By Dr. Wil Forbis
As one of the most preeminent physicians to study the topic of weight loss and weight reduction, I've spent innumerable years closely observing the interaction of the cellular structure of the human body as it relates to the consumption of food*. I have also spent uncountable hours examining the effects of human emotions on the body metabolism and facilities of fat storage**. My studies have also led me towards detailed observations of the functional value of weight loss in relation to the physiological properties of blood cells vis-à-vis the Gradient principle of energy consumption/reduction***.
* This statement is factually untrue.
** Also untrue.
*** It's okay if you don't understand this.
My studies have led to two exciting conclusions. 1) Skinny people look better than fat people. 2) The emotion of anxiety can be a powerful fat burning tool. As a result, I am eager to unveil my latest product: The Anxiety Diet!
How does The Anxiety Diet work? The exact fundamental machinations of the human metabolism specific to fat burning and anxiety are difficult to explain, but it breaks down to this --- the more anxious you are, the skinnier you are! I first observed this in my collection of experimental laboratory rats. By inducing neuroses related to their place in the social hierarchy, their self-worth, their sense of fashion, the fall of the housing market, the lack of viable Republican presidential candidates, and cats, I was able to ensure rodent weight loss levels of up to 30%.
The primary tool I use to induce anxiety are a series of word scenarios called "anxiercises (TM)." The Anxiety Diet participant simply repeats the text of the anxiercise (TM) (using an inside voice) thereby inducing nervousness and tension and increasing metabolic fat consumption*.
* This statement makes no sense from a scientific perspective.
My anxiety diet program includes hundreds of such anxiercises (TM). Here's a sample to try:
The patient is instructed to look in the mirror and repeat the following.
"What's that spot on your cheek? On the left --- it looks kinda like a freckle. Is it AIDS? My God, have you contracted AIDS? Sure, that spot has always been there, but maybe that just means you've always had AIDS. Maybe you were born with some kind of super viral version of AIDS that was contracted in the womb. How can anyone ever love you now? It's all over --- any meager chance of sexual fulfillment has been lost. You're destined to live the rest of your life alone and unloved before withering away."
You can practically hear those pounds dripping off! However, for some, the basic level anxiercises (TM) are not enough. For extra powerful worrying, we have the supreme level word scenarios (available at additional cost.) A sample below.
"I understand that scientists are hooking exoskeletons up to experimental monkeys to see if the monkeys can control these metal suits with their brains. In theory, this could be of great benefit to quadriplegics. But what if the monkeys take control of the exoskeletons and break free from their captors? What if an entire army of robot suited monkeys are unleashed upon the world? Will my family be killed by angry monkeys? Am I destined to become sexual slave of a robotic simian? What do these scientists think they're doing!?"
There's no way in hell you can contemplate snarling cybernetic monkeys and not trim down your waist size! Contact me at this website for ordering information on "The Anxiety Diet!"
(Important notice: The Anxiety Diet is not a real diet. Dr. Wil Forbis is not a real doctor. But what is "reality" anyway? Can our limited senses understand the true nature of the universe? Is air real? Can you see air? I didn't think so. How can our primitive monkey brains possibly comprehend what is actually out there? Are we not doomed to confusion and dismay as we struggle to comprehend the infinite realities possible? (This is not an anxiercise (TM) by the way, but rather an honest rumination of our mortal existence.))
Wil Forbis is a
well known international playboy who lives a fast paced life attending
chic parties, performing feats of derring-do and making love to the
world's most beautiful women. Together with his partner, Scrotum-Boy,
he is making the world safe for democracy. Email - firstname.lastname@example.orgVisit Wil's web log, The Wil Forbis Blog, and receive complete enlightenment.