The Saleeby Chronicles Continue...By John Saleeby
April 1st, 2006
"Sad Dream World Of 'Saturday Night Live' Creator Lorne Michaels"
Television Comedy fans of all ages were recently saddened to learn that the creator of "Saturday Night Live" Lorne Michaels has become so senile he actually believes the show is still on the air.
"It's really pretty depressing, but we're afraid that if we disturb his little fantasy he might do something drastic, like throw baby food at Paul Simon." says Tina Fey, Michaels' Nurse.
"Tina, have all the Dick Cheney jokes for 'Weekend Update' been written? Have all the Dick Cheney jokes been taken care of?"
"He seems to think that I'm the Head Writer of the show."
"She's the first female Head Writer in the entire history of 'Saturday Night Live'!"
"Yeah, I'm really going places. Could you roll over on your side? It's time to change your diaper."
"Tina, remember when that stupid girl pop star went out to sing on the show and it turned out she was lip synching?"
"Yes, Mister Michaels, it turned out she was lip synching."
"Something went wrong with her back up tape and she didn't know what to do!"
"She didn't know what to do. Jesus Christ! Have you been sneaking extra cans of Ensure again?"
"She just stood there like a goddam idiot for a second . . . "
"She just stood there like a goddam idiot . . . Pee-Yoo!!"
" . . . and then she did this stupid little jig and just walked right off of the stage right in the middle of the show!"
"I'm gonna walk right off of this job right in the middle of changing this diaper if you don't come up with some new stories."
"Let me tell you the day to day schedule before we finally do the show on Saturday night. First we come in on Monday to meet the host . . . "
"Oh, don't start up with that again! Every Monday and Tuesday night we have to load him up with sleeping pills and tie him to the bed posts or he'll be wandering all over the nursing home all night going 'Dick Cheney jokes! Dick Cheney jokes! Are you writing plenty of Dick Cheney jokes?!'"
While Tina went off to wash her hands I said good bye to Mister Michaels.
"What? You're leaving the show? No, Will! Don't leave the show, Will! The movie where you play one of Santa's elves will be a hit but the movie version of 'Bewitched' is really gonna suck!"
"Uh oh! I'm sorry!" says Tina, coming back in with some medication "I should have warned you to just leave without saying anything."
"Oh, it's okay. Good bye, Mister Simon!"
"I've been dead on my ass for damn near twenty years!"
"At least he's still got a grip."
"The McCartney Code"
The High Times Channel Presents It's First Original Motion Picture "The McCartney Code"!
Tommy Chong stars as an unemployed man who has spent the past twenty five years listening to Paul McCartney's "Band On The Run" album over and over until he discovers a code which proves that Paul McCartney killed John Lennon.
In a crucial scene The "Band On The Run" Guy explains his theory to The Ghost Of Jimi Hendrix whom he imagines lives in his ice chest.
"Just listen to this, man - 'And the Jailer Man and Sailer Sam are searching everyone for the Band On The Run'!"
"Tell me that doesn't prove Paul McCartney didn't kill John Lennon!"
"And how about this, man - 'In the town they're searching for us everywhere ' '"
"Wait a minute!"
"He's not about to say ' . . . but we never will be found', is he?"
"You got it, man!"
"There's only one reason for a dude to say that and that's . . . "
"Because he killed John Lennon!"
Encouraged by The Ghost Of Jimi Hendrix, The "Band On The Run" Guy attempts to bring his discovery to the World's attention only to be treated with universal disdain . . .
At a White House Press Conference the President is asked a question . . .
"Mister President, what do you think of the so called McCartney Code which proves that Paul McCartney killed John Lennon?"
"Helen, I have met with the "Band On The Run" Guy on numerous occasions and he is a kind and decent man. But I've been listening to 'Band On The Run' all day and all night for the past nine and a half months and if there's anything on it about Paul McCartney killing John Lennon I have yet to hear it. However, I have heard substantial evidence that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction!"
"Ha ha ha!"
"Good one, Mister President!"
"Thank you, Helen!"
The "Band On The Run" Guy almost gives in to despair . . .
"Maybe everybody's right. Maybe I really am crazy!"
""Oh, yeah? Well, they called me crazy, too!" says the Ghost Of Jimi Hendrix "But how could I face The Ghost Of Fatty Arbuckle if I had just given up?"
"The Ghost Of Fatty Arbuckle?"
"He's been right here inside my pack of smokes the whole time."
"Really? Lemmee see him, man!"
"Sure thing, bro!"
"Don't give up, 'Band On The Run' Guy! Keep on going with that McCartney Code thing!"
"Well, allright! Guess I'm not crazy, after all!"
"Who said 'No way!' just now? The Ghost Of Jimi Hendrix or The Ghost Of Fatty Arbuckle?"
"Since we're both figments of your imagination it could have been whichever one you want."
"Far out, man!"
Inspired, the "Band On The Run" Guy makes an appointment to present The McCartney Code to The Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln. But then he is kidnapped and finds himself face to face with –
"Correct as always, Mister 'Band On The Run' Guy!"
"But . . . But . . . You're supposed to be dead!"
"'Supposed' is a word that only applies to the weak and insignificant and the words 'weak' and 'insignificant' have never applied to Linda Eastman McCartney!"
"Eastman! Oh man, I knew I was over looking something!"
Don't Miss "The McCartney Code" On The High Times Channel Twelve Times A Day Until we Come Up With Something Else Or Just Lose Interest.
|John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier. |
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