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The Saleeby Chronicles

By John Saleeby
October 1st, 2005

"Movies Diane Lane Should Have Made Twenty Years Ago"

"Voo Doo Panties" - Diane Lane stars as a beautiful young woman who's vacation to New Orleans takes a violent turn when she wanders into a haunted French Quarter lingerie shop.

"Flash - No Dancing, Just Flash" - A movie for men who don't like women dancing and jumping all over the place. Diane Lane stars as a beautiful young woman who just sits in a chair so we can all get a good look at her. Yes, she's a welder and has an affair with her boss but we don't see any of that in the movie, although she does talk about it while we look at her.

"Nudists In The Neighborhood" - It was a perfectly average suburban neighborhood - Until the Nudists moved in! Diane Lane stars as the Nudist's beautiful young daughter - Just because she's always nude does that mean she'll go all the way? You'll go all the way to find out when "Nudists In The Neighborhood" when it comes to your neighborhood theater!

"The Sudsy Amnesiac" - Diane Lane stars as a beautiful young woman struck with amnesia while stepping out of a bubble bath so she can't remember who she is, where she is, or even that she's not supposed to walk around in front of people without any clothes on - And everybody takes their clothes off before she can remember.

(Editor's Note: Waitasec, I thought she did make this film?)

"Rashoman, Oh Man, Oh Man!" - Three Japanese gardeners tell dramatically different sides of the story about the time they saw Diane Lane as a beautiful young woman sun bathing naked in her back yard.

"The Outsiders 2 - Sheri Goes Nympho!" - Diane Lane reprises her role as Sheri, the beautiful young girl from the Right Side Of The Tracks in "The Outsiders", and now a college coed who returns to Tulsa tripping on LSD and dancing around naked in front of Pony Boy, Soda Pop, Two Bit, and the rest of the gang. In a heartbreaking climax, Pony Boy finds a note from Johnny in his paperback copy of "Gone With The Wind" encouraging him to have sex with Sheri if he ever gets a chance.

"Bravo!'s 'Bejing Bobby Brown' To Be One Hour Special"

Bravo! has announced that "Bejing Bobby Brown", the reality TV follow up to the hit "Being Bobby Brown" has been cut down to a single one hour special instead of a twenty episode series as originally planned.

"The concept was to have Bobby Brown suddenly wake up after an all night drunk alone and penniless on the streets of Bejing, Red China and record his wacky interaction with the native people of a new and unfamiliar environment. I don't know what the hell we were thinking. The producer told me it was all Whitney Houston's idea. I'm going to go with that." says a spokesman for Bravo! "We got some good stuff of Bobby making fun of Chinese people, imitating how they talk and screaming about how funny they smell but, once he caught on that no one was going to treat him special because he was rich and famous, he started knocking people down and kicking them. Which is really funny if you already like watching Bobby Brown on television. But then he picks up a little old lady and throws here in front of a wagon full of raw fish and gets beaten by an angry mob until Red Chinese troops take him away. Which is really funny if you already hate watching Bobby Brown on television. We still don't know where Bobby is."

Bravo! is now beginning production of "Bobby Brown?! Who The Fuck Is Bobby Brown?!" in which family members and employees struggle to help Whitney Houston regain consciousness enough to remember who her husband is and maybe even go into the studio and get some work done.

"We have enough footage of Clive Davis pouring black coffee down her throat to get at least half a dozen episodes. Her lawyers say that Whitney never signed a release but our lawyers say say Whitney scribbling 'GET ME SOME WEED' on the release was all we needed to go ahead with production. After all, we did get her some weed."

 

Nicole Kidman Starring In Cindy Sheehan Bio Pic

Hollywood is filming a movie based on the life of Anti War Activist Cindy Sheehan in which Acadamy Award Nominee Nicole Kidman plays Sheehan and President George W Bush is portrayed by an Austrailian Dingo. The movie is being produced by Aaron Sorkin, the creator of "A Few Good Men" and "The West Wing", who watched a news report about Sheehan's vigil outside President Bush's ranch in Crawford, Texas "while tripping on mushrooms and I had a vision of me having sex with a treasure chest full of gold bullion. A treasure chest full of gold bullion with some kind of vaginal or rectal orifice, I mean. I wouldn't want you to think I'm some kind of pervert. Unless me being some kind of a pervert is a turn on for you."

Kidman has not spoken with Sheehan, who has camped outside the film's location demanding a meeting with the star." I've been preparing my performance by watching Cindy demanding to meet me through a telescope in my trailer." Kidman says "Although for a couple of days there I was studying one of my security guards out there under the impression that I was looking at Cindy. She's such a strong woman. My performance will be as close to the real life Cindy Sheehan as possible with occasional adjustments for dramatic effect, such as my bathing every now and then and not walking around in a Jimmy Durante mask."

Sheehan's controversial statements about Israel will be replaced by scenes of Kidman bathing every now and then. "Our research shows that just thinking about Cindy Sheehan made the average filmgoer want to take a bath and with Nicole in the movie it's a natural!" says Sorkin. "We're taking great care to portray Cindy's son Casey in a respectful way. We've gone back into the archives to present his career in the US military with footage from the classic Jerry Lewis films 'The Sad Sack' and 'At War With The Army'. If only there was a Jerry Lewis movie in which he was eaten by an Austrailian Dingo!" Sorkin considered hiring Sheehan as a consultant but changed his mind because "Making a movie is a lot of work and, frankly, she's kind of a bummer to be around."

Funny Guys Don't Dance

After much soul searching Steve Martin has finally been able to identify the specific moment at which he stopped being funny.

"It was when I stopped playing the banjo and started tap dancing. While I played the banjo I was the funniest guy in the world. But once I stopped playing the banjo and started tap dancing I . . . I . . . I don't know what I was thinking."

Has Martin considered the possibility of going back to banjo playing?

"Go back to playing the banjo? I can't begin to count how many times I've tried! But once I pick up a banjo and hold it in my hands I am suddenly overcome with a crippling paralysis so I am incapable of playing a single note and then my feet begin tap dancing and tap dancing and the next thing I know before the Nurses hold me down and pump me full of thorazine is I'm jumping up and down on the banjo smashing it to pieces which I pick up and try to eat, causing massive damage to my teeth and gums."

Martin's seduction by tap dancing occurred during the production of the musical "Pennies From Heaven", a movie so incredibly bad that Martin has spent a considerable amount of his personal fortune buying up all available copies for immediate destruction. "I had to practice tap dancing for hours a day day after day while making that movie and, looking back on the experience, I can see that I went completely out of my mind. I can clearly remember saying things to other people like 'Tap dancing is great!', 'Tap dancing sure is cool!', and 'Hey, let's go tap dancing! Everybody's doing it!' and if there is one thing I want to say to all those young people out there it's - Hey, take it from a guy who's learned this the hard way - Tap dancing is not great! Tap dancing is not cool! And if you know anybody who is into tap dancing you know someone who is in immediate need of serious help. I wanted to do a series of personal appearances at high schools across the country to bring the truth about tap dancing to Young America but everybody thought it was just a joke."

Did they laugh at the joke?

"Uh . . . No."

Has Martin ever tried to go without tap dancing?

"Yes, of course. But every time I would go a few days putting on my tap shoes I would black out and then wake up backstage at a television studio and find that I had transformed into Tim Allen and taped another episode of 'Home Improvement'. It was horrifying! But even though it took my attorneys years of litigation, I finally got them to end production of 'Home Improvement' and I could stop tap dancing without anything terrible happening. But the black outs kept happening and one day I woke up to discover that bookstores all over America were selling a 'novella' I had supposedly written called 'Shopgirl'! A 'novella'! Can you believe that? I went out of control, choreographing huge tap dancing production numbers with dozens of dancers, Michael Flatley from 'Riverdance', and the mummified corpse of Buzby Berkely hanging from the ceiling to get the aerial view. It was sick, I knew it, but at least the black outs had stopped and I was finally able to stop getting together with Martin Short to eat cucumber sandwiches and take turns walking around like Charlie Chaplin. But one day - Black Out! I woke up, soaked with sweat and too frightened too look around to find out where I was. And then I heard a voice - 'I ain't no actress ho, you know what I'm sayin'? I am Beyonce, you know what I'm sayin'? Back off before I kill your ass, you know what I'm sayin'?' I opened my eyes and found myself in a French Policeman's uniform with 'Cousteau' on the identification tag. Somebody yelled 'The Pink Panther! Scene twenty one! Take three!' and I knew that I had hit Rock Bottom. But things have gotten better."

What did Martin do to handle his problem, I asked. But before he could answer an assistant stepped into his office to hand him an envelope. "Well . . . " Martin began as he casually opened the envelope but then fell into silence as he stared at it's contents "Wha . . . The World Premiere Of 'SHOP GIRL'?!? WE MADE A 'SHOPGIRL' MOVIE!?!" Before I could stop him Martin grabbed a paperweight off of his desk and began smashing it repeatedly into his face, grunting with pain as he broke his nose, blood splattering all over the room. Screaming a series of unintelligable obscenities, Martin leapt over the desk like a rampaging beast and ran out of the room roaring with anguish.

Funniest thing I've seen him do in years.

 

John Saleeby wrote for The National Lampoon while he was in high school, was a stand up comic in New York, and has contributed to the net humor zines Schmuck.com, Campaign Central, and the legendary American Jerk. He's on medication now so he's probably a little nicer now than he was when you met him earlier.
Email - jacksaleeby1@hotmail.com

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