give it a year and everybody will be doing it.
But seriously folks. Why
so many yellow haired, extra chromosome Bill Buckleys? Throughout history,
conservatives have been known for being fat, old, cigar chomping white
guys (excluding Ed Asner.) And bodacious blondes were known as half-witted
bimbos who could be easily tricked into stripping down to their undergarments.
(“A washing machine? Yay… Let’s go swimming!”) When did these two archetypes
merge into the "uber-blonde" as epitomized by such television
commentators as Laurie
Dhue*, Linda
Vester, Rita
Cosby, and Kellyanne
Conway. (What's that? No Ann Coulter? Oh, we'll get to her...)
* A commentator
on the website apechild.com once accurately observed, "Those
lips... Laurie Dhue has incredible lips. And she knows it. She probably
has an entire case of lipstick in her dressing room, every single piece
in bright, 'fuck-me-red.'"
In a way, it makes sense.
The classic argument against conservatives has been that they suffer
from a sense of entitlement. They've been so withdrawn from the suffering
of the underclass that they feel they deserve everything they’ve gotten.
And who is more entitled in out society than the busty blonde bombshell?
On television, film and advertisements, blondes are held up as the embodiment
of female perfection. Betty Grable. Marilyn Monroe. Madonna. Britney
Spears. Hillary Duff. They can silence men with a well-placed wiggle
and shut down female adversaries with a catty sneer. Why should it be
a surprise to see them popping up as right wing tele-pundits, saying,
“I got mine, who cares about yours?”
Not that we, the loyal TV-viewing
public do anything to challenge the blonde autocracy. Nay, we simply
gaze at them in silence, jaws agape, listening attentively as they prattle
on about deficit reduction or collateral damage. Perhaps, somewhere
in the back of our mind, a little voice is trying to alert us to the
oxymoron before us. ("An... intelligent blonde? That doesn't compute!")
But after a casual hair toss or gratuitous cleavage shot our brain shuts
down all but the most reptilian functionality. (I speak of course, for
the mostly male, cable news watching populace, of which I am a proud
“member.”)
There's no doubt that it's
the oft-mentioned on Fox News network that has the leggiest, jiggiest,
bounciest blondes of them all. When looking at a group photo of their
buxom telepundits, the viewer half expects to find them arm in arm with
a doddering Hugh Hefner. Granted, Fox’s most familiar and respected
female face, Greta
Van Sustren, is kind of a bowser, but that's only because she came
aboard early enough to resist the networks "blondification"
program. Don't believe such a program exists? Take a look at these un-retouched
before and after photos of Fox commentator, Monica Crowly.
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Before "Blondification"
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After "Blondification"
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Monica
while attending the Ronald Reagan Academy for Wayward Girls, circa
1975.
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The
newsmistress we know and love.
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But the most fearsome of
all uber-blondes is free agent, Ann
Coulter, who could easily be described as having all the conservative
credentials of Sean Hannity and none of his charm. Ann is tied to no
network (or man!) and spends her weeknights driving her sleek, yellow
Coulter-mobile from one television station to another. Mondays might
be spent chatting with Joe Scarborough about the negative effects of
not forcing children to pledge allegiance to the
flag. Come Wednesday she'll pop over to Fox's Hannity and Colmes
to explain to an already frazzled Alan Colmes why Joe McCarthy was the
second coming of Jesus. On Fridays she'll drop in on Sesame Street to
enlighten Big Bird to the evils of Public Television before picking
off a few Muppets with her thirty ought six. In the face of any liberal
resistance, Ann's expression turns to the look of an exasperated valley
girl ("Duuhhhhh!") and she bulldozes over their opposition
with a high-speed volley of ad hominem attacks and questionable factoids. (On
a serious note, I have to say, Ann should never be underestimated as
an opponent as she's capable of twisting the English language to support
any one of her weirdo theories - sort of like a right-wing Noam Chomsky
without the back hair.)
Coulter's babeness is a point
of contention. While she has a classical beauty, I find her toothpick
body kind of repulsive. It brings to mind nightmare scenarios of watching
U.S soldiers opening up Nazi death camps only to have this blonde, ant-like
creature pop out and start explaining why Arnold Schwarzenegger should
be the new governor of California. I can't help and be concerned that
if I actually did get the chance to bed Ann (yes, I know... when pigs
fly out of your butt....) I would wake up the following morning next
to a pile of broken twigs. Nonetheless, men across the internet have
often commented on their
attraction to Ann's feline form, and her perceived physical shortcomings
only demand more respect for her tigerish savagery.
Despite the rise of the uber-blondes,
I suspect they will be a passing fad, like Hula Hoops, drag racing,
and bisexuality. The ultimate weapon in modern America is assimilation.
If you don't like what your political opponent is doing, just do it
better than them . Bill Clinton showcased this technique most ably when
he took the Republican platforms of welfare reduction and market globalization
and resold them as Democratic staples. It won't be long before a hoard
of liberal blonde teevee pundits hit the airwaves, coyly expounding
on the benefits of universal health care, environmental regulation and
complete submission to the French. What's that? You say you just saw
Jeneane Garafolo as a guest host of CNN's Crossfire for a full week
– with her hair dyed blonde?
It has begun...
Hey you! Yeah, you,
the liberal guy laughing at this article! Don't you realize it's simply
a series of crude, sexist stereotypes aimed at denigrating women who
have achieved minor positions of power? You should be ashamed of yourself.
Go perform 12 hours of volunteer labor at the local battered women's
shelter. Creep!
