Uber-Blondes have More Fun
By Wil Forbis
September 1, 2003
I'm certainly not the first to comment on the arrival, over the past five years or so, of a plethora of attractive female blonde commentators on cable news television, all of who profess to have conservative viewpoints. And I'm certainly not the first to ask, in written form, exactly why this is; why the new breed of fetching, chesty blondes operates with a rightward tilt. And I'm definitely not the first to spend most my free time imagining the various sexual dalliances I could have with said blondes, and then trying to recreate such activities with the collection of blow up dolls I've created by combining old inner tubes with sawed off mop heads.
Oh... I am the first? Hmmm, well, give it a year and everybody will be doing it.
But seriously folks. Why so many yellow haired, extra chromosome Bill Buckleys? Throughout history, conservatives have been known for being fat, old, cigar chomping white guys (excluding Ed Asner.) And bodacious blondes were known as half-witted bimbos who could be easily tricked into stripping down to their undergarments. (“A washing machine? Yay… Let’s go swimming!”) When did these two archetypes merge into the "uber-blonde" as epitomized by such television commentators as Laurie Dhue*, Linda Vester, Rita Cosby, and Kellyanne Conway. (What's that? No Ann Coulter? Oh, we'll get to her...)
* A commentator on the website apechild.com once accurately observed, "Those lips... Laurie Dhue has incredible lips. And she knows it. She probably has an entire case of lipstick in her dressing room, every single piece in bright, 'fuck-me-red.'"
In a way, it makes sense. The classic argument against conservatives has been that they suffer from a sense of entitlement. They've been so withdrawn from the suffering of the underclass that they feel they deserve everything they’ve gotten. And who is more entitled in out society than the busty blonde bombshell? On television, film and advertisements, blondes are held up as the embodiment of female perfection. Betty Grable. Marilyn Monroe. Madonna. Britney Spears. Hillary Duff. They can silence men with a well-placed wiggle and shut down female adversaries with a catty sneer. Why should it be a surprise to see them popping up as right wing tele-pundits, saying, “I got mine, who cares about yours?”
Not that we, the loyal TV-viewing public do anything to challenge the blonde autocracy. Nay, we simply gaze at them in silence, jaws agape, listening attentively as they prattle on about deficit reduction or collateral damage. Perhaps, somewhere in the back of our mind, a little voice is trying to alert us to the oxymoron before us. ("An... intelligent blonde? That doesn't compute!") But after a casual hair toss or gratuitous cleavage shot our brain shuts down all but the most reptilian functionality. (I speak of course, for the mostly male, cable news watching populace, of which I am a proud “member.”)
There's no doubt that it's the oft-mentioned on Fox News network that has the leggiest, jiggiest, bounciest blondes of them all. When looking at a group photo of their buxom telepundits, the viewer half expects to find them arm in arm with a doddering Hugh Hefner. Granted, Fox’s most familiar and respected female face, Greta Van Sustren, is kind of a bowser, but that's only because she came aboard early enough to resist the networks "blondification" program. Don't believe such a program exists? Take a look at these un-retouched before and after photos of Fox commentator, Monica Crowly.
Before "Blondification" After "Blondification" Monica while attending the Ronald Reagan Academy for Wayward Girls, circa 1975. The newsmistress we know and love.
But the most fearsome of all uber-blondes is free agent, Ann Coulter, who could easily be described as having all the conservative credentials of Sean Hannity and none of his charm. Ann is tied to no network (or man!) and spends her weeknights driving her sleek, yellow Coulter-mobile from one television station to another. Mondays might be spent chatting with Joe Scarborough about the negative effects of not forcing children to pledge allegiance to the flag. Come Wednesday she'll pop over to Fox's Hannity and Colmes to explain to an already frazzled Alan Colmes why Joe McCarthy was the second coming of Jesus. On Fridays she'll drop in on Sesame Street to enlighten Big Bird to the evils of Public Television before picking off a few Muppets with her thirty ought six. In the face of any liberal resistance, Ann's expression turns to the look of an exasperated valley girl ("Duuhhhhh!") and she bulldozes over their opposition with a high-speed volley of ad hominem attacks and questionable factoids. (On a serious note, I have to say, Ann should never be underestimated as an opponent as she's capable of twisting the English language to support any one of her weirdo theories - sort of like a right-wing Noam Chomsky without the back hair.)
Coulter's babeness is a point of contention. While she has a classical beauty, I find her toothpick body kind of repulsive. It brings to mind nightmare scenarios of watching U.S soldiers opening up Nazi death camps only to have this blonde, ant-like creature pop out and start explaining why Arnold Schwarzenegger should be the new governor of California. I can't help and be concerned that if I actually did get the chance to bed Ann (yes, I know... when pigs fly out of your butt....) I would wake up the following morning next to a pile of broken twigs. Nonetheless, men across the internet have often commented on their attraction to Ann's feline form, and her perceived physical shortcomings only demand more respect for her tigerish savagery.
Despite the rise of the uber-blondes, I suspect they will be a passing fad, like Hula Hoops, drag racing, and bisexuality. The ultimate weapon in modern America is assimilation. If you don't like what your political opponent is doing, just do it better than them . Bill Clinton showcased this technique most ably when he took the Republican platforms of welfare reduction and market globalization and resold them as Democratic staples. It won't be long before a hoard of liberal blonde teevee pundits hit the airwaves, coyly expounding on the benefits of universal health care, environmental regulation and complete submission to the French. What's that? You say you just saw Jeneane Garafolo as a guest host of CNN's Crossfire for a full week – with her hair dyed blonde?
It has begun...
Hey you! Yeah, you, the liberal guy laughing at this article! Don't you realize it's simply a series of crude, sexist stereotypes aimed at denigrating women who have achieved minor positions of power? You should be ashamed of yourself. Go perform 12 hours of volunteer labor at the local battered women's shelter. Creep!
Wil Forbis is a well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy, he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - firstname.lastname@example.org
Visit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.